My question is simple although I feel like Im Still rather numb.
My FIL passed away very unexpectedly. Suffered a heart attack, went Into a coma and didn't wake up after the machines were turned off.
The family is devastated and while we weren't close my kids adored their pop and was a good man.
My 7 year old took the news of his passing really well. She barely shed a tear and made some suggestions to help her nanny (flowers a card etc) miss 7 is very mature for her age and highly intelligent and we asked her multiple times if she understood everything. We asked why she couldn't give the card to her pop and she stated "because he is dead, he can't read it if isn't awake anymore." we basically explained that his heart stopped and that made his brain stop working and because of that he went to sleep and his body was to broken to wake up.
My question Is: would u take a 7 year old to a funeral.
I personally hate funerals as the sadness is overwhelming. I really feel that death should not be sad but a celebration of the persons life. I am going to support my partner and his side of the family through this difficult time otherwise I probably wouldn't attend the service.
Is it healthy for a young child to attend a funeral?? I would hate for my daughters memories of her pop to be tainted by emotional people but I feel that it might be good for her. He is getting cremated and there will be no burial but there was talk of an open casket.
Miss 7 will not be attending the wake. I really feel that my daughter could handle it but I'm in 2 minds as I don't want to taint her memories. For this reason she never saw her pop in hospital.
I just don't quite know what to do. It's so sudden and unexpected.
I am sorry if this makes no sense. I'm still a bit jumbled and lost as well.
11 Replies
Unfortunately death is a part of life, and nothing to hide or be frightened of if you explain accordingly to age ( which sounds like you have done) & understanding. Children are more tuned in than we think, I’d ask her if she would like to go & let her make the decision, if it was to become too much, walk out. I find they cope better later on in life if they are exposed to death & funerals ( again within reason) from an early age than to attend their first funeral later in life! you will do what is right for you & your family.. sorry for your families loss 🌹
For me, if it was an open casket I would say no, its not a good last memory of her pop. I do think funerals are ok for children to attend (pending on the childs maturity etc, no point taking children who wont understand) as it is good for them to understand what has happened. Ask your daughter if she would like to go?
I would absolutely take a child to a funeral. My 6yo has been to 3 unfortunately, including one for his great-grandmother who he was very close to. He drew a picture for her and put it into her casket, we visit her grave often and he speaks about her frequently. His love for her lives on and it gives us all a lot of comfort.
3 of my grandparents and a beloved aunt died when i was in my early teens. I wasnt allowed to attend any of their services, I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go - I was told "You're not coming". It still makes me sad now 15 years later. I know my parents were just trying to shield me from what they felt would frighten me but what they really did was rob me of a chance to say goodbye.
I would include her in this decision, ensure she understands what happens at funerals (people will be sad, probably crying, there may be an open casket where she may see her pop etc), then ask her if that feels like something she feels like she would like to do.
I think it’s probably important she go. Yes funerals are sad and something that you never want to go to but it’s a part of life and it helps with the greiving process to officially say your goodbyes.
If their is a viewing (which is normally right before the service) turn up right on time so you miss that part and only go in once the service commences.
Yes I've taken both my kids to funerals...they are 4 and 10. I know a lot of people who were told they couldn't go to their families funeral when they were young are still upset about it now even 20 years later.
I went to a funeral at 7, if my mum hadn’t of let me go I would have been very upset. I also went to the wake. Your daughter may get upset being emotional is ok, seeing emotion is ok. It’s a part of life. She is not to young especially with how mature she is to go.
There is nothing scarier than the unknown when talking about death. Your child won’t be scarred for life if you allow them to approach the casket in their own time and attend the open casket funeral. If you are concerned about seeing a dead body ask someone to take your daughter to see her grandfather. The funeral director will be happy to sit with her and answer any questions she may have while viewing.
Just as an aside I work in a funeral home and my daughter (6y) is very happy and comfortable with death and funerals. It is nothing for her to sit beside a casket and spend time with people she does and doesn’t know. She thinks her future is being a funeral director and I wouldn’t be surprised if she follows through.
Everyone handles grief differently and often an adult's expectation for what that should look like is completely different to how a child processes grief and loss. Personally at the age of 7 and especially if she's mature for her age, I would be leaving the decision up to the child. I would let them know what a funeral is for and how some funerals are run, and also what behaviour is expected (only because I have autistic kids and this helps for successful outings).
I say yes let her go. I’m still a little annoyed that I didn’t get to go to my Dads Mums funeral but I was only 6 and it was in another state. A few years later Dad took me to where they spread her ashes so I could say good bye. I was 11 when my Mums Dad died and went to his open casket and I regret touching his hand because it was so cold but I’m glad I was there. A few months later my mums mum passed away and I was too sick to attend her funeral and I’m still very sad about that 17 years later. I was very close with those 3 grandparents and remember them fondly. I’ve been to many funerals in my 29 years including that of my sister 5 years ago, she also had an open casket. Due to her being sick and losing a lot of weight before she passed she didn’t look like the person I knew but I’m glad I didn’t skip seeing her 1 last time. My husband has been to 1 funeral when we were 19 after a friend of ours was killed. He didn’t take it very well and death scares him so much. I think because I’ve dealt with it in a healthy way my whole life I’m not scared and I realise it’s a part of life. I dread when my husbands family start to pass as I know he won’t deal with it very well. Let your daughter go if she wishes to and support your family. Good luck during this sad time
Yes. Take her.
As someone who was denied going to her fiancés funeral and our son was denied too, I hope that no child goes through missing the funeral of a loved one if they understand and want to go.