This is a long one, so bear with me.
I’m a mum of a beautiful 10yo girl, she’s such a kind, supportive old soul. She’s my rock when I should be hers.
My partner, her dad, was medically retired in 2018 after a back injury. He went through numerous surgeries, played Xbox for 8+hrs a day when his psychologist told him 1hr max, and then I found out it wasn’t a broken spine, but a bulging disc. I don’t rate anyone’s pain but I do know others that find a way to live with it.
Anywho, fast forward to 2023, he hasn’t been able to hold a job, doesn’t apply for any, or keep them when I apply for him.
Last year he convinced me to finance $500k for a machine for a business idea of his. I did, under my name.
I put my business scale on hold to do this for him.
I switched from sole trader to a full time job for stability for the repayments, and the costs of a single income family.
Now to 2024…
He’s not changed his behaviour at all. Plays games, doesn’t go out to push business etc.
I lost my job this week due to the economic downturn.
When I told him, he said “f&ck babe!$@ I’m going to have to stop the business, sell the machine, break the warehouse lease because you lost your job”.
If I wasn’t feeling like I was being suffocated before, I sure was when that was his response.
I got home to say to him he’s a grown man, my job wasn’t to provide for his business, which he agrees, but then goes onto say that I forget it’s OUR money my pay cheque. The one that pays for everything, and his warehouse and his machine.
He’s angry because I speak to my best friend about the situation, but then I say well I can’t talk to you, to which he says BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! You’re always so fucking negative!
I’m sorry, I have a 500k debt for him, he doesn’t work, or attempt to look for work, and I pay for everything.
Once again tonight he drilled me for losing my job when I explained I’m really stressed over our daughter’s sports and her school etc. I’ve applied for jobs far less than my salary, because it’s a quiet job market.
I feel sick. My best friend has offered to pay for her stuff as he’s so angry that my partner would want to impact her education and life.
I can’t believe I’m living this right now 😭😭 if I didn’t have a daughter I probably would’ve ended my life this week. I can’t see the light, except her, but I can’t provide for her now, and I have all his expenses to deal with as well.
I don’t know why I’m posting this, I guess I’m just wondering if this is how life is meant to be.
9 Replies
Sell the machine and get rid of him!
Is it worth focusing on his business and trying to get it off the ground since you have so much to lose? I know he doesn't deserve it but think of it as your business too, you have the most to lose here. If you need to apply for bankruptcy it will be you affected, not him. Its worth a go.
I mean this with 100% sincerity, I'd rather start from scratch without a single cent or possession to my name and a metric fuck ton of debt than live another DAY with a man like this. Hell no this is not what life is meant to be like!
I'd get some legal advice regarding the finances and start making a plan to get this good for nothing loser out of your life before he drags you down even further.
Bulging discs can differ from minor to serious so I don't think I would compare it to people you know. I've had one before and it fixed itself with in a few weeks but my Dad has also had one and ended up paralysed and needing urgent surgery and months of physio! So that's a bit dismissive. If he needed multiple surgeries then it was bad and most likely still affects him.
I think it's strange that your male BFF wants to pay for your child's sport and education! It sounds a bit more than a BFF commitment to me... I would also be annoyed if my partner was telling our whole personal dramas to anyone, especially a female bff that doesn't like me and has decided to be financially responsible for my own child.
This was a big mistake on your behalf for going into so much debt for him when you already knew he had no motivation or drive! How could he do an industrial job with a back injury that has already made him jobless?
Your daughter is also not your rock, please don't make your child think they need to look after you emotionally, that is not how parenting works and you could really mess her up.
Besides all that, I think you should separate, you're clearly not happy and he is not going to improve. Hopefully the business can be sold without pulling it apart so you get your money back from the loan.
Ummmm no. Just no!
What part are you saying no to?
His back would have been serious to have needed several surgeries. So I'm correct there.
My opinion on her friend is also not wrong, because its an opinion.
It was not a good decision going into so much debt in this situation, I am right about that.
Parentifying your child is wrong, I am right there.
Thinking she should end the relationship, I think I am right there.
Go and "No, just no" somewhere else. Just because it is not what everyone else has said doesn't make it wrong.
If I was financially able to help my best friends child maintain her sports etc, I would in a heartbeat. Their gender has zero to do with it!
A child shouldn't suffer because their father is useless
No this is not what life should be like, it should be a partnership where you both help each other. You have been doing all the work and all he thinks about is himself. Draw the line here, 6yrs is more than enough and if he’s not going to step up for the family and help himself you need to get professional advice regarding how to deal with his business and your debt and kick him out. Anything is better than this situation so it’s up from here. Take one step at a time and believe
It’s time to leave babe, you have two children, not a partner and a child. Even if it’s just temporary to give him a wake up call. You’re doing it on your own now anyway, it’ll just be easier without the extra mouth to feed.
Make a plan first. Make sure he sells the business and the equipment so you’re not left with a HUGE dept. then go.