After my dad passed away mid last year, my mother asked my children and I to live with her until she got used to it. We all moved into a new house, big enough for my children, my mother and I to live in, and I promised my mother I would live with her until she was ready to live alone.
I’ve recently found someone who I feel a real connection with, but I find my mother is not accepting of this. I think she fears I will leave her and she will be alone. My issue is that my mother can be manipulative and, when she doesn’t get her own way, can be cold and abrasive, making everyone feel uncomfortable. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t want to give up my happiness for her to feel secure, but I feel obligated to just give up on having a partner because she’s still grieving.
I knew when we moved with my mother we would need to make changes, but I didn’t think that I would have to push my wants aside so she can be happy. I can’t leave because I made a promise, and signed a lease.
I feel lost and confused. What am I meant to do? Am I being selfish by wanting to find a way to continue this relationship?
Mother issues
Mother issues
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Loss & Grief
21 Replies
Can he too move in ? That way u can still have a relationship with a man, and she doesn’t feel like you might replace her .
I don’t think she should move in a guy she only at this point has a connection with, with her kids, to appease her mum.
I think your advice would be good further down the track when they have been together a couple of years.
I think the idea is great, just not the timing.
OP here-
We aren’t at that stage yet and won’t be for a long time. I’m hoping that by the time we get to that stage my mother will be on her own.
I don't see what your worrying about here. Go with the flow. I think you need to prepare your mum for her life as it is now. We want to protect them but sometimes we end up doing more damage then good. She is a grown woman, shr needs to do all the things she has been able to do before. When the lease runs out it might be time to take your life back. In the mean time, keep building a relationship with this guy, stay at his place if you begin dating. Just date, it is amazing and builds strong relationships. Have coffee dates, do fun activities together :)
I feel like your mum asking you to completely uproot your life and move in with her so she could cope was an extremely unfair thing to ask of you! I would never put my kids in that position.
I also feel that you promising to live with her til shes 'okay' isn't a feasible long term plan, especially if that promise means you don't get to live your life to the fullest.
I think you need to have a talk with your mum, make a plan.
Your mum needs to find ways to cope on her own, that doesn't mean you can't help her but it's not healthy for her (to manipulate) and rely so heavily on you!
I would make the most of the situation til the lease is up, unassuming your mum won't be able to afford the rent if you move out - leaving now would be kind of a shit thing to do.
I would explain to your mum that you will help her adjust over the next X amount of months, then you'll help her find a small place for herself and then you'll be finding a small place for yourself and the kids (or stay in the current house if you can afford it). In the meantime, nurture this new relationship and don't forget to take time to fill your cup.
If her behaviour starts getting to that uncomfortable place, tell her she's being unfair and unpleasant!
Op here-
Thank you for the helpful advise. I will talk to her about what you have mentioned and get a proper long term plan in place.
Your mother won’t ever be ready to live on her own while she is living with a house full of people. She has manipulated you into being her enabler.
Taking the new man out of the equation, you need to come up with a transition plan.
I’m hoping your mum can afford to pay the rent in the new home on her own. If not, you’ve got a really tough road ahead of you because you are going to have to move her again. Whatever you do DO NOT sign a new lease with her. The next lease is her own.
So you need to sit her down and tell her that at the end of this lease you will be moving into a place of your own. But you will transition slowly. Eg sleep at her house every second night for the first 2 weeks, then sleep at her house every third night for two weeks, then every 4 th night etc.
Unfortunately necessity is the mother of invention and the only way to learn to cope with being on your own, is to actually have time on your own!
Op here -
Thank you for the helpful advice. This plan sounds like it could work. I will have the discussion with her.
Ah no. You're an adult. If you can't have a good relationship while living there then you need to move out.
Op here-
Unfortunately until the lease is up we are stuck.
Maybe she’s doing you a favour? You’ve RECENTLY met someone and you want to move in with them and assume take the kids? You really think that’s a good idea for the kids?
If you read it properly, you'll see there's no mention of the OP wanting to move in with the new romantic interest, she just wants to continue seeing him. It actually reads that her mother isn't accepting of her daughter perusing a relationship at all - probably because that would mean at some point her daughter will want to move out and on with her life.
The OPs mother seems to be holding her back, not looking out for her!
commenting not as OP when you actually are. Whose manipulative? Did you come here for advice or to have us all tell you how terrible your mum is and pander to you? Far out. Harden the fk up, don’t like her behaviour move out, want to continue to see someone whilst living there then do so.
Dude, chill. This isn't my damn post, I just know how to comprehend what I'm reading. Nowhere in this post did it say anything about moving in with the new boyfriend, that was an assumption you made!?
Far out...
Did you come here to offer constructive advice or just to be presumptuous and rude?
Op here -
Firstly, there is no need to be rude. That was another commenter.
Secondly, I am sorry if I was not clear. We aren’t even speaking about living together, let alone planning on doing it.
It’s actually the perfect time to start a relationship because you can see the new guy,mum can be with kids and you can see how things go without involving the kids.
You just need to tell her that this is a one year lease, a temporary thing and she needs to understand that you need to live your life as well. Take advantage of the fact you live together at this time.
Take the new relationship very slowly, if it causes too much angst, maybe tell her you’re visiting a girlfriend. New guy shouldn’t be coming to your home with the kids for a long time anyway.
As a side note, mums usually have our best interests at heart and we are only hearingyoyr side......Does she have legitimate concerns about this particular guy? Does she worry dueto your history of bad relationships? Have you heard her out on her concerns?
Not always. OP sounds bound by a duty to care and emotional manipulation. If she's concerned and its healthy then she will be honest in her opinions but also step back and not interfere.
Op here -
Thank you for your reply. There is no need for her to be concerned about him. She would have directly said something to me if she was concerned about anything.
Thank you for the idea about the seeing a friend, I think I may need to go back to using that.
I think you need to make plans to go your separate ways when the lease runs out. It's not really healthy being there with your Mum, she will never learn to cope on her own if she doesn't do it now. You and your kids have your own lives and you can't just put it all on hold to suit your mum. You can be support her and visit her while living separately.
Op here -
Thank you. I think this will be the plan now. You’re right, it isn’t healthy for any of us.
I completely get your situation! My Dad passed away and my mum has been nothing but rude, mean and selfish. One of the “highlights” is 3 years after he passed I was pregnant with my first child. She wasn’t excited at all and didn’t tell anyone the what I thought was exciting news. I had a hard pregnancy not just dealing with being pregnant but having a child without my dad around she decided to show up to my house explaining she was jealous of me getting all the attention (which I hated all the fuss) and no one gave her any because of Dad passing and she like all the attention. I’ll never will forgive her for that and many other things she did and said. Grieving is difficult but making others suffer is bullshit! it is wrong and selfish. I wish you all the best and sorry for the loss of your Dad xx