Why do people stay in domestic violent relationships?

Love this blog, hits everything right on the head. I was in a DV relationship with 5 children all still at school and it took many plans and attempts before it 'stuck'. Even then it continued as he would visit the children and still emotionally and mentally abuse us all. Protection Order in place was the lightbulb moment for him that it was over and he had to change. But everybody's story is different so every solution will be different, either way the change needs to come from the victim deciding 'this is it' not others saying 'just leave'. Thanks Leigh :)

Yes I too was in a DV relationship and it was so hard having to go through that and not having anyone understand why I was still there or go back if we did have a short break. I cannot explain it myself but yes 'I' had to be brave enough and ready when the time came to actually follow through on what I had been wanting for so long - it cannot be decided by anyone else. It took me years and even now I need to grab my courage to deal with him as we have children together. It is a very hard thing to explain to anyone who hasn't been through it. People just really need to be there and support the person not try to make their mind up for them - we know you are only trying to help but sometimes it makes it worse when you criticise and 'don't understand'. We don't understand either but we are battered and bruised both physically and mentally and until such a time that we find our inner strength to pull us out of the situation then just stand by us and be there to laugh with us at the end when we can find the laughter in our hearts again :))

My own personal experience. To report domestic violence or try to flee from it sometimes is not as easy as it seems. If you call the police usually they do not do much but separate the 2, sometimes somebody will go to jail for the night...get a slap on the wrist and be back out in no time, even more resentful/revengeful then they were to start off with...If you have no family and friends whom you can go to, its hard...especially if you have kids, and the home is in his name. To pick up and leave seems overwhelming, with no job, no car, no way...so you stick it out, hoping things will get better. Sometimes women can be threatened, that if you ever leave...they will find you, and your yours or no-ones. They threaten your family, your life, sometimes even threaten the children. So out of fear of leaving, making angry...trying to get away, strikes fear of getting people outside of the relationship hurt, or even killed. So its believe that to stick it out and sacrifice yourself, you are saving the rest of those who you love...FEAR.
My spirit never broke, I was like a mustang trying to be tamed, never did I stop speaking my mind. But that was my spirit, I myself felt like I could not leave. I KNEW that if I did, something would happen. Finally I had friends get me out. I moved in with them, my daughter stayed with my parents for awhile. --- He made good on his threats. I ended up being VERY lucky in my situation.
I say, at the VERY FIRST SIGN of control (cloths/freedom/friends/job/jealousy/anger/physical-emotional-spiritual abuse) To be on guard. Sometimes people mess up and try and control, BUT if you address it and let them know you cannot be CONTROLLED, and they are wanting to make everything work, they WILL listen, and apologize...and CHANGE their ways. The problem is...if they repeat it, over and over...and then try and gain more control.
I look back at my situation, who I am now I could NEVER imagine staying with somebody/in a relationship like that. But at the time...I knew no better, I really didn't. I knew it wasn't right, but I "loved him" Always in hope he would change, and realize how much I loved him...and start to love me in return, especially if I could SHOW HIM how hurt I was by crying, and asking, and showing him how bad I felt. But when I did this, he would only get angry. It started with a dink on the head, then a pin to the ground, then an elbow in the shoulder real hard, then keys to the skin, punches, kicks, slams...
---I stayed because I lost my self-esteem. I lost my desire, my drive, my fire, my enjoyment, my spark...I would sit at home and cry and try and think of what I should do. How he will react, what he is doing, how to change him, how bad I felt, how lonely I was, how heart-broken I felt...completely and utterly lost in confusion. Lost in yesterday, fearful of tomorrow...throwing my present out the window. I didn't want to get up, clean, cook...garden, walk, run, play music. I just layed around all day, miserably tired. NO motivation - depressed.
When you feel hopeless, tired, worried...you have nothing to move you to move on. Nobody cares, nobody understands...nobody calls, nobody comes by...I separated myself from all contacts. Of course it was forcefully. I was empty, cold, void, blank, bland. I was a carcass. The only thing that could fill me was his acceptance, and remorse, and to gain closure. But with me being this way (lazy/sad/hateful/blank) would be the very thing which set him off. It was a situation which dug itself a deeper hole.

---THANK GOD...I had a friend who stepped in. Stood up to him, got me out of there...loved me, helped me, was not afraid, and took all steps to make sure I got out in 1 piece.

...when you see somebody treated wrong, hurt, abused. DON'T SHRUG IT OFF!!!! It could be the VERY thing which saves a life.
Of course trial and tribulation came later, one of life/death, an experience which literally was life altering. BUT that is only because I didn't take all the steps afterwards as I should have.

TAKE ALL STEPS POSSIBLE in these situations, warn neighbors, alert 911 of your situation and let them know the importance of a phone call from you, have safe calls (people you call, that will be struck as strange if you miss a call) --- Have a bag packed in-case you have to run, warn family, friends of the situation...have them stay with you, and 1 on guard (as long as possible) Have a system. A plan, locks and security. Get a restraining order, and if you can...leave town. Set up lights with movement sensors. Never think you can go overboard, TRUST ME. This could save your life. So many women, EVEN men have been victim to DV. --- its not taken seriously enough. BUT IT is VERY serious. It doesn't make you paranoid to do such a thing...it doesn't make you over-protective, a chicken, or whatever else...it means your smart.

Break the cycle, be a survivor. Learn, Understand, Accept, Teach, Be a friend, Step up....and guide the way to freedom for others.

Sometimes people just need a hand/voice/encouragement. Don't let the opportunity slip away from you. Be somebody's light in their darkness. It means the world to them, and you gain a new friend along the way.