Abit of a long post but really needing some advice. I'm a young(ish) mother of two awesomely beautiful kids. Both of their births were less than perfect as I had emergency cesarean with my first. Having that first cesarean really traumatised me. I almost died on the operating table. Fast forward two years and we had another one, it was planned on OB's advice. That was 4 years ago. I suffered severe post natal depression and was medicated for depression and anxiety which I didn't even have before. The birth of my second child was less traumatic but I was hit by PND again. A few years on and my second child has many learning difficulties.For the last few years I have been ok. My husband does not want me to go through any more pregnancies or cesareans and wants us to stop having children for my own health and well being. I belong to a church where everyone is averaging 4-5 kids and I feel so less than everyone. So many questions about when the next one is coming. Personally I don't think my body or my mind will cope and I just want to know if anyone else has had to make this decision about limiting family size due to unforeseen circumstances. I guess I'm not asking for permission but more just to know that I'm not crazy to decide at my age(29) that I'm done with having kids. I would really appreciate your helpful advice. Yours truly, heartbroken mum
7 Replies
You are sooo not alone!
I made the decision to stop at one. I had a traumatic birth with my son, then over the first few years of life was diagnosed with ASD, intellectual disability, was in and out of hospital until about 6 with seizures. I was a young mum and had plenty of time to have more babies up my sleeve, but I realised psychologically I just didn't have it in me. I was exhausted with my loveable gorgeous boy.
I held off on having anything permanent done until around 30, and then got my tubes tied.
I personally have never regretted my decision. It was the right and smart thing to do and I personally believe the family we already have should come before any potential family.
I hope that helps
I got a referral to get my tubes tied at 23 with 2 kids due to issues at birth. I always wanted 4 kids but not if it means I could possibly die having another. I don't regret it...with only 2 kids I can afford to get them into extra curricular activities and a private school, would be much harder with 2 more.
Me and hubby get this question all the time we have 3 kids. For hubby it was a stretch to have the third. When we decided we where done we where both 28. You have to do whats best for your family and health.
I'm 25 and have 2 young sons.
My partner is suffering with mental health issues and any more children would likely push him over the edge. (He struggles with the two we have).
I always get asked if I will try for a girl (I'd LOVE a girl), so it breaks my heart when I say "I'm pretty sure we're done".
Unless my partner became well again, or we broke up and I fell in love with someone else and wanted children together, I don't see myself having more.
As for people asking you if you're having more, just say you're happy with two, no more planned for the near future.
They'll eventually get over asking.
I think the issue here is that for some reason you are not at peace with the reality that it's best for you to not have any more kids. The line "everyone is averaging 4-5 kids and I feel so less than them" screams that in volumes.
You need to deal with your grief over this.
I can honestly say if you were at peace with it then you wouldn't have any issue with telling people "we're not having any more". I only have 2 and people seem to think that we will naturally be going to try for a girl. I do not want more and am at peace with the fact that we will be having no more children and for this reaso I have no qualms bluntly telling people that we will not be having more kids and that our boys are all we need!
I was 25 when I decided to not have any more children. My choice, (well and my partners lol).
My choice wasn't due to unforeseen circumstances I guess, but just life circumstances? It was a choice I made to better the lives of the children I have now, I am now 30, great job, qualified, financially able to give the children I have everything they need. Ect. I've always said, if money grew on trees I'd be poppin kids out by the bucketload lol I love them!! But in order to give them a great life, full of adventure than I need to be sensible. There's no need to keep up with what others are doing.
I always wanted a big family, and after a textbook pregnancy and birth with my first child I was sure it would all work out perfectly. But after 9 years and multiple pregnancies ending in unexplained losses and the physical & emotional hell that entailed, I'm now pregnant for what we have determined will be our final time. It has been very hard to let go of the vision I always had for our life. I'm not happy with the decision but have realised I am just no longer able to put myself and those around me through more trauma - we had to draw a line and say that after that point we would move on. At least this has taken some little of the constant uncertainty out of our future. We know there are new possibilities in the pipeline if we don't get to welcome a healthy baby. It is especially hard when others around you are having (more) babies and also may not know of your history. I (eventually) have become quite up front with people that ask/comment on our family as it was the only way I felt I could be true to myself and our lost babies and I've found it does help. At the very least I figure word gets around and you get less insensitive comments, or best case scenario is you find a kindred spirit who shares your journey. Be gentle with yourself but realistic about the toll your choices may have. While it's important to acknowledge outside factors (such as other families in your church) and decide how to deal with them (maybe even writing and practicing a reply for those difficult questions - I really had to do this) you must make decisions that are true to you and you alone. Best wishes mama.