Needing advice on what to do with my life and the father of my son....
I'm 23 (his dad is 28) and I'm a single mum. I have one son and he's 15months old. I slpit from my sons father 10months ago. We had been together for 4years. He decided drugs were more important then his family. So i left. I dont want any sort of drugs around my son. Before we split we were already having troubles. He moved into my mums place because i told him he needed to sort himself out and to get off the drugs. my mum offerd to help him. Last year on Christmas i gave him the choice on having our son Christmas eve or Christmas night (as he still lived with my mum) and he chose Christmas night. I went around there that day and to no surprise, he was off his head. I decided to leave my son there as i new my mum would keep him safe and look after him. I came around the next day to pick my son up and his father was no where to be seen. My mum then explained to me that my son kept waking up in the night and his father ended up yelling at him n telling him to f.... Up. (my mum of course had a go at him) he decided then to jump in his car, took off and left our son in his cot crying. (i am so thankful my mum was there). I ended everything then and there. My mum kicked him out and that was that.
It had been 9months since my son had seen his father. (not my doing. As i tried to get him to come see him to build some sort of relationship with him but never replied to me or would answer my calls).
One afternoon he decided he would come see his son. He actually played with him for the first time ever. The following day i got a phone call saying he was locked up ect. He spent 6weeks in jail. I tried to do the right thing and sent him money and helped him with a lawyer ect. He finally got out and was off all the drugs he was on and wanted to stsy off them. So as normal i let him back in my life and he built a great relationship with our son.
A few weeks into it and i realised i couldnt forgive him for everything he has done and done to me. (cheating, lying, drugs, mental abuse, breaking my nose, ect) i told him i couldnt have contact with him anymore but I still wanted him to see his son and my mum would take our son around there to see him. (as i dont trust him alone with him). A few weeks went by and as normal, no contact. No asking to see his son, no asking how he is, ect.
Last week i decided to ask my mum if she could take my son to see his father and to ask him if it was ok. My mum took him around there and they had a nice afternoon. (from what my mum said). I told him to ask when he'd like to see his son again and I'd work something out. A week went by and nothing again. So once again i reached out and organised for them to see each other today. My son stayed at my mums last night and she was taking him there in the afternoon after his lunch. I came home this afternoon to find my mum sitting out the front of my house with my son. I asked what she was doing because she was meant to be taking my son to see his father. Her response to me was. "He had msged me this morning and told me he was hungover and would be sleeping all day. So not to bother coming over".
At this point, I AM SO BLOODY ANGRY. I want to cry and scream. I just want to give up but i dont want my son to miss out on having a dad. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm so tired and exhausted. I'm trying so hard to do everything right but it just doesn't seem good enough. And now my son kinda understands who his dad is, it only makes it harder. I want to give up but i dont want him to hate me when hes older because he doesnt remember his dad. I just dont know what to do...
9 Replies
Give up. When he has grown up and is clean and stable he may make the effort then.
Its hard I know you want to do what you can for your son. You want him to have a dad and know his dad.
Let it go let him sort himself out. It can't be forced. And speaking from experience trying to push it can result in him being in the middle of the next explosion.
It's time to give up. There will be other better male role models in your child's life right now your sons father can not parent at all. Stop trying, if he ever gets well let him prove it by him taking you through mediation. When he can get through the entire mediation process you will know he is well enough to have some limited contact.
Yep that's actually a really good measure
This is not your fault. Your son should not hate you because his dad is a useless twat.
Give it up - stop trying. You have given him more than enough chances and he hasn't taken them. Stop putting yourself and your son through this emotional hell.
Raise your son. Forget his dad. He knows where to find you if he decides he wants a relationship.
Give up. Its not failing. You're giving too much of yourself and your son. Teach your son strength in not being treated badly and like an option. It's a bad feeling. Let him man up, grow up, and become the father he is all on his own. You'll never force anything your son will always feel it if it is anyway sounds like he's had enough of it already.
Give up whenyour sons older you can explain how much you tried forhim to build a relationship. Time to consentrate on your little boy and building a safe environmemt for him
My child has not seen his father, ever. He walked out while I was still pregnant. I refuse to chase people down to have a relationship with my child. If he was interested he would make an effort. In trying to do 'the right thing' you're doing wrong by yourself. You've tried to help him, tried to facilitate a relationship and he throws it in your face. Forget bout him and worry about being the best mum and dad you can be.
You need to go to court and do it properly get the drug abuse etc noted down so he does not get nasty and run off with him. I would offer limited visitation supervised and if he misses three times dont try anymore. He one day might sort himself out but if he does not atleast you have tried.
My sons father has been gone 6 years he is married with three kids and has forgotten to call or visit apparently. I pushed mediation etc but he was the one who walked away... i can say i tried.
You sound like a wonderful mummy who wants the best for her boy. But please think long term. I personally think this could be doing him more harm then good. If you feel like your trying and it's not good enough how is your son going to feel when he is meant to see his daddy but then he doesn't and is constantly getting let down by him? Maybe he will then think that he isn't good enough. You need to be there for him not be stressed about trying to make something that isn't going to happen, happen. If his dad wants to be in his life he needs to do it on his own accord and not being forced to. He will grow up one day and see what an idiot he has been and missed out on. I also agree with getting onto legal advice about what happens longer term and what happens if he decides he wants his son without supervision ect. And just document things with dates in a diary just to cover yourself later on just in case.