Hi,
I am not sure how I meant to react about the communication between my partner and his ex wife.
My partner and I have been together for three years, we met a few months after him and his wife split up. They have two children together.
His ex left him for someone that they both knew and they have since become engaged and had a baby together.
When the ex found out my partner had moved on with me she went crazy, calling him, abusing him, trying to find out anything about me that she could and tried to use it against me.
For the first two years the only communication between my partner and his ex was about the kids, now though she is calling everyday, wanting to talk about their personal lives, telling him how proud she is of him.
He tells me that she no longer says anything about me, I have told my partner it stills makes me uncomfortable and he has told me I’m petty and he can have a relationship with his ex if he chooses to.
Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with the situation?
25 Replies
It is odd that she’s calling to say she’s proud of him and talking about their personal life (whatever that means 🤷🏻♀️) I assume past life together? So I get your reasons for feeling uncomfortable.
Is she still with the new guy? Or have they broken up and you’re just not aware of that yet?
I’d be wary either way, but while ever you’re parter is still communicating the conversations with you that he’s having I wouldn’t read to much into her calling and chatting about stuff as long as it’s not taking time away from you and your relationship. Tell him to see if she wants a coffee date with you? Maybe let the bullshit to rest and be friends? Your discretion of course.
I’m super good friends with my ex and chat to him usually start talking about the kids and then life in general it’s like talking to an old friend. I’m not romantically attracted to him (eww been there done that) but he’s a friend now and we’re cool. I’m super good mates with my partners exes (that he has kids too) which kinda makes me odd to most people. Gotten drunk and had a ball hanging out with both the baby mummas more than once 😂😂
In short, you’re within your rights to feel how you feel but maybe dig deeper and ask yourself why you feel that way?
I remember you posting in for advice about your situation recently.
About my FIL making the comment about starting the ex wife’s club? 😂😂 yeah that was me
Yes Lol .
No matter what happens in this situation you will never be right. Cut your loses and move on. It exhausting and humiliating coming second to an ex
Yes he can have a relationship with her If he wants to. He can make it daily if basis he wants to. You dont have to stay though if you dont like that. I wouldnt. It's too much in my opinion and it's changed that's another factor and we are allowed to set our boundaries. You're not asking him to hate her or cut her off.
Few months after they split up?
You’re the rebound trying to make it permanent.
He’s never processed his divorce, you’re like a pair of crutches and when his legs are better he will throw you away.
Never be with a newly separated guy, they’re just looking for a replacement, fill in.
Wouldn’t call her a rebound if they have been together 3+ years. A lot of people are emotionally done with a relationship before it officially ends
He’s back talking to his ex, clearly there is unfinished business and he is still emotionally attached.
I’m guessing having a life and children together there would always be some kind of attachment.
This isn’t a healthy one though, having an ex husband, I know this isn’t how people who have healthily moved on act.
He didn’t take the time out, now his issues are coming to the surface.
A rebound can last three years, longer, depends how long the person is in denial.
It’s takes longer to recover when infidelity is involved.
When a man is left for another man, he is usually is blindsided and hasn’t checked out emotionally for years, it’s usually a high charge, brutal break up.
There’s clearly unfinished business here and op has been a place card.
You can disagree all you want, but the proof is in the pudding.
His behaviour is showing where he is at and who is his priority and it isn’t the op.
Wow this was my partners ex too, she had an affair and then cracked it like a two year old when my partner moved on with me. Like how dare he not just wait around for her to decide if she wants to be with the new fling for more than 6 months 🤣.
I don't think it's wrong at all to feel uncomfortable about that. If it were anyone else that was doing this it would be odd, so I'm not sure why we need to just let it go because it's an ex. Yes they have kids together but their personal relationship is over and should be treated as such.
I wouldn’t be choosing to stay in this situation. If they have that much to discuss they are still emotionally tied.
If your partner was being respectful he wouldn’t be engaging in these conversations.
I'm torn. My mates that were cheated on by their wives took years to not be in love with their wife. That said, I'm mates with most of my exes and my husband of 10 years doesn't care. We can go a yr without contact or have daily contact depending on what is happening. Hubby doesn't care because he knows I'm all his. I'd absolutely tell an ex I was proud of him if I was. It wouldn't be ongoing 'in love' feelings. Do you trust your partner or are you worried he still loves his ex? Your answer to that question should answer whether you need to worry or let it go.
Edited to add my exes get invited to bbqs and parties at our house too. They even came to our wedding.
I think exes at weddings is going too far, but each to their own
They're mates. Be a bit rude to invite all of our friends except the ones we dated in the past. Hubby and I went to school together. We're both friends with our own exes and each other's exes. We even go on family holidays with them. What's in the past is literally in the past.
I think you have a different definition of ex and your situation is different.
I assume you didn’t marry or have kids to any of these exes?
Nope. But we were in love with them when we were together so I see no difference in trusting that the love isn't romantic anymore. I know other people that are the same with their exes that they were married to and do have kids with. And as I said, I know others that really don't move on even after they've 'moved on'.
I'm just saying the OP should step back and consider whether she has a reason to be concerned. If her partner still gets emotional about the breakup, whether that be sad or angry, she might have a problem. But if they really are just 2 people with a real connection that they both realise is happier and healthier as friends, not partners, she should trust him.
It’s a huge difference! Gosh, in our young friendship group, most people had been with people in it at some time or another. Then we all found the one, got married, had kids. The only way ex wife’s/kids can all be friends is if both have truly processed the break up and mostly just time and distance. Then they can come together and be friends. It’s why you can’t be friends straight after a break up.
Like the lady in the first post, they’ve all remarried, there’s been time, everyone has moved forward in a healthy way. This is the opposite of that. This guy most probably had his heart ripped out by his wife and a friend, ignored the heart ache, used another person as a distraction and the first sign of interest his ex has showed to him, he wants reenagage with her on a daily basis. This situation does not compare to yours at all. He’s at day 1 of the break up because he’s been busy distracting himself with the OP. This is why you have to take time, I hope OP learns from this situation.
Have you ever been divorced, been through a break up with the father of your kids?
It’s a completely different ball game.
You stories are just giving the OP an excuse to stay and put up with this.
You’re comparing apples with oranges.
Different commenter. My parents are still best friends and hang out with each other and went to each other's 2nd wedding. It's a fair comment to suggest that the OP think about whether she needs to be worried about her partner's commitment to her or not.
It could be a reason to be concerned..... or she could be genuinely trying to have a good relationship with her ex for the kids sake. She may realise that you’re not going anywhere and she needs to make an effort.
They’re always going to have a bond, they have kids together. Coming from a messy divorced home, I would have killed for my parents to be amicable, let alone get along..... thy is the dream
Ahhhh red flags! Maybe she’s having issues with the guy she left him for and just maybe she is putting her feelers out and he knows it. I’m sure she is still bagging you and he is covering. Go with your gut on this!! do not trust him.There is no reason for him to answer her questions. They are up to something.
Wow I say call their bluff and tell him to have her over so you can get to know her. See if he will do that. I wouldn’t trust him. Go with your gut! she shouldn’t be calling him so much but mostly he should be putting a stop to any personal conversations that don’t involve his kids. I would defiantly be digging deep for more info! you have told him how you feel and he still continues to disrespect you and your feelings? Any normal man would cut it if it was making their partner uncomfortable. they don’t need to talk everyday. They only need to communicate about the kids.