I have just found out yesterday I am pregnant with our third child.
It was unplanned but clearly poorly prevented.
My hubby was booked in for a vasectomy consult in 2 weeks!
I am so torn about what to do, we always said we would only have 2 kids and I would hate to ruin our marriage by having a third if we weren’t on the same page.
My husband is in complete shock and is terrified, he is usually so calm and collected and I have never seen him like this. It’s the first time I have seen him cry and I hate it.
He has said that he will support me no matter what.
I stupidly told my mum this morning when I saw her as she has shingles and I didn’t want her to come to close to me, we bumped into hubby at the beach as he came over to say hi as he was driving past for work and mum pipes up and says “congratulations”. He was completely floored and so upset with me for bringing mum into it when he hasn’t even had time to process himself. I feel awful he was in that position.
We have a 3 year old and a 14 month old and I finally feel like I am getting some of my life back. We’ve just downsized our car, I quit my
Permanent job 4 months ago and I am picking up temp contracts (so no paid mat leave this time!)
I feel awful for our youngest who will be the middle child and I feel like she will miss out on so much.
I’ve booked in with my GP tomorrow to discuss our options including termination (which I never thought I’d be able to do) but I cannot bear to see our mental health and marriage suffer.
I don’t know what I am asking but I guess I would like experiences from both sides either keeping the pregnancy or terminating.
11 Replies
I think you need to stop feeling so awful and start thinking about some positives and just go with it. Put some things into perspective. It’s not the worst thing. You aren’t sick. You have 2 healthy kids. Stop over thinking and just take some time to process it. Stop feeling awful for everyone else. Your youngest child for instance, won’t know any different. It won’t miss out at all. You love and treat all your kids the same. Stop feeling awful for your husband. He played a part in it too. Start thinking about some positives. Honestly you adapt and do what you have to do. Cars can be replaced. Rooms can be shared. Budgets can be cut back a bit. It’s not all bad. I think you need a long walk on the beach and time to breathe, relax and think. I have 3 and my 3rd, my other 2 kids have just adored ever since. My middle one is never left out. They are all close in age and close. You also end up working together on it. It shouldn’t affect you marriage any different to 2 kids does. You are a family and you stick together and support each other. I’d say let it all go, take one day and a time and just go for it. I believe some things happen for a reason. Ultimately it’s your choice but make the eighth choice for the right reasons, not because you feel awful for everyone else. Think about yourself and how you would feel. You are carrying the baby and you are the one that has To go through with it. Don’t stress the small stuff. It’s not the worst thing in the world and you can turn it around and make this a happy thing. You will both adjust over time.
I terminated and don't regret it at all. I was definitely not in the right place to have a baby and I knew my other kids would have suffered and missed out. I do know people who decided to have a baby when they didn't really want to and some are a mess now. I know someone who does really regret another baby and it's affected her whole family and I felt I would have been the same way if I had decided to have the baby.
What do you think your middle child will miss out on? Because material things mean nothing and as long as you can give your kids love and look after them, that is all that matters. It also doesn’t matter what you always said. I always said I would have 4, I didn’t. It doesn’t matter.Change your thinking before you make any decisions. When you are in less of a shock, it will become clearer what you want. Good luck.
I had 3 kids under 5 and it was the best. Wouldn’t have it any other way.take your time on this. You sound like you are thinking too much about others.
Hi I terminated and I don’t regret it. I have 3 kids so it would of been my 4th. I would take some time to really think about what you want. Best of luck with whatever you decide xxx.
I kept my third even though there was only 11 months between her and my now middle child and she was a pill baby. I do not regret her one single day and she is the most empathetic beautiful girl. Once you have that baby everything changes. Before her I was terrified and said they were too close and wondered how I was going to cope. After she was born her father turned into a big pile of goo and forgot all the anxiety in a moment. She is also the easiest of the three. I am so grateful I did not find out early in the pregnancy. I always say she was determined to be here :)
They are all older now and my middle child and her are really close. I do not think he cared about being in the middle lol. If I had a really large age gap maybe I would rethink it. I planned on having the pigeon pair but my third had something she needed to do here lol.
You obviously need to do what is right for you either way but just wanted to share what it was like for us. I wonder if you told your mother because a part of you has already wanted to protect this baby.. only you know the answer <3
It is something you need to allow to sink in and then discuss together and decide what it best for your family, no one else can tell you that answer, consider all scenarios and then together come to the best decision for you. If that to you is not proceeding with the pregnancy than that is ok and as long as the two of you are happy with either decision that is all that matters. Be kind to yourself, as you said it is a surprise and it is ok to be in shock and then decide what is best.
My third was a surprise and I cried when I found out I was pregnant. He’s almost 4 now and is such a little terror but completes our family. You will adapt and won’t have any regrets but the decision is with you. Good luck.
You're doing the right thing for you and your family, don't let anyone make you feel bad for that choice!
Your Husband can not be putting all this on you.
If he didn't want number 3 he should have made his appointment as soon as number 2 was conceived. A baby must be considered a possibility anytime a couple has sex.
Hopefully your doctors appointment gave you some clarity and perhaps you and Husband need to talk to someone together.
This was exactly my situation. My husband was adamant that he did not want more than 2. #3 obviously a massive shock. The cry that came from him when we saw the positive reading is a sound I will never forget. It was absolutely heart wrenching. I have never seen or heard him so devastated before but on the flip side I always slightly resented him for it because I felt so alone the whole time. I didn’t feel I could talk to him about it and I couldn’t be excited for anything because of his feelings. It was hard to be excited when she was born and enjoy my pregnancy knowing he didn’t want this child. Obviously now his feelings have changed about her and she is definitely Daddy’s little girl, but I won’t forget the way that made me feel the whole journey. It really tainted it.
We never discussed termination as he knew I would not have found peace in that decision. I have nothing against making the best choices for your family, however for me personally, I knew I would never cope mentally as I had always been open to more children, only it wasn’t planned due to hubby’s feelings.
#3 has fit in to our family perfectly and is such a character. She keeps us laughing constantly but has definitely been the devil with sleep. I won’t lie, our marriage has definitely been affected. Hubby is so overtired and not coping with 3 and is suffering mild depression as a result. We find ourselves lashing out at one another constantly and not dealing with situations very well. There is a lot of resentment being held on both sides. I am just hoping that we can hold on through this difficult stage and as sleep starts to return and life calms a bit that we can work on rebuilding our relationship.
I guess you just need to weigh up how you would feel if you had a termination, so you think you could feel peace with your decision? Do you think that if you go through with the pregnancy that you and hubby will be able to hold on for the hard stages and work on rebuilding your relationship again?