Sorry this may be long but I'm at a wall!!
I'll try to keep it short but with giving enough information, what would you do?
When I met my daughters father he was a recovered drug addict, we decided we wanted a baby, i fell pregnant easily and during my pregnancy he changed, I just thought work etc stressed and that's why he became so mean and angry, I put up with his abuse for a long time and didn't find out that he had been back on drugs until out daughter was 3 months old, he had been doing it again since I was second trimester. Anyway, like most woman in a DV with a drug addict, I believed he could change and things would get better, things got worse to the point he just didn't care at all and would push me around with our infant daughter in my arms! I manage to get out when she was 6 months old. He did the whole "I'll change" "I love you" "I miss you" "I'm going to kill myself" I'd get long messages declaring his love and how sorry he was, all of which I knew were bullshit and he was high everytime I saw him, I was doing supervised visits and inbetwen he would randomly show up at where I was staying and smash things up, push me around, tell me he was going to ruin my life, police had to come each time, I moved and refused to tell him my address. In this time, I got his mum to pick up our daughter, take her to see him, supervise it, bring her back so I had zero contact with him. I met someone else, then once he found out he called me up and told me he wants to go through family court and if I spoke to his mum or dad again he would skin me alive. I explained to him that if I can't contact his parents then he can't see our daughter as that was the only way, he told me he didn't give a shit if he ever sees her again his only goal is to ruin my life, so I said fine, see you in court. I then did what the police were begging me to do and got a restraining order on him which he tried to refuse it but didn't show up to court, but he has been told that as long as his civil he can contact me about our daughter and that's it. That was a year ago now, zero contact except once where he messaged me, didn't ask about our daughter, he was once again declaring his love, I told the police he breeched the restraining order, he got charged and no contact since. I ended up getting in contact with his parents 6 months ago and been told that his still on drugs,
Now lost his job and refusing rehab. Full on worthless junkie, his mum said by no means should he be seeing our daughter, his too unstable, his dad on the other hand said that maybe if we "use" the baby as a reward for getting on track it might help him, I'll admit,
I lost my shit. I am not using my daughter to dangle infront of him like a fucking bone you give a dog when they don't shit on the carpet, no. His mum is still dead against him seeing our child as his too dangerous. Here's my dilemma, no court orders in place, I need to go back to work, he could find out what daycare she's in and just take her! But I also can't live like this forever, if I need a passport or her I need to call him, I want to change her last name also. I'm 100% done, his had a year to get his shit together and hasn't, she's worth more then that, I know he will never change, he may get clean for a few months but it will never be a solid thing and I don't want my daughter around him ever, not until she's old enough to make the decision herself and know what the consequences could be. My partner on the other hand, adores my little girl, he has really stepped up and she loves him so much, I've never seen a bond as strong as there's, but he thinks we should reach out and give him a chance (maybe I'm dating another psychopath?! Joking) he wants to see if he will get clean because he feels as if the child should know her father, but I don't think she should, his crazy, my ex has never met him and I've kept most details on abuse to myself as it would just upset him. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Can he change? Will he change and stay on the right line? Or
Is he just a worthless oxygen thriving junkie that's only ever going to break my babies heart? I'm sorry this is so long, I hate not
Knowing what is best for my own child,
I'm so worried about either course I take... Any advice is helpful, thankyou.
4 Replies
He may change eventually, some people do get clean and healthy, but you don't put your daughter around him until he has proven he is clean (for a period of time) and he has shown an interest in having a healthy relationship with his daughter. That might take 2 years, that might take 20 years.
You do need to get some legal advice from a family lawyer, regarding your options keeping your daughter safe. But don't tell his parents or him what school daycare, schools etc you enrol her in. As grandpa sounds like he is in Lala land! But if he doesn't know where his daughter is, it's pretty hard to pick her up.
Yes they can...when they want too not when anyone else wants them too. They have to do it on their own. I could be wrong but the father wouldnt be able to pick your daughter up from daycare unless its stated on the allowed pick up list and even then he will have to show photo Id to be able to do it. I still would not tell his parents especially his father where she goes.
You need to.put your self and childs safety first. And if that means going to.court then so be it. With day care just tell them the situation. Most day cares have a code to get into the centre anyway.
I was married to a junky for 13 years. He was a druggie for 10 of those years. We separated 8 years ago and he's in rehab. Again...
My opinion is yes they can change but only if THEY want to. Nothing anyone else says or does can make them change. Nothing!
Using your daughter as incentive would be a waste of time and would probably only make things worse.
Keep yourself and your daughter safe and keep away from him.