When I was 13 I was sexually assaulted by
my mum's ex partner whilst asleep in bed a few times. Small things for years beforehand would make me uncomfortable around him, but never anything as a child I could say that's wrong, up until then anyway. Well after that i never wanted to be around him, i would go out of my way to avoid him, put on weight, get grounded, go to friends. I got the courage up during a fight with my mum about not wanting to go see him and told her "Because he touches me etc..." she went silent than proceeded to call me a lying, narcissitic bitch wanting to destroy her relationship. As a 13yr old this was devastating to hear, I pleaded with my little sister to tell mum she saw him come in our room one of the times but she denied it. Said he never came in our room. Mum booked me in to be assessed, told them ever since i was young i had an over active imagination, would see things that are not real, talk to myself etc, I was basically backed into a corner by the end told if I didn't admit it never happened they would have to medicare me to control my "hallucinations"... Things got bad for me at home, fights escalated to the point my mum put me through a cupboard, tried choking me, would hit and punch me. I tried telling someone and asking for help, bit by than I was just the crazy problem child and no one believed me. Which i guess was made worse when i tried to kill myself. Eventually I started believing it, I was crazy, he never touched me, my mind tricked me and I almost ruined my family. Mum and him got married, he was nice to me, but she didn't want me any more (it was my fault) I got kicked out at 14/15yrs old... tried finishing school but was politely asked to leave when I got pregnant at 16, whilst couch surfing and working 3 jobs to survive.
Fast forward 12years, I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. I'm happy, after having went through a year of anger management and therapy from a rape my partner was worried I didn't react right to, basically no reaction at all, i just was blaze about.
My little sister and I are out shopping for baby clothes when she turns to me and says "I need to tell you something and I'm scared you will hate me. I lied back when mum asked me if I had seen him come in the room and do it. I was scared she would be mad at me too, especially with how mad she was at you. you're not crazy and you never were. He had been touching me since I was 9 and im sorry" I just stood there for a while, dropped the clothes and walked out...
It's been 15years and now I'm at a loss. Most times I feel betrayed and angry, but mainly just hollow. I was told I shouldn't be angry or hurt at my sister, to just let it go, it's over with now. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Has anyone been through anything similar and how did you process and come to terms with it?
15 Replies
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I would never say you shouldn’t be angry at your sister as you are justified in your anger at the situation.
But what I will say is don’t judge your sisters actions from an adult perspective. She was a child at the time. You were too.
Aim your anger towards your mums partner and your mum. They were responsible for protecting you.
I wish you well in your recovery.
I can’t tell you how you should feel. All I can say was she was a scared child too. She was just doing what children do, and trying to protect herself the only way she knew how. She was being molested and a victim. Victims don’t all act them same.
Do you think your mum would have believed her? Or would she have told her she was a liar too? I suspect the latter.
It’s probably one of those times where it’s best to head back to counselling to help you process this.
My little sister was mum's favourite, she would've believed her instantly. My mum and I had always butted heads, where my sister could do no wrong.
You're both victims! I think you need to support her now she has come out with this. You can support each other and if you decide to go through with having him charged then you can stop him doing this to others. Do you still have contact with your mum?
I have a very close relationship with my mother now. It took years but we were able to really bond when I helped her through a traumatic relationship. Which is also why this hurts, when I genuinely thought I was crazy i could put it all behind me and create a relationship with her. Both my sister and her have a apologised for not believing me or standing up for me, but now what? Is that something that should be forgiven with just a simple sorry I ruined your life from your mum
I’d never forget my mum if it was me. She is there to protect you..!
I hope you can repair your relationship with your sister. She was only 9 and can you imagine the fear she was also living the same hell as you were. Work on fixing things with her and maybe you can both help each other. How awful for you. I’d never speak to my mum again if she did that. A real mother wouldn’t do that.
I would never have spoken to my mum again but your little sister was 9 and going through the same thing. She was a scared child. You are allowed to be angry at her but I wouldn't hold on to it for too long. Your sad excuse for a mother on the other hand, you and your sister deserve so much better.
You mother definitely doesn't deserve your forgiveness or your help. She didn't think about her daughter at the time only herself and her boyfriend
I'm sorry for all you went through.
I have been through very similar, I was 8 when my mum's boyfriend touched me the first time, his kids saw it but denied it at first, they weren't my bio siblings but we had always got along well and I didn't understand why they lied.
