Trigger Warning.
I am a victim of childhood rape. I was raped by my biological father at four.
I was woken to him undressing me, and making me to things to him, before he pinned me down to sexually penetrate me.
He told me I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone or he would hurt me. I eventually feel asleep after the event. But woke up wet. As I had wet the bed because of the trauma.
My mother was told. Police were involved. He got sentenced to jail under a different crime and got released early on good behaviour.
But my problem is, it’s almost 33 years later, and I still get nightmares. I have them all my life. But I experience trauma with these nightmares. As during the nightmares, I revisit the whole experience. I see his face. Hear his voice and get so scared. That I wake up wet. I wet the bed during these nightmares. I feel like a freak. A 36 year old woman, who cannot escape this. But the embarrassing part of this, is I’m not in control. It’s ruing my life. As I’ve been stuck with a horrible cycle of 7 weeks straight of nightmares. I see a psychologist, but we can’t get me past this. I feel like trying ABDL is a way to gain back my control over my own body. My psychologist thinks, it’s the best way to go about it too. Just so I can build up my own control of my body to try to break this. I have asked my girlfriend to help me. But this is too freaky for her. Has anyone else had this? What do you do? I’m just after security & comfort after these. As I’m always so scared lately. Always so tired. I just feel like giving up on life, as this is so controlling. I don’t know what else to do.
For the information about ABDL. It to feel in control over my nightmares. As I’m not incontrol with them. I am not incontrol of my body. I also feel so very very scared and so alone. So it’s about gaining control of my bladder or attempting too. Plus it’s about engaging with someone who I can trust. Who can make me feel safe. Who can make me feel loved and not alone. As I was alone during the abuse. I was alone with my nightmares for years. Dealing with it by myself. So I don’t know what else to try to heal and to be incontrol. As I feel like I’m losing it.
7 Replies
I don’t have your experience in life. But I would be doing whatever gave me the most protection and less work clean up wise. People wet the bed for many different reasons, and being incontinent at night is a well kept secret by many.
My adult son is an occasional bed wetter so he uses brolly sheets. Much easier to clean up and not throwing products away. There are many adult incontinence aids and it’s worth researching.
I hope you find what works for you.
This is so sad x I have no advice as it hasn't happened to me. This has probably already been done but a physical exam should happen too just to rule out a physical cause. I hope your Dad has had a life of hell worse than yours x
Is your psychologist a trauma specialist certified in EMDR therapy? Trauma therapy is very soecialised
I hope he rots In fucken hell. Is the dog mutt shit cunt paedophile dead yet? I'm sorry this has happened to you. As a survivor myself I almost feel I have no right to complain about my own SHITuation when I read how much you went through. Sending caring hugs your way
I’m so sorry you went through that, I have no experience but glad you have a therapist and wish you peace and recovery xxx
I’m confused to why you think ABDL might work? But if you are certain this is what you want to do and your partner can’t help maybe it’s appropriate to use a professional?
I’m sorry you are facing this. Im part of a FB group called ladies of SASS. Some on there might have some suggestions.
I think trying ABDL to help to gain control over the experience.
My psychologist also thinks it will help. As I’ll be the one in control of body. To use it to gain control to try to stop it happening, when I have my nightmares.
As I have tried so many other things over the years. Nothing else has worked. So we were thinking this might. There’s nothing to loose to try.
I’m not going to force anyone to help me. As I’ve my own rights taken away from me more than half a dozen times in my life. I never want anyone to experience that.
I have done psychology. Seen so many different types of professionals. Including ones for childhood trauma. Nothing else had worked.
If ABDL doesn’t work. Then I can tick it off, as something else that I have tried to use. It’s also not the whole aspect of it. It’s about controlling my bladder. As I’m not in control of it and I feel like it’s ruining my relationship. I feel like my partner thinks I’m a freak, and I am worried that she will leave me as she’s had enough.