I'm not sure what I'm after here but I feel I need/ want to get this offy chest. I haven't really told anyone about this.
At school I had lots of friends, was good at school and sport and had a great family but never had boyfriends. So when this one boy showed me attention I was over the moon. We dated for 2.5 years after school (about 10 years ago now). At first it was goo but then he became possessive and jealous. I stopped hanging out with friends and doing the usual stuff 18/19 years olds do. When I woke up to it ands started distancing myself it got worse. He would threaten to kill himself if I left him. He would cry and beg when I tried to leave. One night I woke up to him trying to have sex with me. Once he tried to pull my hand break on in the car when I was driving because we had a disagreement an another time he put his hands around my throat when I was driving. It was my first 'relationship' but I got out just before my 20 birthday and cut ties. I ended up getting his dad to intervene one night one he said he was going to kill his self and never looked back. It took me a year to get away. I was young, nieve and inexperienced in life. He told all his family and our mutual friends I was the crazy one and i didn't care because I was just happy to be out of there! I stopped playing the sport I loved and cut ties with all our mutual friends. I focused one studies and my job and reunited with all my old friends.
I'm now married to a wonderful man, we have a darling
5 month old daughter and I have a fantastic career. But what I have noticed lately is that for someone with a great memory I seem to not remember much of those 2.5 years. Is that weird? And lately I have been laying awake in bed at night remembering and Realising the anormity of that situation and how it has impacted me more than I thought and it makes me feel cold and sick to my stomach. I have never told anyone this whole story.
I'm just wondering if that's normal? Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?
5 Replies
Yeah, I have huge gaps in my memory around the time I went through an extremely stressful situation and then it HIT me later for whatever reason. For me I kept trying to push the feelings down and ended up having a breakdown. I wish I had sought help much earlier by seeing my GP for referrals. I did get through it and came out better for it and I had no idea how much baggage I was carrying around until I was able to talk about it, be honest with myself etc. I had an excellent counselor who really helped me process it all.
It might just be your way of coping by blocking it out. The human brain can be remarkable. It could be that you have post traumatic stress from it too. Xx
I have limited memory from my relationship with my ex, I used to write everything down and the other night I got the courage to read some of it and I couldn't remember a lot of it. He was abusive to both emotionally and physically it's funny how our minds work. If it is effecting you and after this long still impacting you please go to your gp and get a referal to a psychologist or counsellor. I personally try not to remember the things my ex did but when I do it sends me a little crazy. If I can go get help, you can to :-)
All I can say is WOW I could have written this my self exactly even down to the hand break in the car incident!!! The only difference is I ended up having a child with him before I managed to get out - my son is an amazing boy and I'm so lucky to have him but it's hard having to share him with such a horrible human being. My ex has not changed even after 10 years (still no job/whole world is against him/jealous/suicidal etc.) so I have reminders of the past but I know I have also blocked most of it out too - the parts I can remember I just can't believe I was so stupid to put up with! I love my life now and have a perfect fiancé who I have been with for almost 5 years and he is a great step-dad. Good on you for getting out and sending biggest amount of love to you xoxo
This is your brain telling you to get some counselling! Not because there's anything wrong, but just so you can work through this and move on without it affecting you long term. You are a superstar in my opinion - so many women seem to get trapped in awful relationships. But as young as you were, you got out of there and did what you had to do to protect yourself. So strong, so amazing. And your mind did what it had to do to protect itself too. Maybe that now you're in a safe place, and a stable and secure relationship, your mind has the time and space to face what happened and process it properly. Well done, and all the best to you xxx