Recently I started dating a guy i knew from years ago, about 10 years ago we dated for a year and broke up because we just weren’t heading in the same direction at that point.
We lost contact after a few years.
Fast forward to now, we had only been dating for a short amount of time but it was very intense, all the love I had for him years ago has grown and we both felt it had so much potentia... I was head over heals for this beautiful soul.
Now unfortunately he has passed away, very unexpected and heartbreakingly too soon. Now because things were so new we had very much kept our relationship private, we both have kids and didn’t want to involve them just yet, partly because we just wanted it to be about us for a while and partly to protect the kids while we worked out if we were really serious. My Mum knows about him and some of my friends, but they’d not met him, some of his friends knew he’d started seeing someone but I hadn’t met any of them yet.
Now I feel like a bit of an intruder in the grieving process, no one really knows who I am. I’m heartbroken, if we weren’t together we spoke daily, texting each other all day long from the minute I opened my eyes, till I went to sleep at night and we were both so excited about reconnecting, we shared some absolutely amazing times together and it all felt so right and now it’s gone. I don’t know if I can even go to the funeral because I’ll be a virtual stranger to everyone. His kids will probably remember me from the first time we dated but I’m sure they’ll question why I’m there and why I’m so devastated. I want to go to honour him and to say goodbye but I’m torn, I don’t want to get in the way of his children’s grief, I want that day to be for them, he was a great dad and he loved them dearly. Advise I guess is what I’m after?
Grieving
Grieving
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Loss & Grief
8 Replies
Personally I think it depends on how you feel about funerals.
I personally believe there are ways to grieve without going to a funeral. So if it was me, I’d provably skip it and do something myself. Eg go to a place of significance to the two of you.
But if funerals are important to you then you should absolutely go. There well be lots of people who will be there. A number who the family won’t know. They will be too involved in there own grief to even be aware how upset you are.
Take a support person with you and it will be absolutely fine.
I think there's no harm in going to the funeral. Theres never a reason to 'out-grieve' the children anyway so as long as you respect them it will be fine. I don't see any harm in saying that you were just starting to rekindle your relationship, that the person he was seeing is you, just dont drop any huge bombshells, a funeral isn't the place. Sorry for your loss x
How sad, I'm sorry for your loss Xx
Funerals are tricky, emotions are running high and immediate family can be a bit funny about people who are attending but you were part of his life too. If you feel like you want to go then you have every right to (unless your presence is likely to cause conflict, then I think for his kids sake I wouldn't go).
Just lean on your loved ones for support and take it day by day. Best wishes X
Personally I would need to go for the closure. But if you think you’d be okay without going then don’t. Think about yourself for a second, is it going to help you grieve? Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks because you don’t want to regret not going.
Go. Sit in the back. People don't need to know you were dating again. Just say goodbye in your heart and leave once the service is over. Or just say goodbye in your head tonight and cry. The funeral won't make you stop being sad. Having everyone know won't stop you being sad. Support from your own friends who you can talk to without upsetting and time will slowly heal things. Sorry for your loss though. I can't imagine.
What a gut wrenching story, you do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. I’m so sorry for your loss.
If you want to go, then go.
No one questions why someone else is at a funeral, and believe me they more than likely wont even remember who was there, it will be a blurry sea of faces for them.
Funerals arent like weddings where its 'invite only' anyone and everyone who feels the need to be there can go to say goodbye. I think you would regret not going.
When my 'first love' died, i didnt attend the funeral but i sat outside the church in my car. I just had to have that moment to reflect and have my personal goodbye.
So sorry for your loss.
Can you reach out to the family, prior to the funeral? Let them know how special he was to you and ask if it’s ok that you attend the funeral. Not that you need permission, it’s more a courtesy thing.
I’d still attend, take a support person with you.