Would love some reassurance please.... my marriage is falling apart due to my husbands constant heavy drinking. He's present, but drunk and although he works a fulltime job and "provides" for the family, when it comes to stuff at home, he's so lazy! I'd call it being a "gonna".. Gonna do this, gonna do that but does nothing instead. Last year I kicked him out as he threw a chair In a rage and It was too much for me to deal with but stupidly let him come home as I felt guilty that he had no where to go, but put a bunch of conditions on his return such as no more drinking, getting help for both the alcoholism and depression. Few weeks later I found out he was hiding beer and he never did seek help for either of his issues but I never followed through and in a way I've never forgiven myself. I grew up with an alcoholic father and hated him for it. I want better for my kids but at the same time I'm terrified of ending it. Part of me is scared he will do something stupid and I will feel guilty forever, part of me is worried about him drinking when he has access to the kids- I guess the mentality is at least while we are together I know what goes on. Over recent years he has isolated himself from his family and I don't want him to be all alone.. I'm paranoid I'll lose my kids, either via custody etc or because they will hate me for leaving him. I don't want to hurt him, I know deep down he loves me but it's not enough. How can I end it without feeling so guilty?
3 Replies
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your husband is killing himself slowly and you staying is condoning his behaviour and basically saying that's ok. Staying isn't going to stop him doing anything. You can not save him. He has to save himself and he probably won't do that while you stay with him.
Take the kids with you when you leave and then ask for supervised visits through mediation. The children do not have to be left alone with them. It's not ok for them to see there dad drunk on a daily basis it is harming them and you need to protect them from that. If you stay will your kids blame you for bringing them up in a toxic situation?
I think you should join al-anon for support, but most of all know staying won't help him and leaving and staying left might be the wakeup call he needs and will be in the best interests of your children.
I was in a similar relationship except we werent married. He drank all the time, worked full time 6days and on sundays we normally did family stuff (with our kids) thats if he wasnt drunk or hungover. I couldnt stand how much he drank and especially after work, he would drink in the pub before he came home, which usually meant, almost every day after work, he'd come home drunk, almost drunk, sometimes not at all and sleep then go back to work half off his head. By the time he came home after work the next day, he'd sleep. We barely saw him sober and although I knew leaving him would put us in financial ruin, i kicked him out. I didnt want our kids seeing him like that, plus he was always picking fights and violent. He also was distant from his family and i knew he had no where to go. He ended up meeting a woman the same night i threw him out at the pub. She has kids too. He called me n said he was moving in with her and not coming back. That was a year ago. His toxic behaviour left us and im so glad. The kids and i are better without him, safer and stronger. Healthy n happy. I work now and we have moved. Although it has been the hardest thing ive been through i miss him terriblg n ponder the what ifs but i dont regret it. I keep reminding myself of who he was and how i wanted out and why! I use to be jealous of his new woman or gf but now i feel sorry for her and her kids that he raises as his own but cut our kids conpletely off. Sorry excuse for a man. My advice, if you need to go with your kids then GO. You shouldnt feel guilty. If he cant help himself, no one can.
You have nothing to feel guilty about - you have to do what's right for you and for the children
I felt guilty after I separated from my husband it will pass and life does get better