This is hard to articulate, possibly because I have been guilty of this in the past but please people just stop asking if someone is going to have any/anymore kids.
At the butt end of 2 years of trying and a miscarriage with time ticking away and the biological clock winding down when you find yourself in fertility talks with experts and fighting back the irrational hate that comes with every person you see who seems to have it easy it’s not an easy question to answer.
Because no I probably won’t have anymore children and I can give you several polite reasons why or make a it’s joke but only because we both know that this social situation is not the right place to be opening up about struggling with fertility, the feelings of failure and the depression and stress that comes with it. Deep down I don’t even think you want to know that.
And somehow no matter how true the polite brush off of no is - it will always feel like a lie.
Worse still is when you question their reasons for saying no - like you too can sense that there is a lie in there somewhere.
So let’s do everyone a favour and lets all just stop asking, if someone wants to open up about their fertility journey to you they will otherwise it isn’t anyone’s business. What seems like a polite enquiry could actually be dragging up memories and pains that the person is trying to forget about for now.
12 Replies
I'm very sorry you've had challenges and loss. Sadly, people are never going to stop showing an interest in your life. Maybe start being honest. "We'd love to but the stars haven't aligned so far. Hopefully it works out but we can't control everything". I would recommend a psychologist for support though. You've had grief and you need to not let it interfere in your ability to be happy for other people.
Like miscarriage I think fertility issues need to be spoken about more widely so people don’t feel the need to hide their grief. Personally I’ve said things like “my body just cannot handle another pregnancy” and when I struggled to have children “we would love to but it’s not happening for us yet”. Some days I’d be willing to go into it further and somedays I’d just be honest and say “I find it hard to talk about without getting upset, so let’s not”.
I've never struggled with fertility issues, so I can't even begin to imagine the turmoil you've been through. I truly hope everything gets easier for you.
I do agree with you though. Regardless of circumstances it's a personal question. Some people don't mind answering with unfaltering honesty but I personally (and a lot of other people too) find it quite invasive and I always feel quite uncomfortable or put on the spot when people ask me this. I mean, you wouldn't ask someone "So, how's your sex life?". You wouldn't ask "Are your reproductive organs functional?". So just don't ask about their plans to conceive.
I don't buy this whole "people are interested in your life" idea either - no, people are nosey!
If you want to take an interest in someone's life, ask them about their job/career, ask them about their pets, new house, what they've been up to, good movies they've seen, any good restaurants they've been to, their holidays and so on and so on..
By all means ask and take an interest if a person brings up their family plans but not before.
Well said!
But that is what they're asking. They're asking whether you're building a bigger family. Very similar to getting more pets except less like discussing the weather. Sorry but it's not asking out their sex life etc. And you can easily say the fates aren't aligning without going into specifics too.
You can "but" me all you like, you're not going change the way I feel about it.
I do not like being asked this question. Period. It's especially frustrating when the majority of the time it's asked by a person who doesn't give a shit about any other aspect of your life such as the examples I gave above. It's like you get to a point in life where your ability/decision to become pregnant is the only fascinating or relevant thing about you. I don't struggle with infertility and I find it really tiresome and kind of like people see my whole value as a person is wrapped directly up with my family plans. So it's not hard to imagine how painful that question is to someone who desperately wants a child but for whatever reason, it's not happening.
It's one question that invokes so much emotion, I just don't understand why people need to ask it. Talking about one's pets is no way near the same thing as asking if they're trying to have a/more babies, I can't believe you think it is.
At the end of the day, most of us are aware this can be a sensitive topic so we just need to think about whether it's necessary to ask about it before we go and put someone in a painful or uncomfortable position.
Really simple...
I used to get this , but in reverse. 'Omg are you having ANOTHER one.' Took all my willpower not to punch them in the face . I'd be stared at constantly by strangers for having so many, and those I knew questioned my sanity to my face for having so many.
Funny thing is, if I adopted them or was fostering them, no one would utter anything but words of support and encouragement. They are adults now but Looking back it still makes me angry.
Or I can say well after two years one miscarriage resulting in d&c, several visits to fertility specialists, and multiple invasive tests involving transvaginal ultrasounds and catheters and the fact I’m soon pushing 40 the answer is probebly not.
Would that answer be ok cause that’s the truth. Is that what they want to hear cause that is what they are asking and I am sure sick and tired of answering the “cute” and “non commital” way that has been suggested. Been doing that for almost 4 years now and the question keeps being asked. Even tried the no other child is older now and it sparks a debate.
People don’t want to hear the truth. The truth is uncomfortable and harsh. But the question is uncomfortable and in many ways painful to me - so why should I and why am I concerned about the other persons discomfort?
I was at a school function years ago, standing near a group of mums I didn't know well.
One mum mentioned her (only) child would be bored in the school holidays. Another mum then said "why don't you have another baby so she's got a playmate?"
Blind Freddy could see that this topic made the first mum uncomfortable, her whole demeanour changed but she gave a polite, "oh, I don't know" answer.
But, then the interrogation started -
"Oh go on, have another one".
"You guys can afford it".
"Don't you want your grandkids to have aunts/uncle's cousins?".
"It's not fair to just have one".
This went on for a few minutes until the first mum finally blurted out that it took 10 years of fertility treatment and nearly dying to get the one child she did have before she walked off, visibly agitated.
The other mums stood there like stunned mullets for a few seconds until one of them muttered "Well, she should've said something". They all agreed and deduced that they did nothing wrong.
My point is, so many people seem to believe the onus is on the person being questioned and it's simply not the case. No one should be put in a position where they're forced into choosing to either discuss their fertility struggles or find a way to answer that question in a way that doesn't leave them needing to divulge things that are painful.
Quite frankly, I feel like if you have to actually ask, that's a pretty good indication that you shouldn't be asking. If the questionee wanted you to know, you'd already know.
'Well she should have said something' was what those bitches said? Were they deaf?
Coz she DID say something.
This was going back 10 odd years so the memory isn't quite so fresh anymore lol but what they said was certainly to that effect. I don't think they intentionally wanted to hurt this other mum, I just think it was easier for them to put it back on her rather than acknowledging that they accidentally fucked up!
I think that's kind of what the OP is getting at too. People (in general) aren't satisfied with a vague answer so they keep pressing the issue. I also think people forget to pay attention, people's spoken words often don't align with their emotions.
It's kind of like when someone tells you they're fine but their body language, expressions or general vibe tells you they're actually far from fine.
A lot of people clearly suck at reading those subtle signs!
I absolutely feel for those in the situation, I have had a miscarriage,and did wait 3 years trying prior to my children.
People wont stop insulting, my 2 are very close in age, people would ask me how I would cope. (just random lady standing at the lights waiting to cross,other new mums in common baby things)
The thing that really hurts is both my sister inlaws are having trouble conceiving and they both hate me on sight, because life isn't fair.
Its not fair, I know this...but the rudeness I have copped because my stars aligned is heart breaking.
I couldn't visit my family xmas day because it would upset them.
I spent xmas day with my kids and hubby so I did not upset them.
5 years I have not been at my mums house at xmas day, because it upsets them.
My mum face timed me on xmas day everyone is there, we miss out, they could not even say merry xmas because seeing my kids upsets them.
My brothers both want to see mum xmas day, they both live close (I do not live close) they have every right to see mum, and because I do not want to cope their its not fair all day I stay away.