Hi!
Please no judgement, I understand this may be a sensitive topic for some.
I have just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant to my partner if only three months. This is the worst possible timing for us, his family think the worst of me (tried to run my name through the mud kind of bad!) they've told everyone I'm only with him to have a baby so you can imagine just how it looks! & they would absolutely cut him out if they found out & He is not willing to risk that. We're both about to venture into our degrees, financially we're far from stable & having only been together a short time there's a concern we may not last.
I have booked my termination for next week (Wednesday 11th) & im shitting myself. I know it's the right thing to do, however I also know we could make it work. We would struggle but it can work. I've wanted another child for so long (I have a 4yo daughter) & actually tried for 12 months without any luck - timing was never right.
My support network are supportive either way. However those close to me think I will struggle to come to terms with a termination and may suffer afterwards. When I think of keeping this baby I get so excited & im thrilled to be pregnant (removing the stresses of the situation) I just know it's less than ideal, it could turn really messy with his family.
I guess what I'm asking is, reassurance termination is the right thing to do? Has anyone else been in this position where it was a difficult decision to make however decided to terminate and now look back & your glad you did?
UPDATE-
My partner has now made me feel like I have no choice, the termination will be going ahead. I'm now looking for sites or blogs/counselling services anyone can recommend to help me get through the termination & deal with the guilt associated. & to the few commenting 'birth control next time' etc etc. well FYI the condom broke and I took the morning after pill so please keep things like that to yourself.
Thanks
47 Replies
I’m sorry I can’t reaasure you. I 100% believe in abortion. If I found out I was pregnant today, I would not be thrilled and excited. I know I absolutely could not raise a child under my present circumstances.
To me, you don’t sound like you want an abortion. It sounds like you think it would be convenient to have an abortion. I would worry if I was your family too.
I don't think having an abortion is 'convenient'. I absolutely want this baby & it's been the hardest situation I've been in to date. However I also know it's not the right thing right now for both my son, my partner & this life inside of me. No idea what you mean in saying you would worry if you were my family?
Thanks for your comment
I get what this commenter is saying and actually agree..... I think she is saying the fact you are excited means she thinks you will regret it and that's why your family would be worried. Abortion is convenient as in, it will keep his family happy and won't ruin both your current plans to study. Well that's how I took it.
Thank you for clarifying what I meant. That's exactly what I meant.
Sorry! & thanks to the other poster for clarifying!! I mistook your comment but get it now, thanks
I have never had remorse and big emotions about it. It was hard to go through and not nice but since its been a nonissue. I think this is because it was the right thing, it was not the righr time and I definitely didnt want a baby.
Thankyou!!
You dont have to suffer emotionally from a termination, and lets be honest, sometimes you might and it can still be the right thing for you to do. There is help for you to get through that.
I think your friends might be thinking emotions means regrer which means you shouldnt do it and thats oversimplified too.
They need to remember that this unplanned pregnancy is not the same at all as trying when youre ready and it cant replace that, its a completely different life choice and comes with a whole new set of circumstances so a whole new decision process.
Try to take some time out, its not about his family or your friends, only your life and household, what do YOU feel is the best way forward.
Thankyou so much x
I never thought i would have an abortion, but i did.
When i think about it i do feel a tad sad but i also know it was the right thing to do for numerous reasons.
We cant tell you which decision to make-only you can decide that, but i can tell you the procedure and treatment i received was nothing like i had expected. The ladies at the clinic were wonderful and it never felt 'clinical' or impersonal. It doesnt hurt and recovery is very quick.
Goodluck xx
Thanks very much, really appreciate it. Makes me feel more at ease over it all
This is not a decision you can or should make based on other peoples opinions. Screw what his family thinks, screw what your family think. You just really need to start thinking about what YOU want.
You honestly sound undecided either way, it is still early days too so you do still have a few weeks to take all your feelings into consideration.
At the end of the day you need to make the choice that you can live with.
