Sorry for the long storey. I am now 40, and do have one child from a previous marriage. My amazing new hubby and I are now trying to conceive. I had been on Depo and then the pill prior and went off the pill only earlier this year to get my body functioning once again. On top of this I also have POC (but not syndrome), which I have known since my early 20’s but wasn’t an issue with falling pregnant the first time. So I came off the pill and had 3 menstrual cycles within 29-33 day periods. Then my next cycle was 52 days, and I went to see a fertility doctor. In short, my body is trying to regulate (as much as it can with POC), but he put me on Chlomid due to my age to help move things along. He said, we can try this for 3 months and if this does not work, he will look at further measures and of course IVF. But in short, there is no time to waste.
So I am currently in my “fertile window” and had kept my hubby updated on where my body was at. Last night he threw me a huge massive curve ball, that he is feeling pressured to perform (even though this was technically the first performance). He said he wants things naturally to occur and not to feel pressured to fulfil his duties within the fertile window. We ordinarily have a good sex life, but I am lost. I know he is not the smartest when it comes to women’s stuff, but where the hell has he been when we have been going to the doctors, that I am now on medication and potentially this isn’t going to work, and that this is the most un-invasive way which we have the opportunity to try and see how it pans out!
I understand there is pressure, but I am so shit scared of further steps if this doesn’t work and I would love nothing more for this process to actually work for us, or to at least give it a red hot go. Help please, anyone else who has been in a similar circumstance, how did you help your partner, I should say each other, get through this?
5 Replies
Never been in this situation, so I might be way off and over simplified.
I wouldn't tell him when I'm fertile and just Initiate sex
Instead of saying "my body is ready for your to pollinate it's egg" not that you're using those words but it's going to be daunting for him if the only time he's getting a bit is when you're telling him you're fertile even if it's not the case he probably sees it like this.
How about making a night of it? Nice dinner/lunch. Sexy lingerie, chocolate, big of foreplay. When my OH and I were going through ivf I know he suffered from anxiety when he needed to spit into the cup and hold off from relieving himself for the 3 days prior. It was pure hell for me too because we have sex everyday even during our red zone. There was no way we could fall pregnant naturally so he never felt any pressure during those performances. Maybe he's worried that there is something wrong with him. That it's him that's the problem etc. make it sound sexy that's my advice. Don't use medical terms and ensure you're still having fun whilst doing this.
I had this happen with my
Hubby. We went through a long hard few years trying for our kids and I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t jumping at the times the drs said were right for us each month.
We had multiple losses which weren’t his fault and I know he was trying but it gets so hard being told when to have sex.
We now have opposite problem in that we don’t want more kids but I have no sex drive after 8yrs of being told when to do it so please be careful of that.
When we talked and I realised that guys see it different, and as desperate as he was to have kids being told by a dr to have sex now just turned him off and made it impossible.
I agree with other poster, don’t tell him when it’s time. Don’t lie but no need to put more pressure on him.
When we were doing chlomid I used to just mention something like oh I’ve started the tablets for month and then leave it at that and say no more and initiate sex on the right days.
When we moved onto IUI and IVF same thing, I would say hey this is happening on this day, he knew he couldn’t ejaculate for 3 days prior and knew when he would need to go in the jar and that was his responsibility.
Me nagging or telling him everything was just making him feel insecure and pressured that it was him failing
This might not be the case with you guys but wanted to share Incase it helps. Have got everything crossed you get your positive soon!!!!
He doesn’t have to be “that” involved. You keep track but also, it’s good you have sex leading up to and after your fertile period so just have LOTS of sex and don’t tell him WHEN the most important sex is happening.
Honestly, TTC is a chore at times and it is hard for both of you to perform. The sex is loveless at times and completely meaningless besides doing it only to create life. It doesn't mean he isn't on board or committed, it's just that the pressure is high and I'm sure he's over all the blows when it isn't the month it happens again (as are you).
Sometimes IUI or IVF are the best option in terms of love and intimacy because there isn't the expectation to perform, for a man it's so much harder in the bedroom because he needs to ejaculate whereas a woman can just lie there.