Need advice on helping a friend of mine change her ways.
I have a friend who is 30 years old, married with two kids age one year old and 5 month old.
She is a lawyer and her husband is a psychiatrist.
The problem I have with her is that she only seems to care about herself. She buys designer brand clothing, shoes, make up, hand bags, perfumes and so on sometimes multiple times a week!
While her kids however are mostly always dirty and look like they need a good bath and clean, new clothes to wear.
She's told me she never wanted to be a mother but her husband wanted kids so she gave in.
She goes out most weekends to drink and party with friends while her tired husband stays home with the kids.
She thinks she is above everyone else because she is always dressed best and has a fancy brand new car.
She also has dropped off her kids at her mother's place for a few weeks at a time so she can do her thing. She lies to her mother saying she's flat out at work, she's sick etc.
I feel she does not show love and care to her children, she just looks after them because she feels she has to!
Any advice on helping her change her ways? Thanks ladies
How can I help my friend change her ways of living
How can I help my friend change her ways of living
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9 Replies
Her husband is a psychiatrist! If he can't change her ways or isn't interested in changing her ways then anything you do will be pointless.
You can't make someone care. Now it's up to dad to look after the kids properly. Just like 100000 women have done when there husband/partner didn't care or wanted to go out partying even though kids have arrived!
I think you could help her by moving on so she can find better friends.
Sooooo this women did not want children but her husband did so she caved in and gave him some... so just because she has children now she should change her ways when this was not something she really wanted... bet her husband was thinking shit I didn't sign up for this, well neither did your friend so NOW it's up to the husband to step up to the plate and take care of the children and raise them the best way he can... maybe he could hire a nanny...
Just because you're a women does not mean you need to bare children some women just don't want kids and that's ok... I actually kinda feel sorry for this women.. she is being made to look like the bad guy when really this is what her hubby wanted so he needs to step up his game...
I feel so sad for all of them! This woman didn't feel like she could say how she really felt to her husband, to say that she really didn't want kids, so she's now got two little kids who she doesn't feel connected to. Those little babies who will probably realise in time that Mum really doesn't love or like them. And her hubby who has probably realised his wife isn't who he thought or hoped she was.
If you want to be a good friend, if you think things could change, forget about what she has done or is doing (in terms of her fairly apparent coping mechanisms) and encourage her to get some counselling. She's probably feeling a lot of conflicting feelings atm. Encourage her to open up and work through her feelings. Because at the end of the day her children didn't ask to be born. Regardless of what she wanted, they're here. She needs to step up, or if she really doesn't want to be there, step out.
Jealous women usually talk like you do. Both are gainfully employed and she's a new mom, so she has a right to make herself feel good. Using the line "the problem I have with her"? Really? It's not about you and jealously, it should be you supporting her. She is working full time in a strenuous detailed job and runs her household. You should learn from her.
Not unless SHE wants to change, or has asked for your help,there is nothing you can do. Unless you are seriously concerned for the kids welfare, in that case, you speak to her or docs.
Is she using you to mind her kids and run around after her? If not, it's up to the husband and her mother to speak up if they have a problem with it. And don't think the mum is stupid, I think she'd know her daughter very well by now.
Are you jealous of her lifestyle or is she just toxic to be around? Maybe it's time to let this friendship go
From what you have said, she has traits of having NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). If so, her poor husband, who being a psychiatrist should see this and her poor children. Narcissists are damaging, self serving and completely users. NPD goes hand in hand with being a lawyer too. I do not see you at all as being 'jealous' as some others have put it, I think you're seeing her true colours and wanting to help the kids. If she have NPD, she won't and can't change. Just move on and get other friends.
Shes being honest. She doesnt sound like my cup of tea but i can understand not wanting kids and her taking breaks to live her life. As long as tr kids are cared for, its not your place to make a problem. The question is Does the mother or husband or her have a problem with it?