Best of luck hun
If she relies heavily on family for child minding and support, they do get a bit of a say
Wtf? No they do not!
They can choose not to babysit or choose to be uninvolved but to suggest they get to have a say in whether or not she has a termination is utter bullshit. The ONLY person who gets to make that decision is the person who is pregnant.
It actually seems like her family don't want the abortion because they're worried how it will effect her which is valid. It's her fears on what his family will say if they find out that worrys her.
When I had one i had just started dating (like 1 month)into a new relationship and at the time had 2 kids under 5. I was not physically, mentally or emotionally ready for another. I wont lie it was a hard decision to make but I have not once regretted having one because i know it was the right thing for myself, my kids and the father to do. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Even if your partner comes around by wednesday, you still need to make this choice based on the idea of you being a single mum, because its so early there are no guarantees with him no matter what he says this week, it has to be about you.
Being a single mum doesn't phase me at all. I've been doing it on my own with my 4year old since day dot and loved it
So maybe this is your answer? I also know a few women who kept their baby and lost their man. Some gave them absolute hell, but they wouldn't change their decision, only change the man if they could.
Ultimately the final decision is yours xx
And to add I know a few also who kept their baby and their relationship but it didn't last long. Either way, you'll have no regret and you won't be stuck in a dire situation if you make your decision based on your own heart and your situation if you end up single.
I had an abortion Feb 2010 i left that boyfriend never looked back. Met my now husband in April 2010(didnt plan for him to stick around but he did). Only a handful of people know about my abortion. I already had two kids to one guy i didnt want to be single with three children. I now have 3 children and an angel my husband loves our child and the two from my very first relationship.
Honestly though you need to do what works for you. Goodluck. Xxx
I had a termination as it wasn't the right time for me or my family. No one knows except my husband. We already at 2 children with the youngest being 9months at the time.
I thought I'd feel more guilt, sure i felt bad but i think it was more that i had let myself down and gotten myself in the situation of do i or don't i keep this baby.
I was not excited about being pregnant and that to me was my biggest decider. I didn't want to bully myself into keeping a baby out of fear of guilt.
I have gone on to have another baby since then and now have 3 happy healthy children. Be kind to yourself, whatever you decide it will be right decision xo
I think the decision is much different when you already have children. I had 3 children and got pregnant just a month after my third was born. We were already struggling financially and would have a buy a bigger car. My children were also all very young, so I was stressed about whether I would cope mentally. I called a counsellor who said that the majority of the calls they get from women who regret their termination were in situations where they'd had a child or children and then terminated a subsequent child, as was my situation. She said they all felt so guilty for choosing which of their children to bring into the world. It really struck a cord with me and I went ahead with my pregnancy. It was hard, but we made it work. Seven years later my 4th child is my world and I can't bear the thought that there was a chance I may never have met her. As others have said- proceed with your decision as though you would be a single parent anyway, but if you feel in your heart you could do it again on your own and love your child, then don't be forced into something you aren't comfortable doing.
Posted your question early. Hope it helps
Hugs xKelly
https://www.facebook.com/Theimperfectmum/posts/1752283941504895
Thankyou so much Kelly!
If you're prepared to be a single mum then keep the baby if that's what you want. You already know he's a tosser
Read Rosie Waterland's recent fb post on the topic
Please don't do it because your partner is forcing you. I had an abortion at 17 because I felt like everyone was going to turn against me. My mother threatened to kick me out if I got pregnant and my partner at the time manipulated me into getting it. I regretted it instantly and we still didn't last. Never abort to save a relationship. While mine wasn't to save a relationship I did feel like I had no choice.
You acknowledge in one of your responses that it is a "life inside you". Could you take that life? Could you live with that? It is your decision, but please remember, this life has its own DNA and a heartbeat by 6 weeks- its your offspring, your flesh and blood. I don't envy the situation you are in, but if you want to keep this child, don't let anyone stand in your way- especially for some guy that is pressuring you and can't promise you a future together. X
Not exactly helpful the choice is for the OP not what anyone else thinks no matter what path she takes.
