My question is how do I make my slef happy when every thing keeps going wrong. When people keep hurting me.
Sorry its long you don't have to read it all.
When i was a child i was touched by a boy down the road it went on for months. I ended up telling my mum 2 years later and she didnt believe me as she thought this stuff never happens. I have so much resentment toward her still 14 years later and i still ask her why she didnt do anything and she just says i obviously had a lot going on back then. She just doesn't care. And doesn't feel guilty for not getting me help when i was a child.
When i was in high school i suffered with anorexia and amost died. Told i was never able to have kids because i had ruined all my reproductive organs.
I grew up in a DV house where my father would abuse us all mentally especially my mother. Us kids were smacked and not lightly either we would have our hair pulled our heads banged together etc.
I felt so worthless to my father no praise at all and my mum stood by him like all victims do so i thought she didnt care about me either. He would constantly leave and come back this was so normal he'd go in the night and then come back in a few weeks saying he decided he did love us.
After being in and out of hospital i decided it was time to get a carrier. So i studied vet nursing. I got a job and i had never been so happy. I started to save for a unit.
Then i met a guy and he took my virginity with out me consenting and i was back into depression.
I finally had enough money for a unit. But i met a guy. And he was perfect he helped me through. My dad was still coming and going and abusing and i couldn't take it anymore so i moved away with this guy to america for a year and through away all my money he had my travel card and spent on it. And quit my job. This guy was perfect except i didnt know he was spending my money and made me so happy finally i was happy and i was even eating and i was showing my body for the first time wearing a bikini etc
When returning to australia his abusive side came out. I moved in with him and he would control me to the extreme Call me fat he started to sexually abuse me had control over every thing i did and my benefits. Then i found out i was pregnant and over the moon i could have a baby. But he told me to abort i refused so he became physically violent to make me miscarriage so i ran.
Now his got someone else 7 months later and she is wearing my engagement ring and thinks he gave it to her as an xmas gift. She doesn't even know she is dating him and he has me out there pregnant she is just out of school to so much younger than him and i have an avo out on him. He told me he never wanted me just like my family. And having someone else so quick he was right. I gave my life up never to be loved. Now im a single mum and wanting to end my life. But i can't because she needs me i left him to save her life and mine. I'm now on the waiting list for housing commission. I asked my dad who is very wealthy for help and he told me to live in housing commission that i chose to be a single mum and won't give me a cent. I never pictured my life like this living in housing commission and a single mum. My mum wants me to help her pay out my dad with my parenting benifits as he finally is gone for good but i don't want to stay in the house i was abused in and still am picked on terribly by my brother and sister who live at home still as they are studying. i told her tonight and she won't talk to me. But i don't want to let her down just like i feel i have with everyone else in my life. I feel so worthless my sister talks to me like crap says no one wants me that im a bitch told me she hopes i loose my child etc and my mum backs her says she's only 16 she doesnt mean it. I told mum i can never forgive her for saying she wishes i loose my baby and my mum is discussed in me. How can i ever be truly happy when life keeps going wrong with everything i do. Do i stick by my mum and help her keep the house so she can be happy even though i sit in my bed every day with my new baby and cry. I don't know what i am asking its just nice wrighting out my feelings which i have never done. Sorry its so long.
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4 Replies
You need to forget about your family and look after you and your baby. You need to make an appointment with your GP asap and ask for a referral for someone to talk to like a counsellor/ social worker /psychologist. If you need to talk to someone in the mean time please call beyond blue or lifeline. You've been through a lot and yes you need some help and support but life can and does get so much better even when you've been through what you have been through.
Babe I am so sorry that all these people are treating you this way :-( Please don't think you deserve it... I am someone who suffered sexual abuse though and you definately need help to deal with it all. I am lucky to have been blessed with an amazing family but if I was in your position i'd be leaving them for dust. They are toxic and are hurting you in a way that will stop you getting any better. Please don't feel like ending it is the only option. Reach out to a professional today please. You are worth it and you deserve it... Good luck babe and please keep us updated.
Don't stay in a relationship just to try to make someone else happy, whether it be your mom, siblings, partner, etc. If they are not helping you heal, they are hurting you. Get help from a counselor, find a support group for sexual assault, domestic violence, whatever you have available that could fit your needs. They can help you learn to cope and perhaps give you a new social group. You deserve to be happy and your baby girl will know what a strong woman you are for coming out the other side of so many hardships. Most importantly, do it for you. And it will benefit her.
Big hugs to you my friend! There is a reason to keep going and that is your beautiful child, who has come to you against all odds and will love you unconditionally. He/she is your reason and whatever else has let you down and failed in your past, you can and will be a wonderful mother. Please believe that. You have fallen into a pattern of abuse where you are seeking abusive relationships. So the safest option is to stay away from them all - no parents, no boyfriends - until you have built your self confidence and can stand on your own two feet. You don't owe anybody anything - the only two people you have to take care of are yourself and your unborn baby. Please give these two priority above all else! Be selfish, you have my permission. Be kind to yourself and love yourself unconditionally as no one else has done. Be the mother to yourself that you always dreamed of. Accept help from professionals in this vulnerable time - with your depression and your housing needs. You can start from zero again with your career, you are still young and you've done it before so you know you have it in you. You can do it, I know you can!! Love Xxx