There's so much going on here. I read it a few days ago when you posted and had a bit of a think. She doesn't need to change her ways, you need to change your thinking. What works for her family might not be what you do with yours but families really are very different.
She is a lawyer and he is a Psychiatrist. They are not low income so if desired they could have a nanny care for the kids but they don't, kids are raised by them and their immediate family (grandparents). There's no lack of education of poverty to keep these two together, if husband is unhappy he has every resource at his fingertips to take the kids and move on. He doesn't, it's working for them.
I buy myself a bit of stuff, I love perfume and buy very nice ones. I love funky shoes, to the point I now have to sacrifice a pair to Vinnies before I get a new pair :( (partners rule lol). I have really bad skin so I spend a lot on skin care, I have thin hair so I spend a lot on good hair styles and products, I have the same rule for hand bags as shoes... Our son growing up was a normal kid. He was usually filthy from playing out in the sand pit, making mud pies under the tap, rolling in the grass wrestling the dog, riding his dirt bike out in the paddock beside the house, hauling a fishing rod down the creek bank, drawing on the concrete with chalk etc. He had to shower each night so I didn't care how dirty he got, as long as he was having fun. Almost all of his clothes were yard clothes, stained, possibly small rips, pulled out of shape from innumerable washes. Unless you saw him at a funeral or wedding you'd think he dragged his clothes out of a rag bag, but kids grow fast and you want to get as much wear out of them before they don't fit anymore. There's absolutely no need to be wasteful just because you can afford to be, no way I was sending my boy out into the yard in a new shirt, even when he blew out his yard clothes they were replaced from op shops, only good clothes for going out were bought new.
I never wanted kids but I fell pregnant (young and dumb), my partner was excited, I was terrified! We have our son and now that I have him I love the absolute shit out of that kid, not wanting kids doesn't make her bad and it doesn't mean she can't be a good mum. It means she trusted you enough to share what would be a very painful admission due to the judgment it receives.
I go out whenever I like and if I wasn't taking him with me (meet friends for coffee, going to concerts, travelling etc) he would stay home with dad. Being a mum doesn't equal being housebound. I'd say dad has the option to go out on the other weekends if he wanted to but chooses not to because he doesn't want to. She does want to so she does. This is actually pretty healthy in my books. If dad was overwhelmed there's always that nanny I mentioned, I doubt he's that tired if he hasn't hired one.
Does she think she's above everyone else or do you think she thinks she's above everyone else? I would have a lot of people think the same as me but I don't care. I'm not comfortable in social encounters so I clam up and come across as a snob. Some people I do think I'm better than, like the asshole BiL that calls me a "rich bitch" because my partner and I have sacrificed to own a home (not a flash one either but it's ours) and the friends ex who judges me because I prefer bourbon to beer "we can't all afford to drink bourbon". Well sorry love but I work and I can afford to drink bourbon so I friggen will!
I've also dropped my son off for weeks at a time ocassionally to visit his grandparents when he was younger (during the school holidays since that one set of GP lived some distance away). Why should they miss out on seeing him? If it made my life easier having a bit of a break and not dealing with school holiday sitters well that was just an added bonus! How do you know she's lying to them? It could be flat out at work and she is exhausted, and just wants to unwind in rare spare time for a week, as long as the kids are bonding with their grand parents I don't see the harm. A while ago my boss knew he was taking up so much of my time (and that my partner was left working f/t and caring for all of our sons needs) that he sent me and my family away for a weekend. Sometimes work does get full on.
She might struggle to "show" love the way you show it. I do too, I wasn't raised with love or affection so I do struggle to show it and certainly not in front of others.
Our relationship looks bizarre to many people because it doesn't fit "normal" societal standards but we're all happy and it doesn't matter to us what others think of it.
You don't get to see the whole picture, just the bits she lets you see.
If you can't be her friend the way she is you should stop being friends, if at any time there's a problem and she trusts you she'll come to you. Until then, I'd say they're probably quite happy just the way things are.