Please tell me you didn't do it! Or you're not going to
You said yourself you got really excited thinking about it!
Who cares what he did he wore no condom or whatever he did the deed now it's time to man up and deal with it the adult way, with him CHOSING for you he obviously doesn't care bout how you feel bout it and having his family drag your name through mud ain't right either you've been a single mum before I'm guessing so you know more than anyone else you can do it again, he can pay child support or maybe he'll find that he'd like to stick around and try make it work after all either way if you think you're gonna need counselling for an abortion it's definitely not the choice to make, financial situation or not, my financials are shit I'm about to lose my car and I live rent free atm until I start paying in December and my head is way under water in debt and I'm past the point of declaring bankrupt as in that's my only escape from my debt now but I wouldn't change that for the world if it means I get my kids
I'm over living life about money or what other people are doing or what other people want, I live now for fun and enjoyment and making my kids faces light up and you should do the same
You said you absolutely want the baby in one of your replies, my question for your consideration is this.....
What happens if you terminate, then you begin to resent your partner, then the two of you drift apart... then split, how would you feel if he was gone?? Would you still feel happy about your choice to terminate? I have no judgements, Just step back from the situation, and put yourself and what you want first, study can be deferred, you have a wonderful support network from the sounds of it, and they are the ones that would know you the best... even better than your partner as they have known you longer... please - I know it's scary being alone in pregnancy, but this is your choice, he doesn't own you and has no right to demand you terminate.. be kind to yourself too mumma, if you need more time, postpone the termination a week or two, you have time, don't rush in because he said you have to... sending you much love and hugs at this time xxxx
If I was a man I would never ever suggest someone I got pregnant to terminate. Well Knowing what it's like to be told to do so is terrible. It should be up to the woman because she has to go through the termination which is heartbreaking and can have complications and so that part should be her choice.
I fell pregnant at 3 months into the relationship and now 7 years later married and 2 kids!! Completely doable if both on board!! Good luck x x
His family sound awful! I hope amongst all their nastiness he stepped in a told them to back off. At what point will you havung a baby to this man, not cause chaos with his family? Sounds like every step of your realtionship with him will be met with negativity.
Sorry you have had to go through such a decision. Its a hard one. Ypur doctor shpuld ve able to refer you to a counsellor.
Hi love I've been in your situation not long ago. The father that i was pregnant to was not a good role model for what I was after for my son.
He was only after my money. As I am set up financially. I have no regrets terminating. The termination process was fine for me no after pain.
I know I'll never have another baby & that's ok I'm happy with just my son. Best of luck
I had an abortion, it wasn't "the right time". We had just had a baby, would have struggled financially, I even just had this weird feeling the day after that even with our prevention methods, I was going to fall pregnant so even took the morning after pill. But I fell pregnant, my partner and I discussed it and decided to have an abortion.
We only have one doctor in our town that will do it and it you have any shadow of a doubt he won't. So I put on a brave face and pretended to be fine with it because I needed to make the adult decision.
I wasn't fine with it. We had 4 miscarriages trying to conceive our daughter and I just went along and essentially killed my baby. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't against abortion and I'm still not but if you are having trouble making the decision and are very emotionally driven, you'll never forgive yourself or your partner.
I went through another 5 miscarriages to finally have another successful pregnancy and each time I hated myself because it just felt like punishment for what I had done. I've moved on a lot since then but I never forget. I'm sure we could have found a way to make it work but we just chose the easier option for us and I'll always have to live with what could have been.
I'm fortunate enough to have the most supporting partner who never pressured me and told me whatever decision I wanted to make he would support 100%, if he had of straight out told me to get one, we wouldn't have lasted.
