I see a psychologist but she hasn't said anything. I have always had problems with depression and now that im a mum of a 3 month old its to much. I've been single since i was 13 weeks pregnant due to DV. He wanted me to have an abortion but i refused so he became physical and i know deep down it was to make me miscarriage.
3 months on after fighting so hard to keep my daughter to give her the best start in life i feel as if i am loosing. I have an avo out but its not final yet and that is killing me working out all the evidence it beings back so many memoirs how can the man i loved hurt me physically and emotionally then find someone else 4 months later. Knowing he never loved me is killing me but so is being a single mum. All those nappy changes all those vomits, the bathing the feeding my boobs are killing i have a constant headache of her screaming all day. Today i went and got a dummy and i heard my exs voice in my head saying your a bad mum this is what he said to me all the time. I feel guilty for getting her a dummy to shut her up. I'm so lonely i love by my slef pretty mum the girl i live with is out all day. Im starting to wish i had my old life back. I'm over being a mum. I'm over it all. I want to do what i want when i want. The man i always have loved and lost just before my ex came along come round last night and he wasn't interested in me anymore. Don't blame him im not the 48 kilo girl any more im 56 and covered in stretch marks. I am about to give up breastfeeding and put her on the bottle. I just can't do it any more i don't know if i want to be a mum. I wasn't ment to be a mum like this. Why do i feel like this how can any mother possibly want to walk away. What do i do? I look at her and i cry. Maybe it's cause he has it all again and ive lost so much everything i ever worked for my house deposit mt carrier my dignity. I'm done. And i hate it.
Am i suffering PND
Am i suffering PND
Posted in:
Mental Health, Post Natal Depression, Anxiety & Depression
2 Replies
My baby is almost one and a half and I still have days like this.
If you were already vulnerable to depression, it's no wonder the trauma and abuse you've been through might pull you under again, don't beat yourself up. It's a totally normal side effect of having been mistreated for so long.
First, you need to book in and see a gp. I don't know what state your in but if you can get in at a women's health centre or a community health place you may be able to get free counselling. If there's nothing like that around you, ask your doctor to set you up with a mental health plan which should give you six free sessions. You need to see a professional, you can't heal without support.
Second, get your baby a dummy, put her on the bottle. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you need to put yourself first in order to look after your baby. If you can try and get her in day care one day a week.
Lastly, it is SO normal to feel the way you do after what you've been through. Try and get some help so you can learn to enjoy parenthood. I'm a single mum and it is isolating and you do miss your old life but there's nothing you can do. You can't go back. You can however choose to try and find just one good thing about every day. Even if it's just that she vomited on you one less time than yesterday. It does get easier. And as it gets easier you'll find more and more things you love about it.
If you're feeling desperate here's the lifeline number 131114, they're really kind and it's 24/7.
I wasn't cut out for motherhood either and I know it's hard to let go but it becomes so amazing and fulfilling when you can let go of the past.
The first 12 months is really hard! The hardest.
But you need to go see your GP as soon as possible, tomorrow!!! You need to discuss this all with your GP.
Wether you have depression/postnatal depression/situational depression it doesn't matter, it could be a combo of all three.