I'm a bit lost as to what to do. I'm have problems with my mother inlaw and emotions are flying high. Anyway, I had my third baby 2 weeks ago, my baby was 12 weeks early and is in the NICU and will be for quite some time, my eldest child started his first year of school last week and I don't drive, the hospital that my baby is at that I have to express for every 2 hours is an hour drive away where I need to organise someone to baby sit and then mostly my partner takes me to the hospital daily. Anyway, my mother in law watched the kids when I went into labour. Since I actually had the baby, she has offered no help and no support, gets annoyed if I don't update her enough and completely turned into another person since we told everyone that no smoking was to be at the house as SIDS is a massive risk! She doesn't even smoke, her daughter does and her daughter has gottan upset about it. I didn't say anything to my partner about how annoyed I was with the lack of support for her side, I'm not going to deny that I am not coping well and I am struggling, it's quite obvious. But I hit breaking point last week when I went out and my partner was at home and his parents popped round. He told me what was said because we do not keep secrets even if it hurts, but his mum came in and ranted that the house was a mess, mind you, there were toys around from my toddlers (2 and 4) and there rooms were pretty trashed, I'll admit that, and there was clean washing piled up in baskets, but dishes were done and my house wasn't "filthy" it was messy but wasn't THAT bad. (Her house is NEVER tidy!) so she ranted on that the house was a mess, ranged on that my partner looked skinny and wasn't eating right (we have had take out TWICE since I had baby, I have been cooking mostly!) and then ranted on about her daughter and that it was unfair about the smoking thing blah blah blah, and then! She threw in a pointless comment saying I was talking crap about my partner behind his back to his sister, which he laughed off anyway but it's got me fuming! He ended up asking her to leave and she told him not to say anything to me, obviously he did. I'm absolutely fuming, I already cry every 30 seconds because of everything happening with my kids, then, someone who should offer a helping hand comes into MY home and says I'm not doing good enough?! I'm expressing 2hrly, day and night! I exhausted, my partners exhausted, my kids are playing up because they have no idea what's going on, I don't get home till late so I can go see the baby. She doesn't offer a OUNCE of help comes over to my home, says it's messy, and then tries to start an argument between two people who just had a baby 12 weeks premature! Maybe she could offer to fold some laundry as I'm obviously struggling, or bring us a cooked meal to help out?! But no. I had a massive cry and a massive rant and apologised to my partner for ranting about his mum because I know it wouldn't be nice for him. And I decided to leave it alone, pretend I didn't know and not say anything because I'm
Too exhausted to fight for one, and my partner is going through all this aswell and doesn't need this shit. But he decided to tell his dad that his mum was outta line and I'm upset about it. She then deleted me
On Facebook (level 10 petty!) in all this, I've not said a word. I continued with pictures and updates but my partner has asked me to not update her, he said she hasn't involved herself and she deleted me on Facebook so she obviously doesn't care much. Which I don't believe, I think she's just being a cow. But I don't know what to do! I'm updating everyone else, including his dad so she will be kept in the loop anyway. I'm mad,
I'm fuming, I think her behaivour is absolutely disgusting and pathetic and I honestly don't know who in their right mind would pull shit like this at such an emotional time.
Am I being overly emotional? Is this somewhat normal behaivour? Am I being selfish? What do I do! My partner acts like he isn't phased but I know id be lost without my mum. I have said nothing to her through this whole ordeal as I didn't want to start world war three. My partner thinks I should voice myself, but I know it will accomplish nothing, just add fuel to the fire. I'm tempted to just message her to try and sort it all out though because at the end of the day, this isn't about how angry and upset I feel,
Or how she feels, or how my partner feels, it's about a baby, hooked up to machines,
In a tank, that is eventually going to come home and need their family. My partner won't have a bar of it, his so annoyed at his mum and that she has offered no help at all since the baby was actually born. Any advice? This is the first time we have had a falling out! I've always gottan on well with her and I don't know what she has turned into a completely different person!
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
11 Replies
NO! You are not overreacting or being overly emotional. You are going through a shitload of stuff and your family should be bending over backward to make very difficult situation easier for you. Your MIL (if she has nothing better to do) should be at your place every day cleaning, cooking, babysitting and giving you a break. Driving you to the hospital to spend time with your baby and express for bubby. And keeping her damn mouth shut about everything else. If she's not capable of this, then forget her. Don't talk to her, don't try to fix it. Focus on your little family, and appreciate those who are looking out for you.
Your MIL has behaved like a crazy person!
Focus on you, your children and husband.
