Hey IMs
Before I start please ladies don't say leave him, I am looking for advise to save my marriage please. Marriage Counselling is not an option. Sorry this is long
Hubby and I have been together 8 years married 3. Have 2 kids, 2yr old and 4mth old.
Last 3 years have been tough! All of our core values / morals are the same and we are so compatible on most things but the difference we have is now causing a big issue.
He doesn't see a problem with going to pub with friends after work. I don't mind this but in moderation. For a while there he was going every night and coming home around 8pm when kids in bed when we had a very newborn 2nd child. I put it down to stress but eventually cracked it at him and said enoughs enough you need to be home more. (When he's home he is an amazing dad / husband ) he agreed and said I was right he was out too much and would be here more. We agreed on 2 nights a wk that he has 'off' and comes home around 7pm
For dinner and shower older child.
This has now gone out the window he's still only doing the 2 nights out but not getting home until kids in bed and now going out on weekends which has always been family time.
I'm trying SO hard to be understanding I know the kids stress him and we also have our own business which is stressful so I totally understand he needs time out but I'm struggling with him not being home and with jealousy as I don't get a break so why should he. He always says go out when you want but it's such an effort to get him to be home and be in a good mood to care for kids it's just not worth it most times.
I cracked it this week cause pressures too much and told him I need a break tomorrow which he agreed to but now suddenly he's sick so probably not going to happen.
Sorry for the long story ladies, I guess my question is how do I move forward? I honestly love him but I have lost respect
For him. Will this get better as kids get older and we have more freedom or how do I explain and repair this?
10 Replies
I'm in a similar situation and I often feel very resentful and jealous of my husband. Although he doesn't have "allocated" times or days he can go out, whenever he wants to do something, even if it costs money (which we have very little of), I always say he can go. It's never offered in return though, even though he says he would look after our children whenever I wanted to go out and I never spend money on myself.
Honestly I think we just have to keep reminding them. Remind him that he agreed to be home by 7 to help put your eldest to bed and he hasn't been doing that. Remind him that you need help and a break sometimes too. And when you need a break tell him and go - we still look after the kids when we're sick, it won't kill him to do it too.
I think the only reason I'm still stuck in this situation is because I feel too guilty asking for time off or to spend money on myself when I know he works his butt off for us and the money can be better spent elsewhere...so I'm still working on that. Good luck!
Thankyou! It's great to know I'm not alone in this. I think the majority is the jealousy that's pissing me off.
Guys get it easy lol. I understand they work hard to support family but we work hard raising the family so it's got to go both ways. If I could have 1 night a month I'd be more than happy. It's just how much effort it takes to get that night so I can't be bothered pushing it until I'm at breaking point like now :-(
Thank you for understanding! Good luck finding your balance, I hope it works soon for you :-)
I'm sorry, real guys don't get it easy and come home to see there children. A family takes 100% commitment from ALL the parents. If his job is that stressful that he doesn't want to come home he needs to look for a new job or you look for work to ease the financial strain. Yeah one or two nights off for both adults is fair enough we all need time out to participate in sport, hobbies or see a friend.
I don't think it will get better as the kids get older, because it has nothing to do with the kids. It's about behaving like a single man in every way other than bringing home a paycheck. He was equally involved in making the babies so he also needs to be around for those babies.
Myself and hubby make sure we give each other time during the week to do something just for ourselves. It let's is relax. Hubby watches kids while i go and do my hobby and vice versa. It does get better as kids get older you will find once their in school you get more freedom as well as as they get older they arnt so reliant on us and can do things for themselves.
Is there a chance he could be suffering from pnd? Its not uncommon for men to go through it, its just not talked about as much! You mentioned he is a good dad and husband, so he obviously loves you guys, but maybe the pub thing is his way of crying out! If this was a man writing the same story about a woman pnd would be the first thing people would think! Maybe try google and see if there are any other signs he may be presenting! Good luck x
I'm just wondering why counselling is off the cards and not even an option? Finding time to do that is really important if you are having issues... If it is because he won't be a willing part in it then you can't fix this by yourself. I know it sounds blunt but he needs to help work on this :-( speaking from experience you will drive yourself insane trying to fix something you have no control over. Wish you luck.
I agree
When I was unhappy I hated the advice, ride it out. It'll get better when the kids grow up.
All people said it to me, even doctors told us to get through the first two or three years. It's just crazy really!! From my experience it's not the children and you shouldn't have to ride out bullshit and unhappiness with stress waiting for him to deal with his unhappiness and stress. It's just not the answer!! You're looking for help because you need help NOW and a helpful connected partner can change your whole happiness and next few years of life. He needs to plug in and you both need to work and make changes to make both your lives happy. It sounds like he's unhappy too and just getting by (albeit selfishly) but you don't have to ride it out. You deserve better and need a team mate for a partner. I think counselling is a good start, even for you alone they can help you organise things better, but eventually he will need to be trying with you to make anything work. Good luck.
Compromise. He can have his 2 nights during the week still, but can only go out on weekends every second weekend (or third or fourth-whatever works for u guys)
Its not fair for him to be out every weekend.
Im sorry but you allow him to get away with this behaviour.. what he is doing is childish and boyish !! Week nights and weekends no wayyy why should he have all the fun .. no way I use to be like this now I follow by example whats good for the man is good for the woman be as selfish as he is and you will soon see how much he will notice !! Men are a joke at times ... and sorry to say we girls try to keep them happy and for what to get no respect in return its a joke