My kids came back from a week with their dad in a strange mood, argumentative, hyped up, cranky, my 6 yo blurted out at one point "why can't you be a normal mummy?"
I know it's normal to come home unsettled, but it was more than usual.
The next morning my 6 yo climbed into my lap and started talking about how she hates secrets.
This has been an on-going conversation since she told me last school holidays her brother had sexually abused her, so I went over it again with her...secrets are good if they're fun and exciting but secrets that make you feel bad inside are the ones you NEED to tell
So she told me her big secret, they didn't go to daddy's house for the week, they went to a lady's house and daddy told them to not tell me or I'll be very angry with him.
A bit of background, me and their dad split about 4 years ago, 2 years ago we started hanging out together with the kids and I thought over time we had developed a very strong friendship, it evolved into a sexual relationship, we've spent holidays together as a family, weekends, talk every day on the phone, even the day he returned the kids, we went to the museum together as a family
After our daughter disclosed the abuse from her brother, I reported it immediately and immediately FACS stepped in and sent him to his dad's with an Avo stating he's not to spend overnights with his sister (he's an autistic 10yo)
This new arrangement means the 3 of us now attend psychology appointments together every 2nd week and I've had to stay over at their place for important school meetings (they live 2 hours away, I don't have a car, minimal trains, so a visit to the school requires an overnight stay in a town where he's the only person I know)
I thought we were doing great, psychologist keeps praising us for how well we work together, our "united front" in helping our son etc
So I was more than a little surprised to find out he has a new girlfriend (she lives 5 hours away from him, 3 hours from me)
It didn't take long to work out those 3 weekends he's gone out recently he'd actually spent with her (that required my mother travelling a 4 hour round trip to pick up my daughter for the weekend as we have to keep her and son separated and I grab whatever time I can get with him, our agreement was that when we meet for psych appt, we'd swap kids for the weekend, I would have one on one with our son, he'd have the others, but in 2 months that's only happened twice, the last 2 scheduled weekends and 1 in the middle he's asked me to arrange a sitter for daughter because he needs to do this or that with his male best friend and I've ended up with son and other kids, psych keeps stressing how one on one time with me is very important for him)
So, he's met this woman in person 3 times, kids are still traumatised from what happened with the brother and subsequent facs investigation/fears if they're naughty they'll be sent away too, lots of emotions came out and all kids are in counselling or therapy of some kind, with a big emphasis on our daughter that she did the right thing by telling us what happened with her brother, and telling the police when they came to school, and then dad not only takes them to meet his new girlfriend, but orders them to lie about it too
The kids have basically accepted that mum and dad still love each other even though they don't live together, so that dream was shattered at the same time
But he can't see anything wrong with what he did, and he's making me feel stupid for worrying about how the kids felt meeting this new woman that he barely knows and he "had to ask them to lie because he knew how I'd react, if I wasn't so psycho he wouldn't have had to"
And I'm in pieces, I have no idea how we are supposed to coparent from this point, how are we supposed to sit through psych appts together, I won't be able to attend my sons school if anything comes up, I've effectively been shut out of my sons life and replaced with a random stranger
I'm on my own again with retraumatised kids
I don't know what my question is, but any advice is welcome
2 Replies
Wow there is a lot more involved in this than just a case of "my ex has a new girlfriend".. Now your ex definitely did the wrong thing by asking the kids to keep this secret from you, but in saying that at least you know that he knows what he is doing is wrong! If he thought he was doing the right thing he would have let you know he was seeing someone and let you know that's where they would be spending their holidays with. He has also done the wrong thing by trying to lead you to believe that you and him were working on your relationship, when in actuality he was getting his cake and eating it too! Essentially what he has done is upset the kids and break your heart all at the same time. Now please don't let this get in the way of your child's pych appointments, they need to know that regardless of what mum and dad have going on they will still work together to fix anything! You haven't done anything wrong and you need to keep it that way, kids are always going to love their mum and dad as much as you love them. Now with your ex he needs to be asked why he thought you were going to have a pycho fit when you found out about the girlfriend? He needs to be honest with himself and realise the only reason you would be that way is because he has lead you to believe the total opposite of what he is doing now!! You both have gone through a lot together and I can't even imagine how you both feel about what has happened between you babies, stress and confusing can lead people to do very strange things so you both need to sit down and talk it out. Good luck with everything.xx
Id be furious at telling her to lie. Save it for the psychologist.
Sorry you had to find out this say, he sounds like a coward, you go back to coparenting basics - communicating for and about the kids and thats all he gets.
I think you need your own psych to help you as well as your kids one. Youre dealing wih a lot and i know they were a lifesaver in helping me sort through things.