Sisters,
When does PND stop being PND and just become depression? I'm sorry for the essay but I need to vent and.. I don't know - I need something.
A little background - I was unable to breastfeed my LO and so was expressing. I was wearing myself out, especially with the pressure to get on with life. I was also feeling immense pressure to continue expressing at any cost because of all the crap in the media about breastfeeding and the insinuation that formula fed babies are second class citizens. A relative saw me slipping into PND and told me to get a grip and stop expressing (LO was 4 weeks at this point) because my LO had received the most important part (Colostrum) and a good foundation. I knew they were right and I needed to stop for my own sanity but I struggled to let go. I felt like such a failure and that I was letting my LO down. Why the hell do people feel the need to ask Bottle or Breast? I cringe every time I have to say bottle!
LO is now 4 months old and I'm struggling. I'm still struggling with the guilt that my LO is formula fed. I'm struggling with what my life is at my age (I know it's not bad compared to others, but I also know I'm a loser compared to others). I'm struggling that I have no choice but to return to work in a few weeks, partly it's a crap job that's going nowhere, but also because I'll be earning less than I am on PPL. To find something else that is flexible enough to be a Mum is nearly impossible (nobody wants to hire a Mum - we're a liability). I'm struggling with my body image. I'm struggling with not having a hobby or an escape. I'm not living at the moment, I know I'm just exisiting. Just going through the motions. My LO's needs are being met, LO is not in any danger and LO is thriving. LO is beautiful, well-natured, well-behaved and sweet baby who sleeps through the night. I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have LO and for LO to be so wonderful.
I always see people say that depressed people want to die. I don't want to die - I just want everything to be better but I see no way out. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out now that hubby has gone to bed and I can't really say why. I just want to climb into a dark box and stay there for a few months.
So i guess after all that I want to know if this is PND or depression? I don't even know what I'm asking any more. I just want to scream that I'm not OK but I'm so scared that if I give in to it that it will engulf me.
4 Replies
Depression is depression it doesn't matter if it's PND a continuation of PND. The label does not matter.
What matters is getting help ASAP. It's time to go to your doctor and get a mental health care plan. Take the meds, get a psychologist.
And no you don't have to be suicidal to be depressed. In fact most people aren't suicidal when they are depressed. Most people with depression, suicide is just too much effort!!! I personally just wanted to cry/walk around like a zombie, and couldn't look after myself. I want to isolate myself when I'm depressed.
So please go to your doctor. Don't worry about what the label is, it makes no difference, it's important to get help.
Agree, pnd can go on for 2yrs after birth of a child. I can not highly recommend enough popping into your local community health centre and asking to see the psychologist. They have an amazing amount of resorces available and the amount of help for myself in the same situation 4 times has been absolutely unprecedented! They specialize in PND. They also from time to time run special courses for pnd. Go in there asap !!!! Its all provided through Qld health and not many know about the help avail at no cost. The help is also available non stop, so no 6 session limit on psychologist sessions etc.
Aww chicky, look at ways to boost your self esteem. When you feel better in yourself you feel better about your decisions. I was one of those mums who couldn't breastfeed, my milk was no good so I couldn't even express and my son was put on 100% formula from 3 weeks old. He is now 18. I don't remember ever being asked if he was breastfed or bottle fed though, ever, is this a new thing? Either way your answer is "none of your business", I would never dream of asking that of someone, how rude exactly has society become? You know that relative that told you to stop expressing? She's a gem, you keep her close and you ask her opinion when you're not sure because she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. Also, it's hugely unfair to compare yourself to others. You don't know what they have been given, you don't know what they've sacrificed and you don't know what they're hiding - you just see the outside face. Someone who appears to have all their shit together could have been given everything, they could have a huge network of supportive friends and family. Or they could look to have it all but be in debt up the wahzoo. See your doctor, get your mental health plan, take meds if required, actually DO what the psychologist tells you - I know you'll not want to but do it anyway, build your self-esteem so the thoughts of others are like water off a ducks back and finally, the dead end job might be a dead end job or it might be an opportunity. Can you upskill to be promoted, if not can you study to change careers? I did this, I studied my ass off for 18 months for a new qualification (it was hard but doable), even gained a part-time job in that field while holding down my full-time night shift factory job and just before I switched over my existing job promoted me, actually twice in the space of a year so now I manage many of the people I worked with and for! You've got this, bubs is even making it easier for you (I had one of those great sleep through the night, non-fuss babies too).
Ohh I know how you feel! My baby is now 9 months old but I was like you and had major breastfeeding troubles. At 3 days old the widwives realised she had lost over 10% of her body weight and panic mode set in as line feeding was introduced. I have never felt like such a failure in my life, not only could I not feed my baby but I hadn't realised she wasn't getting what she needed.. So then the process of expressing along with formula top ups began. I persisted with that for nearly 6 weeks and was an absolute tired, stressed, disheartened mess until my husband stepped in. She is now a perfectly happy 9 month old. I also got the questions about feeding but came to realise that if its not bottle vs breast that people had an opinion about then there's always something else. Having a baby seems to make people think your business is their business!
As for the depression I had a friend that suffered from PND and I thought the way her doctor described it was spot on -Imagine a ladder, usually you are up here (a high rung), but right now, you are down here (the low rung)…and we need help to get you to the middle rung, so that you can lift yourself back up to the high rung yourself - there is no shame in asking for help, it shows a strength that you can. I found an almost relief when I asked for help because it was out there, it wasn't hidden, I didn't have to try and pretend everything was OK anymore.
Now that your little one is a bit older it should start getting easier to go out and about. Are there any mothers groups or playgroups in your area that you could join? For me, we have 1 day a week that we have out. We go to baby bounce then visit some family and lunch with grandparents. I may not always feel like it but am always glad I do, it helps the days not run together so much, Bub loves the attention and excitement and I get a little break while everyone else entertains her.
Good luck mum. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Give that little baby of yours lots of hugs and kisses. PM me if you need someone to talk more to x