hi ladies..
hubby and I might be separating soon and I would rather stay together for the kids but I hate having him around the house etc. we've been fighting every other day/week for a couple of months and I'm just over it.. I don't really know how to deal with letting him have our kids when he can as he would need to move in with a friend if he moved out cause he has none of his own stuff (bed, couch, fridge etc) and I don't like not knowing where they'll be or who they'll be around (he won't be around druggies or deadbeats or anything like that though) we have 2 kids only 1 is his and they are 2.5 and 1.5. they love, love playing with him etc, but I'm the one that actually does everything else for them, cooking bathing etc.. he would like to help more i'll admit but I'm very controlling and don't like him helping if I can avoid it. I guess what I'm asking is how have other mum handled that big a change.. how do you handle handing over your kids.. letting go of that control enough so we can still be civil toward each other.. would you stay together to avoid all this confrontation in the first place??.. anything else you wish someone had told you??
TIA
i'm too controlling to share custody of kids with maybe soon to be ex hubby
i'm too controlling to share custody of kids with maybe soon to be ex hubby
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Men's Business, Being a Dad, Relationships
4 Replies
Some counselling both for yourselves and together sounds like it is in order.
Some may think I'm being harsh here but these things you mention don't sound detrimental to a marriage. Pleas seek help together and try to sort through this. I know the small things can seem big sometimes but coming from someone who has suffered a broken marriage you really need to be sure you have tried everything before leaving as it has life-long effects on children and if you are having trouble thinking about sharing the kids what are you going to do when the time comes to hand them over? It is sooo hard to do. I really do get that and can be really lonely when they aren't around but they need their dad too. Good on you for recognising that you're thinking isn't quite right when it comes to the idea of sharing the kids. They do have every right to share time fairly with both of you. All the best!
Why do you hate having him around? What have you been fighting about? Do you still love him? (you must of at some stage) Why don't you allow him to help with the kids? ..... these are questions that you need to answer for yourself, and the answers may not be what you expect or as big as you see them when you are angry and fed-up.
Maybe you can start letting him help out while you guys are still together, start with little things (changing nappies, feeding etc) and then move on to you going out for an hour or so and leaving the kids with him, then build the time up a little at a time. Also make some time for just you and hubby, see if there is any spark of love there before separating. You guys are a partnership, and communication is the most important thing of any partnership, if he is a good Dad then your children NEED him in their lives no matter what happens between the 2 of you. I hope you can relax a little for your Husband and children's sake
My circumstances to yours were very similar and I completely understand how you are feeling. I have 4 children and for the last 10 years of my marriage my husband worked away - 3 weeks away 1 week at home so I had them almost all the time on my own.
The first thing you need to do is make sure you have done everything you can to save your relationship, you need to be able to look you kids in the eye and tell them at whatever age 'yes I did everything I could to make it work'. They deserve it, he deserves it and most of all you deserve to make informed choices for you and only you with a clear conscience. I did this and it really paid off, my oldest finally did ask me in his teens did I do everything I could and I could be honest and hold my head up high with my reply.
Let me tell you now, you should never ever stay for the kids, you are doing them no favours, I did that for years and then one day realised I was teaching my kids to do the same....my biggest nightmare would be to see one of my kids unhappy in a future relationship telling me that they are staying for the kids - as I would have taught them that during their childhood.
If you do make the choice to separate as I did the time away from my kids in the first year was a nightmare, I cried, I worried, I hid away in my house and did the whole child separation thing harder than anyone else I know that has gone through this. Of course I never let the kids see it and they will never know how hard it was, but it was one of the lowest points of my life.
I slowly started to accept it, I strongly believe our children have an equal right to mum and dad and therefore supported the time they spent with him. I am now 5 years separated and have seen light. To be honest the kids adapted very well and found the positives in the situation, and now I realise as a single mum of 4, the time with their dad is my time, its a break, it makes me a better mum when they are with me, I have time to just breathe and be me.
I wish you all the best with whatever your future brings, just be true to yourself, it might seem like a huge road ahead, but I promise in the long run it will be the right thing for you and your kids. xxx