Hi lovelies
I’m sure this has been asked before but how does one let go of their wants, desires and beliefs because their partner doesn’t want the same things?
Little back story…. Now divorced been with partner for a few years both of us have kids from previous marriage, really happy moving forward with our lives together, he slept with his ex early on in our relationship (I forgave I think but never forgot) we moved forward and started rebuilding our lives together which has been great… so I thought.
I have this longing feeling of wanting another baby and have for as long as I can remember to which he says he wants but only if circumstances were different he says he’s too old (37) and doesn’t want to start over again but then also says that he wants that with me but is not willing to actually have a baby…
I would never make/force someone do something they don’t want but how do I navigate this subject because I don’t want to give up on my wants and believe that he shouldn’t have to either but how do I stop the hurt and the feeling of resentment towards him which I understand is unfair but I really can’t help feeling this way… I love him and want to be with him but I don’t know how to make this better for the both of us….
Thank you
8 Replies
You're asking how to navigate this situation because you don't want to give up on what you want - I think what you're actually saying is "how do I make him agree to having a baby?"
You don't.
When it comes to babies, a no overrides a yes. Unfortuntely your options are either stay with him and don't have a baby, or move on & finds someone who does want one.
And if really do desperately want a baby, and you stay with him, you probably will always resent him for it.
You already resent him for sleeping with his ex (because you've dropped it in there, even though it has no bearing on your actual question), so you obviously haven't forgiven him. And that's ok, you might never forgive him, you've chosen to move forward with him anyway.
There's just no compromise in this situation. There's no middle ground. You have to make a choice.
The fact that the past indiscretions were commented on shows that she has in fact forgiven him and moved past it because she is still with him and obviously loves and cares for him enough to do so. Maybe the poster is asking for others guidance and experiences because I’m sure many have gone through this before and can offer advice based on their experiences which could assist with what steps she could take to help her move past this and heal from it.
This post does not read manipulative, to me the post reads as her asking and needing guidance on how to navigate a difficult situation for both her and her partner who she clearly loves.
Right 🙄
Change the subject to anything else and it still reads the same- how do I navigate the conversation to get what I want
A no always outways a yes! If it’s not a hell yes, than it’s not something you should want with him anyway. You need to make a choice as to whether or not you can move past being done having children. If it’s something you have to have than I’d suggest you let old mate go. And the fact you threw in - past indiscretions against him , when it had nothing to do with the question suggests you wanted positive responses aimed towards you- like positive reinforcement for a toddler, very manipulative if you ask me. You shouldn’t be asking us how to navigate or manipulate someone to get what you want! Isn’t it enough that he wants you?
It's a choice to not resent someone, you're choosing not to let it go because you haven't accepted his answer..
I honestly don't understand this need to mess things up when you already have kids, have found a great guy you love and it sounds like life is good.
I would give anything to have what you have, why don't you just appreciate/enjoy it?
Look at the positives in your life.
Appreciate that you have a guy that doesn't just have kids with every woman he's with and considers it a long term commitment and has chosen not to have anymore.
You make a decision to grieve not having a baby in respectful way and you make a decision that your partner doesn’t deserve to be resented for his feelings.
You acknowledge that bring a baby into the kid is not a good idea for your family, have a cry and move forward.
Many of us wanted more children. We didn’t have more because it was a bad idea. I did cry and it did hurt, it was still the right decision. It was a decision not to resent anyone. I needed to learn to see and understand both points of view and see the other view was valid, not saying my desire wasnt, but I don’t want to raise a child that wasn’t 100% wanted, I would t want to raise a child I was pressured into having.
If you don’t think you can do that then you only have 2 options. Counselling to see if you can get over it, or separation.
He has showed his committed with what he did with his ex when you first got together. I would have left his ass there and then. 37 isn’t that old. It would be now or never. Either stay if you don’t want a baby or if you really do then tell him you want to end it because you really want another baby.