* Sorry, this is longer than I thought *
Please bare with me my head space isn't all that clear. And if you get through my ramblings and comment, thank you xo
I am trying to stay positive that we will be blessed with a rainbow baby but beginning to wonder how I will come to terms with it should it not happen.
We have three beautiful children for which I am so thankful but we lost our forth who was stillborn last year. I worried how I would cope with four but the baby was much loved and deeply wanted.
When we lost the baby it was beyond devastating. A part of me still wonders if I wished our baby away with my worries and it kills me. It is a senseless guilt I know but I carry it none the less.
We started trying again as soon as we could as I turned 39 this year and time is ticking.....we fell pregnant 3 months later and I was nervously excited. Then we lost the baby at 8 weeks a few days before Christmas (I began spotting at a friends baby shower, seriously fuck you life!!) and my world came crashing down once again. Grief on top of grief is quite possibly the most horrendous thing I have experienced.
We have been doing everything possible without success since (I have been on clomid, IVF etc are not an option, open to suggestions!) and I am starting to wonder if my baby making days are over. I always said no babies after I was 40 but I'm not ready to give up yet (nor is my partner who is possibly more desperate for another than I am) but also fear continuing to try due to all the other risks associated with later age pregnancies and the consequences of such on our family. We have no medical reasons for our losses. They were all conceived fairly normally and my pregnancies were typical. The stillbirth was no where on our radar as the pregnancy and baby were perfect.
I can't bare the thought of never having another baby.....how do I come to terms with it if we don't? Can I, or is it just something I will have to learn to live with? At the moment it feels like a huge piece is missing, not just our angels, but another little person to complete our family. The thought of losing another baby is so scary, but the urge to keep going is stronger. I don't want another baby to "fix" our family as we are all ok considering. I want another baby because we all want another little person in our lives.
I know I will be "done" if we have another but I really don't think that way now and can't shake it. I know I'm not the only one who wants and baby and can't or are struggling to and know there are many more who may never have their own children so feel selfish for even complaining about it when we are so blessed already.....how do you make peace with not having a baby when it is your biggest hearts desire?
2 Replies
I think your angel baby is affecting you a lot more than you think in regards to wanting another baby to complete your family. And that's completely normal.
What was his/her name? I bet they were perfect in every way, just taken too soon.
You see you did have the family you wanted already, sadly one was taken away. And no amount of you being worried made that happen. You are allowed to be upset about not having another child, whether you have had children already or not doesn't dull the pain of feeling like your family wasn't complete.
I really hope you get the long awaited child you want. But if you don't, know in your heart you did have 4 babies. And talk about your angel baby more, they are still with you.
I'm so sorry for your loss.... I'm not sure if you have recieved this info from you health care provider but there is the National Association for Loss and Grief (NALAG) they have a beautiful support network and counselling options for families with rainbow babies and miscarriages... You might consider going and speaking to them either by your self or with your family. It may help with the emotional stress.
Sending you and your family love and hugs xx