I had my termination going on 4 years ago now. I did it for very similar reasons as you are. I couldn't give my baby the quality of life he or she deserved at this point in my life. I didn't have a stable job or a car, barely had my licence and only just got a 1 bedroom rental on centrelink.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby, they would be 3 years old now. I have a little box locked away that has my ultrasound pictures and the pregnancy tests and a little teddy bear I had bought for them and that brings me a lot of comfort but I think at the end of the day it will always weigh heavy on me
My story has alot of similarities you. A new relationship, pregnant, just started study. Discuss yes or no. Eventually he made me feel like termination was the only option. I could not have raised a baby on my own. Went ahead with it felt so much guilt. Spoke to counsellors.
3 years later we separated.
12 years on looking back I feel it was the best thing. I may have stayed in a bad relationship with him for the sake of the child. Or I would at least still have to be in contact with him.
I am now with an amazing guy. We have a 3 month old son.
Every now and then I think about what if. But that thought happens less and less, at most once a year around when they could have been born.
I had no support, he was the only person to know. It was done in secret. I think that's what made it hard.
It's no easy decision, if you feel it right do it. If he is also pressuring you, maybe have a look at your relationship and see if you want to be with someone that will put that kind of pressure on you.
Yep. Similar story to mine.
It sucked then but I'm so grateful that I terminated.
The emotional side sucks but manageable.
Keep reminding yourself about why you needed to do it.
All the best 😘
Terminations are mentally emotionally harder to cope with than people think. I went through a medical termination earlier this year & straight after I did it I wished I hadn't but I then couldn't stop it. It was too late. I too habe major issues with my partners family but if you stay with him you'll always have issues with them. F*** them don't let them control your decisions. I went through a few months of absolute depression, of hating myself & various complications of still testing as pregnant after the medical abortion. If never do it again but you need to do what's right for you. Week counselling first xx
My first child is now 11 months and he is the best thing that came into my life when he was born, I had only been with my partner at the time for 8 months. When I told him, I had no choice it was an abortion or lose him (mind you he treated me like absolute shit because it was my fault I got pregnant). We booked an appointment with the doctor to organise the go ahead. I never wanted to go through with an abortion but I wanted to please him. After the appointment I told him I couldn’t go through with it, he left me and hated me for what I did to his life. For me it was the hardest thing I ever had to face in my life ‘losing the love of my life’.
I am now in a new relationship who I fell pregnant with after 3 months. Now, I was waiting for my life to repeat its self but instead my partner was there for me and gave me the choice, he has stuck by my side this whole time and as much as he found negative he also looks at the positive which the situation has grown on him.
Please don’t make a decision that will affect you because of someone else. Only you will know what you want and only you have the choice at the end of the day as it’s your body. In the end it’ll all work out.
You need to think about what is best for you and the baby, without anyone else manipulating you into making an abortion about their wants.
As hard as it is for some men to accept, the right to demand an abortion disappears once they decide to blow their load into someone's vagina. They no longer own it. They can however be responsible for their own reproduction. There is the male pill, condoms, vasectomy. Though everyone knows they are not 100% effective, it's a risk we all take. Don't like the potential outcome and loss of control about what your sperm can do, then keep it in your pants. The fact of nature is conception, pregnancy, abortion, birth etc all happens in the females body. Do what you believe is right for you and another child.
Many yrs ago I was in similar situation, I went ahead with a termination, that's what everyone else wanted. I have regretted that ever since. I am now late fourty, and still trying to forgive myself. It's a personal choice for you, you will have to live with it, that can be very hard at times. You must be absolutely sure that this is what you want to do, you also have to think about what may happen if you keep the child, you could be doing it alone. Then do you want this man in your life for a very long time, as he seems sure that you aren't going ahead. One thing I have learnt in my life, trust your gut, only you know what is right for you, change the date if you need more time to think, best of luck
Usually the clinic you choose will have a counselling service attached, I was in a very similar circumstance and chose the same avenue except my partner was very supportive of my decision. It’s not his choice it’s yours so be certain with yourself that you are doing it for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.