I have two beautiful kids 6 months and 22 months, I have an amazing husband who cares and cherishes our kids and myself he gives us all cuddles and kisses before he leaves for work and when he gets home, but when I look at him and our children I feel like I'm failing them in everything that I do, when I look in the mirror I see nothing but a monster that fails everything in her path and everyone around her,
I'm on antidepressants for Pnd and I've also had depression since before we had our first child, he knows about my past (sexually abused over 200 times my eldest brother tried to od me on his drugs as a child myself, and my second eldest brother tried to rape me. We have nothing to do with my side of the family)
I don't know how to cope anymore, more and more each days I have flash backs of what's happened to me and I swore to protect my children from that but I'm finding it harder each to to continue living
2 Replies
I don't know you but I can tell you now, you aren't a monster. You had terrible terrible things done to you but those things aren't who you are.
There are a few options for you to try because I know you want to try.
Go back to your GP as soon as possible and tell him/her how you feel, if you can't say it, show them what you wrote. Your GP can assess you for where to go next.
If you have a psychologist or psychiatrist contact them immediately for advice.
If you feel you are at immediate risk call 000 for an ambulance. It's better to get to a hospital than do something you don't want to do. They can then assess you for services.
You can call lifeline or beyondblue.
You can find the number for your local mental health triage service.
It sounds like you have PTSD and getting treatment early makes a huge difference but the treating doctors need to know that you are having flash backs etc.
Wow! This hits home for me real bad! I was sexually abused by my older brother from the age of 6-11 any chance he had he would take it even if it was going to get dinner he would tell my parents that I was going for a ride with him to get it thinking my little brother was coming knowing i was safe but no he would say no to them for me I don't remember much before this I was a child and something was taken from me and I could never get it back. but since becoming a partner at 13 a mother at 16 and now a wife at 25 with four beautiful kids It has made me stronger than ever.
I think the few things that helped me was telling my other half very early on in our relationship and he was so caring then my brother actually tried it again when I was 13 and was with my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I was shaking a said NO LEAVE ME THE F ALONE that gave me the power back and another thing that helped was telling my parents when I was becoming a mum and they just cried my dad did say he wanted to kill him BUT thats his son and I told him see thats not what I want I want to move forward and be normal if he comes around its ok to still treat him as your son (my brothers own guilt has been eating him up and I know this because he only sees the family once every 2years or so and he is only a 30min drive away) but soon after telling dad told my brother to leave, when I went out he was saying to my dad why and my dad looked him dead in the eye and said I know your deepest darkest secret and he looked scared and left. Today my dad has health issues and my brother calls him time to time and I'm ok with that.
He done the same to my older sister and she struggle with it still but it has made her question everyone and everything with their intentions
With me I guess I has to stand back and look at him and his up bringing and think did this happen to him because there is history of it in the family and my dad was a single father to him when he was one as his mum died in a accident so there is that, then I look at what I have And where I am today! You are an adult now and you have an amazing husband that will be there to love, protect and support then you have your two beautiful kids that love you, try to find clarity and come to terms with it. Don't let the past eat up your future, you are stronger then you think. Xx ❤