Update to Facebook if you have time. And update to FIL if you have time. But seriously you have bigger fish to fry than updating people grr.
IF you feel like repairing the relationship when life has settled down a bit then there will always be time. But now isn't the time.
Focus on your baby, forget the mil shes an asshole for making it about her at this time. Any one could see youre inn survival mode - fuck a messy house! Eating well?! Where is this ladys compassion? Just save your energy for you and your babies. Let all communication go to your partner and dont even ask about it, it will eat away at you and you dont have the energy to give her at this time.
Firstly sending you big hugs. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Having a premmie baby is hard! But please be mindful of yourself, it is really easy to fall into a depression after experiencing a premmie journey.
Secondly I know you've said mil has offered any help but have you asked for her help? Could she be waiting for you to ask incase she feels like by offering help that she may make you feel like you are not coping?
Thirdly surround yourself with positive family and friends that are there to help support you and your family. You will really need it right now.
Remember there is a light at the end of that tunnel, it will get easier.
I'm going to go ahead and be the black sheep. It will be judgemental and for that, I am sorry. But I am a firm believer in looking at all aspects. Whilst I 100% think that no one has a right to tell you how to live your life or judge you for what you are going through, I can potentially sympathise with your MIL.
The first thing that I thought reading that was "why don't you drive"? Is it because you've been too busy, too lazy or just have had no desire to get your license? Or because you have lost it? How do you usually get around with day to day life? How is your child getting to school and how are you getting to shops etc? Maybe from your MIL's perspective she thinks you are relying on your partner too much to get you to places and feels as though he is dragging you around.
Maybe there's a whole lot building up and the messy house just made her snap, because she was finding things to blame on you (DEFINITELY NOT agreeing with her behaviour in any way).
If I was you, if you are struggling or would like her to do something, just ask. She can either say no or she can say yes. If you want a meal, or some laundry done, ring her, text her, ASK for help. Don't wait for it to get to this point.
I'm sorry for what you are going through with your baby and can't imagine what a stressful time you are going through, but do not be afraid to ask for help EVER.
How very dare you judge her for not driving! Some people can't drive for various reasons; my stepson, for instance, cannot get his license because he has a seizure disorder and has to be 2 years seizure-free before being able to get his P-plates and he still has the occasional seizure so can't. Some find driving too stressful and can't cope. Personally I'd rather people who can't cope with the task not be on the road, to be honest! It has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
I agree wit poster its jus lazy to not drive no excuse do urself a favor and get ur licence stop depending on hubs oh and yeh i have medical probs but still drive
I'm sorry but if you have medical problems that mean you shouldn't drive then you should stop being selfish and putting other people and their families at risk, driving whilst you have an issue that impacts your abilities is just as reckless as drink driving.
Also my sister was in a terrible accident and can no longer drive due to anxiety, not driving is much more than laziness to so many people so stop being so cruel to someone who has enough to deal with already.
Having a baby is hard enough without them being early. I completely dropped my bundle after my 2nd and he was a perfect baby. You are not unreasonable, of course you are emotional, your baby is in box in a hospital. You are stretched to your limits and rightly so!
If you must talk to her I would send her a picture of your baby with a simple not. This is not about you, this is not even about me, this about my baby. If you have time please help "husband" with the house work it would be very appreciated. But until my baby is safe, folding washing is right on the bottom of my priority list and that's where it stays.
Failing that, just forget about her and her bs you've got more important things to spend your precious energy on x
Ps if your near 2795 I'm happy to help out babysitting or shoping or cleaning or just a coffee x
I just want to say how well I think you and your partner are handling this. It sounds like he's doing all the right things and putting you first - and you are so kind to be thinking of his relationship with his mum. You have an extremely challenging situation on your hands, harder than anything I have ever faced. Just keep your head above water, don't worry about the housework, and focus on your new baby. You are not being selfish. If you have a good history with your MIL, and really want to repair things, maybe just suggest she comes and lends a helping hand. She might come to her senses if she realises you could really use some help. If she's noticed you have housework to do, just point out that there's a precious, fragile little life in the NICU that is far more important, and that you'd love some help at this emotional and demanding time. If she's a decent person, she'll realise you're right xo
Hi. Firstly, put MIL to the back of your mind and focus on your family. Your baby needs you, hubby needs you, your 2 little ones need you!
If you are in Adelaide, I would love to come and give you a hand. No judgement, just a hand to cook a meal or two, fold washing, general tidy up.
A friend.
It will all fall into place when the time is right.
Good luck.
Ps. I'm serious about the offer!