Unexpected pregnancy when you live on the other side of the country to each other and your not sure you want to be together!

Hi there,

I've never written in before but I am really at a lost and am so confused about my situation and would really appreciate it if this could be posted for me. Sorry it's a long one!

Some back ground info for some context… So I am a single mum to one kindy age kid. I was left pregnant and skipped out on when I was 4 and half months pregnant. Since then bio father has had sporadic and virtually no contact with our child. So fast forward when my little one was 6 months old I met someone… I'll call him Dave. We met through mutual friends back in my home town and we clicked and fell for each other straight away, we did the long distance thing for about 8-9 months(living just over 3 hrs drive away from each other). After that he moved towns to move in with us. At first things were great but 2 years later with the pressures of us working different hours, me also studying full time and us financially really struggling our relationship got very toxic.

Me being a stressed out nagging wreck, him an alcohol dependent arse, a lot but not all of the time. His dysfunction got so bad that I could no longer leave my toddler with him when I went to work… he got better… I acted better… then it would spiral back to us fighting all the time and being seriously dysfunctional (no violence but not a good environment at all). I truly believe it was mostly the immense pressure on us and the stress of our lives that caused the problems. And the fact that we never had that dating fun stage, as it went from long distance to bamm family with little fun… he struggled with his place in the family etc.

So before things got bad we decided to try for a baby and we lost one 6 months after starting to try and nothing for the next 1.5years. This probably added to our strained relationship. Anyway we got to the point where both of us knew we needed some time apart but due to finances we were stuck together. Than 4 months ago the I got a phone call and was offered my dream job on the other side of the country, them saying we want you, what can we do to get you here now (rather than the following year when I inquired about). I took the job I had to, I figured it was a life line and if me and Dave were meant to be together the time apart would be good to help us figure that out. Literally a month later we left, my employer paid for everything and now for the first time in my life I feel like I am doing exactly what I should be doing and am financially in a really good place. Dave could move here there is work for him but he doesn't want to. And he has since moved back to his home town to be near sick family.

I was ready to move on and realise our future was not together. But over Christmas he begged me to come visit he missed me, loved me etc. I saw it as a chance to see if I was truly done and see if with no child around and stress things could be different. I went for 3 nights, we had a great time and didn't fight and it was like we realised why we loved each other and fell for each other in the first place. I left and we both decided cool we will spend the next year apart, see each other when we can and perhaps down the track we will find our lives back together. No pressure, as we are living on the other sides of the country and there are very few chances of seeing each other as it is very very expensive to get where I am.

So I have come back to work and you guessed it… I am pregnant. 5 and ½ weeks atm. Like you can't be f***ing serious… we tried for 2 yrs and it didn't happen and bamm! It's what we sooo wanted but not now. Now every option is very very difficult and not nice.

Option 1 - We/I go through with the pregnancy. I have to stay working till I am 36 weeks to qualify for maternity leave and if I do finically I will be all good. Like completely. But I would have to stay here alone going through the pregnancy as Dave cannot leave where he is for the next 12-18 months (another long story, but he just can't and it's completely justifiable). So when I go on mat leave we could move down to him (my place here could be looked after as is) and then as a family move back up here for me to return to work. Which I have to do, as it sets me up completely for the future and would only have to be here a further 1 year to put in for a transfer and have a permeant position. The problem is Dave is losing his shit, he is financially in the worse position of his life and is very apprehensive about moving up here. Even if he says he would I don't know if I can trust him to when push comes to shove. And I can't go through it all alone again. I just cant. And plus there is no way I could be where I am and have a baby and a 5 year old and work full time. I would have to give up my job and everything I have worked for and the future security for myself and my child that I have worked to hard for.

Option 2 - I don't go through with the pregnancy. The more I think about it the more I know this would be the best decision for my child I already have. As the above decision would be soo difficult and messy and even if Dave does move up here and all is goood, things could quite possibly go back to the dysfunctional mess. I am willing to work on myself but it seems he is not. He could surprise me though. I am pro choice but always have struggled with the idea of going through with it myself. And do not want to have to get an abortion but I know it is the best decision, when I use my brain to think about everything.

I am so lost and confused, Dave is not coping he just doesn't know what to do with anything. Says he feels like the worst piece of sh*t. But generally doesn't man up to emotionally support me or help me with the decision.

Ladies that have gone through an abortion, especially one that was hard to make that decision. How do you cope with that decision. How can you listen to the facts and reality over your heart?

Thankyou so much for reading this far if you have!