My mum kicked me out around the same age as you were and I fell pregnant at 16.
Ironically it was just after the birth of my third child I found his daughter on Facebook, she didn't remember me at first but when I told her my mum had dated her dad, she remembered, we talked brushing over the subject of her dad and what he done, he had been hurting her too and she had been scared of him. After that it took a while but I slowly let go, I wasn't angry I looked at her like the scared little girl she had been and I understood in a way why she lied, her lie still hurt me but I get it now. I'm 31 happily married with 4 kids now but there is aspects of my personality that will always be a part of me and they are caused by what I went through, I suffer social anxiety, ptsd and depression but over the last few years I have gotten to a point I function well and control my mental health, I ask for help when I notice signs in myself that I'm not coping. I had to learn that was my past not my future and I couldn't let him ruin my future as he had my childhood, it didn't happen overnight it something I had to tell myself over and over everytime and I still do have to remind myself to not let him take my future too
I can't give any advice on the mum subject as I have never forgiven my mum, I still talk to her but not like a mum just an acquaintance that I see once in a while when I'm in town.
I have been in this situation also, from ages 9-11 when I was sexually abused by a family friend in my own home. Thankfully for me, my mother had not a doubt in her mind when I confessed and she believed me - her support was undeniable.
He was arrested and charged and following a short court proceeding got a child sex offence conviction against his name - which is one of my proudest life moments. That I know this will stop him accessing so many other little girls under the disguise of a great dad / friend / community member.
I have always struggled with the decisions made at the time by my parents during the trial, that I was not aware of, regarding what charges were tried and dropped down to get a guilty plea and verdict. At the time my sister was asked about the abuse I suffered that we’re fairly confident she witnessed / suffered too which unfortunately she denied any knowledge of, which made my case less “believable” and ultimately it was decided I was not going to be a ‘good witness’ on the stand.
To this day (20 years later) we have never spoken of it. I’ve had extensive therapy and acknowledgement amongst my family of what I went through. She was a scared child also who I am sure was being abused at the same time. For many years I have had so much anger at her for not speaking up and telling her truth, but I’ve come to accept that my anger should only be directed at one individual, and that’s certainly not my poor sister who is also a victim of this horrible man.
I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and my thoughts are with you. I’m sorry you were not believed and that you are on the windy road that is recovery!
I am the mother of a child who was sexually abused. I can tell you that hearing what happened to my baby was so hurtful and unbelievable, however, I never once disbelieved my child.
I am so so sorry you didn’t have your mother’s support. I am so so sorry you are going through this and as a mum, I just want to send you the biggest Mum-hugs in the world. I want to wrap you up in cotton wool and tell you everything will be okay and you are safe now.
I hope one day you and your sister can form a united front and take your abuser on through the system. Stand united and drag your mum through the system too.
I wish I could hug you and tell you it's going to be ok. I went through something similar with my grandfather, and later found out that my sister knew the truth. I know it hurts but you can forgive her. It will start to hurt a little less until it's something you don't even think about any more. Whether you forgive your mother or not is something else entirely.
I was almost your sister. My uncle abused my sisters and I for years. The first time my parents asked me if he ever touched me, I denied it. I remember feeling like a deer caught in headlights. I froze, I was absolutely terrified. I had been conditioned by that point not to let anyone on, it was secret and bad things would happen if I told. My story ends differently, because my parents were gentle but persistent. The second time they questioned me, I admitted it. But I still vividly remember the fear when they asked me, around 30 years later. It wasn't trepidation. It was frozen in place, heart pounding terror. Please, please don't blame your sister. If your mum favoured your sister over you, that's not her fault either. That is all on your mum. Did I read correctly, you've built a good relationship with your mum? Obviously you worked tthrough that trauma. Hopefully you can work through this with your sister. I'm really sorry for what you went through.
None of this was or is your fault. None of this was or is your sister's fault. You were both children who were scared and bullied and made to believe to doubt yourselves. The only person to blame for this is the step dad for the abuse and your mum for enabling him and messing with your head. You and you sister have been, not just sexually violated, but also mentally and emotionally abused and abandoned. I encourage you to go to a GP and ask for a mental health plan to see a psychologist to help you process all the head fuckery you have had to deal with. You need someone on your side who can help you through all of this.