When You Start Doubting Your Love

I met my now ex husband when I was just 16. He was genuine, kind, funny & sweet & I remember thinking back then I’m going to marry this guy! He was the first male in my life I could count on.

We were together for 14years which was for half my life. We had our ups & downs & we weren’t always heading in the same direction but we had common goals, understood each other & he was the person that knew me better than anyone. He could tell just at the sound of my voice if something was bothering me & was always there for me.

Things weren’t always smooth throughout the years we grew together & at times grew apart & at times wanted different things or didn’t agree in things in general. As with all couples we had moments of hurt, anger, pain & sadness as well as happiness & memories.

He was hard working, he never ever stopped even though at times I wished he would. He took on extra jobs & was always working, he’d come home exhausted & crash on the couch. I was lonely, I started getting angry because we never had “us” time. He was trying to build a future for us, get the things we wanted but there was no nice & fun times.

He got ill at first they thought it was a tumor thankfully it wasn’t but he had severe vertigo & a condition that had no cure. He’d be laid up for days so sick & dizzy & he got depressed & then started saying things like “just leave, go be with someone else. Someone who’s not sick all the time”. He said this on our wedding anniversary I was devastated. He only said it cause he wanted to see me happy & because he was down about this condition, I didn’t see that then….

His parents had never liked me, they often wouldn’t visit if I was home or excluded or ignored me. They let others know how they didn’t approve & I always had the feeling I wasn’t good enough & they had made that clear. I wanted him to stand up to them, I guess looking back I expected him to somehow change what they felt. It gnawed away at me & I began to resent my husband which was wrong.

We built our dream home & it was so beautiful but every break was work & more work. He wanted to make it perfect & have it how I wanted, I wanted us to enjoy life. We just focused too much on other things & not us. I yearned for romance, a nice weekend away time to ourselves.

I started making the fatal mistake of comparing us to other couples, I started questioning our love. We seemed more like friends than lovers & I thought that meant our marriage was doomed when now I see all couples that are together many years go through these phases.

I listened to advice from others who too made me think perhaps things weren’t ok with us, I let their opinions in. This can be good or bad at times cause they see one portion of your love story not the years & memories you’ve shared.

I started focusing on all the things we didn’t have rather than looking for all the positives. I created such an ideal in my mind of “how it should be” that I ignored these things.

I ended my marriage. I started a new relationship with someone else. We went to dinners, movies, the beach etc but it wasn’t the same sure it was exciting at first but something was missing. I missed my best friend, the man I could count on, the one who stuck by me through the years. That takes years to build!

One of my friends quickly snavelled up my ex husband soon after we split. She saw a good catch & he’s now successful & happy which he truly deserves.

He didn’t deserve the hurt I put him through. Things were never the same for me, I felt I’d lost the best thing that happened to me. I know everyone says it happens for a reason etc but that doesn’t make it feel any better.

We still talk, I still in a way turn to him for advice but it’s not the same. Part of me will always love him but I have to let that go & leave him be happy as he deserves.

Before you question your love, think if the little things over the years, the memories you shared as that is what you will be left with & sometimes that hurts.

Once you let something go, chances are you’ll never get it back.