Ever since we had our second child it seems my husband is always in a bad mood. Especially with our six year old, who is so confused as to why her normally doting dad is suddenly not the same. He’s always angry with her over the smallest things, last night it was for dropping some rice on the floor while eating. Earlier in the week he was annoyed she didn’t fold her clothes and told him she didn’t know how. (Usually she helps me put her clothes away but I definitely am the one folding and she is the one sitting them)
He is never violent, however he is angry all the time and often threatens to “kick her up the bum” or just very snappy with both her and myself. it’s at the point where I’ve told him if it keeps going I’m not sure how we’re going to move forward.
We are under significant stress at the moment, especially financially as he is the sole provider and we have had a few unexpected things pop up. He has some health issues we are in the process of getting sorted that have left him with a lot of really rough sleepless nights and I suspect these things are contributing to his moods as he has never been like this in over ten years.
Has anyone’s partner been in a similar place and how did you move forward? I love him to death and would really like the man I’ve built my life with back. Looking for recommendations on supports or anger management. Even ways to bring up him needing medication possibly.
7 Replies
It could be the underlying medical condition causing this. Hopefully you get some answers soon. My husbands like this too. He used to be so placid and patient. Certain Medical conditions and worry will cause this. Try and talk to him. I think you will find that he is also hiding more than you know regarding his Heath. I’m always in pain and very agitated and impatient. I stress allot from the pain that no body sees.
Maybe he’s stressed, but this will affect your 6 year old permanently. You can’t let it go on, and he should not be comfortable with doing it and using being stressed as an excuse. It may be a reason - it’s not an excuse. Bring it to his attention and he has to change it (there’s help available for stress) and if he doesn’t, then it’s your job to make sure she doesn’t grow up with that.
Your family has been through a major change having a baby. Adding your husbands health problems, lack of sleep and financial pressure and it’s understandable that he may be struggling.
We’ve been through this twice. The first time was after our 2nd was born - we had an 18 month old, a newborn and low income earners. We rode it out but I came very close to leaving. I think he suffered postpartum depression and he also admits that he was in a bad place and now wishes he had sought help at the time - he just couldn’t see it at the time. 5 years later and he’s gone through another patch of being rough on the kids, short with me ect. I sat down with him and told him that how he was treating us wasn’t ok, that I was worried about him and that he needed to seek help or I would be leaving and gave him a list of numbers that would offer help. He booked in to see the gp that afternoon. The dr has him on medication and he’s been a totally different person.
I grew up with an angry parent.
As an adult I understand where that anger came from. It came from resentment of being a single parent, it came from financial struggles and it came from a multitude of undiagnosed mental illnesses.
None of that makes the emotional and verbal abuse I endured any easier to come to terms with though. My mother's anger is still something I'm recovering from.
Your husband is allowed to struggle, he is allowed to feel stressed and frightened and overwhelmed or even angry.
What that does not give him the right to do, is unleash all of that onto an innocent child because he's struggling to cope.
You need to make that brutally clear to him so he knows that getting help is his only real option.
His GP would be the best person to ask about specific anger management programs and probably a mental health plan.
You'll probably also need to think about plan b should he not be willing to get help because your daughter cannot keep being her father's emotional punching bag.
Man can get Post natal depression too. Perhaps this is the issue
I echo everybody who says maybe find 10 mins to actually talk. can the kids spend a night with family so you have space to do that with out interruptions. It's important to ask questions but also listen with out judgment. He also needs to understand that everything he does and says in your home is showing your kids what they are worth and deserve in life. I bet that's not what he wants to here but might be enough to seek support. If money is an issue can you work part time to help with the finances? night fill? retail work? i get not ideal with a new baby but show you are really keen to work at helping the situation, might also be helpful if he needs extended time for his health too? Good luck
Sometimes depression in men presents as anger, so that could be something to look at.