Hi there, my query is a bit strange (to me anyway) and long so please bare with me. I'm an imperfect dad and need some advice.
Me and my ex have 2 beautiful children together. Since before they were born she has always known that I would absolutely love our kids to have my last name as I am the only one in my family now to carry our name on. My family has history, good and bad, and i just hope that my ex didnt decide against it because of certain things to do with our family history. I didnt even get asked if I would like them to have my name, we have had a bumpy relationship, but I thought she would understand. Is there anyway that my sons are able to have my last name as theirs? Or is that to much to ask? And one more thing, i want to be paying CS to her for them, but she is saying she doesn't want me to, to me it seems like she doesn't want them to have anything to do with me. And it hurts. Just needing some friendly advice please. I really don't no what I should do.... Thanks
5 Replies
So sorry your going through this. It sounds like your trying to do the right things and she isn't accepting of that.It also sounds like things were really messy around the time of the children being born. I would personally be suspicious of her future plans too. I'm an imperfect mum who got left holding the baby so to speak and get frustrated when I hear of someone locking the dad out of the children's lives.
Firstly I would get some legal advice in your situation. There are free over the phone services that can give general legal info that you will could find useful. Contact child support agency and get them to work out how much you should pay etc. You can organise to have payments made directly to the agency from your employer (they take it out monthly) and will pay it directly to her. If you haven't taken her to mediation get a formal parenting plan/ care arrangements sorted out do that too. You want to get things in writing and make everything formal so if she does try to alienate you, you have evidence of doing the right thing and can take it further.
I don't really think you have a leg to stand on regarding the last name, it is just a name and don't get too hung up on it. Basically who ever filled out the birth certificate can put down whatever they want (I assume you signed the birth certificate). If you didnt your probably not even listed as the father and you will need to get legal advice on how to acknowledge paternity (but it wont change the last name of the children). In my case because the father refused to be on the birth certificate I had to get him to sign a Paternity Acknowledgement form (with some help from the court system). My advice let the name go (this is the modern age) they are still your kids whatever the name and I would be far more concerned with getting formal care arrangements set up so you can see your kids on a regular basis.
I am the one who posted this query. I am suspicious of her plans aswell, but don't want to dig to much as it could cause more drama. I have always wanted to be a father, especially with her as my children's mother, no matter the history we have, good and bad. But when our first was born I didn't even get a phone call, message, nothing. I found out from others, and didn't even get asked if I would like to sign the birth cert, let alone see him in hospital afterwards.... Yes we had a rocky relationship, but in my opinion, pride and hate should have been put aside and I should have A) been told about his birth, and been able to see him, and B) been given a call and asked about signing his birth cert. not a lot to ask, and she knew I would say yes. The same happened with our second son to. I didn't get a call or a message, I found out from others. Which made me feel wonderful....
And CS, no matter how much they say I should pay am I able to elect for more to be taken out? As I don't believe that what they ask is enough or even worth it. But that's just me. Thank you for your response though, I now have some things to enquire about :-)
Of course you could opt to pay more but I'd wait until you know how much it is calculated as. Depending on your income you might be surprised. You want to be supporting your kids not maintaining some kind of high life (and you may need that money to pay lawyers later on). I can't help wondering why you went for a 2nd child given your experience with the first pregnancy. It all sounds very strange.
It's so nice to hear of a dad willing to step up to the plate even tho the relationship is finished. In regards to your surname / birth certificate when my husband was born his bio father (sperm donor) refused to sign the birth certificate so hubby has no father on his birth certificate. After hubby was born their where two other children born to the same parents because hubby the eldest already had his mums maiden name as surname the other children automatically got the same surname even tho he signed the second and third child's birth certificate. So if your not on the first child's certificate and the surname has been given as mother maiden name then chances are no matter if u sign second cert name will still be the same as the eldest child providing the paternity is the same.
Just put it in an account for them, soon enough she will want something when school or daycare fees get to much especially if she is on centerlink. Do you see your children? If you don't mediation would be your first stop. Maybe she just would prefer your time over money for the children, I would much prefer my children's father to spend time not money with them.