Just recently I found myself slipping back into depression, depression comes in the form of being ‘pushed down’ and a dark cloud comes over. It’s like it just appears out of t he blue.
It’s very hard to see clearly and to lift the feeling of sadness. It can be very lonely and it feels like you are ‘in a corner’ by yourself, it’s a very dark and awful place to be.
I think the important thing to remember when you are in that “dark place” is one thing you know for sure is that it will end, the feeling will eventually go away.
I think the the scariest part is that you feel so down it’s really hard to see yourself getting out. The best way for me to explain would be a visual picture, It’s like your down a hole and it’s dark and there is no way to climb out.
Sometimes that feeling is suffocating.
As soon as the I feel myself being dragged down the ‘hole’ I try to look objectively at the situation and utilise some tools that help me i.e Meditation, Acts of Self Care Self Love etc.
As most of you know I was taking Anti-depressants for over 12 months. So I have nothing against them, I think they were something that helped me during that time of my life.
However, I will do anything in my power not to go back on them again. I would rather fix the root of the problem rather than apply “a bandaid fix” That’s how I see it for me personally. I know a lot of people out there need antidepressants to just survive. So I don’t want to discount that.
I am on a mission to work out what my triggers are. I am consuming books, I am researching, anything to help work out why I end up in that dark hole.
I want to raise awareness and understanding, by talking about my story I hope that by sharing my story empower other to seek help. If you think you may be suffering from this illness check out Beyondblue.
Do you suffer from depression? What does it look like to you? Do you have tools that help you fight it?
16 Replies
Fantastic Post. Thank you for getting it out there. I too suffer from this awful illness.
It's so important to get it out there, So many people suffer :( XX
I have always felt so ashamed of my illness, thanks for bringing to light.
Oh, please don't be, You are not alone. XXX
Have you tried the MoodGym, Kristy? My GP showed this to me when I was in a particularly bad place and wow. It was really really good.
I would love to find the root of my waves of depression,but I have too much going on right now in my life and will do for a few years. I look forward to seeing how you tackle this horrible illness, and hopefully I can use some of the tools you use for myself in the near future. At the moment, I'm greatful for my special little blue pill.
Yes darlin, listen to your internal voice. You know what you need. I hope that one day we can tackle this. xx
I have a history of depression as well Kristy and I think that the more we talk about it and just put it out there, the more it helps people who are still stuck in the shadows of shame.
My first and worst episode was as a teen. It took me two years to get through it and that experience has actually become a soothing touchstone for me. I always remind myself that if my depression comes back (as it has several times) that - I can and will get through it - as I've done it before.
I am in a place now where I think I have finally beaten it for good - maybe that is being overly optimistic ....time will tell!
Holding your hand and here for you. For realz xx
Thanks Kirri, yes I agree that shadow of shame should not exist. I believe the more people that talk about it will help shine a brighet talking about it will help us all.
Actually, I believe you may have. And good on you for that.
Love ya sister. For realz xx
The best thing about having depression in this day and age is the fact that it is so talked about and out in the open.....makes some days easier. Good luck with your journey, and everybody else suffering this horrid, horrid illness.
I can very much relate to this Kristy. I've felt this way and have also had family members go through it. When It was happening to me, I was in a total state of denial, possibly caused by that feeling of shame. Now I feel the only way to change this is to, like you, speak openly about it and treat it like any other form of illness. The upside is it's made caring for myself a much higher priority in my life, which is changing the way I see myself and hopefully how my kids see me. Much love xx
Well Said Belinda. That is what I actively do know as-well. I have raised my selfcare rituals to the top of my "to do" list rather than at the bottom. I think the more we talk about this illness the more people will realise that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Thanks for sharing and much love to you today! XX
I Have suffered with Depression since the age of 10.
at 9 years old i was told by my mum that my natural father walked out on her when she found out she was pregnant at 16,my life was pretty normal until then,once my step father was told that i "knew".......my whole world would be changed forever!!.
within days of being told.....things began to change for me very quickly,i began to notice that i was being treated very differently from my two other siblings,such as being picked on for little to no reason at all,it very quickly escalated to verbal abuse followed very closely by physical abuse on a regular basis. I remember being in bed one morning with a bucket beside me....had been throwing up all night due to a tummy bug,when my father came in and told me to get up and go feed the chooks ,telling him i didnt feel well was to be the biggest mistake as he literally grabbed be by my hair and dragged me out of bed and threw me into the back yard!! following close behind was two days worth of scraps meant for the chooks which i was then forced to eat for not doing as i was told when i was told!! that was to be the first of many Bad days for me.....i was constantly abused with many items on a daily basis,such as "his fist,a length of timber,the jug cord,the phone cord(which he used to try and strangle me with),his shoes which he threw at my head,he threw lit matches onto my bed and told me if i moved he would make sure i burned in hell,at one point he pointed a loaded shotgun at my head and said "the world is probably better off without a piece of shit like you in it".
When i turned 13...it got worse!! any male attention that came my way was quickly met with "you don't want this ugly bitch!! she is worthless!! i was told every morning as a ritual that i was so ugly....that no man in his right mind would ever want to be with me let alone want to F**K me!! and yes those were his exact words!! over the years there was more of the same and worse!! and after all these years....a failed marriage......insecurity issues,trust issues,a second marriage and 4 kids between the two....i still can't get past it all no matter what medication i take or how many cousellors i speak with!! so for me....Depression is like an incurable deadly disease!!
Ohhh Sam - I'm finding it very difficult to fight back the tears right now. I am so sorry! What an amazing woman you are, you have lived through a nightmare and come out the other side. You have broken the abuse cycle. - Seriously Inspirational! X
im still here and still trying and that's the main thing!! but it does still affect my everyday life!! i still find it hard to make friends because i don't know how to.....i can't accept a compliment from a man because i don't believe i deserve it!! when My father passed away 4 years ago from Pancreatic cancer....i thought i could finally break free of his hold!! but the scars and the hurt are all still there....but the one thing i refuse to do...is "give up"!! and i make sure everyday that i tell my kids that they are my biggest achievement in life and that no matter what....i love them with all my heart!!
I got really emotional reading this Sam. My heart breaks for the little girl who went through all that, and for the brave woman still trying to deal with it. Keep on with the counselling, you will get there xxxx Sending you my love and strength