sorry for the long read. I'm going to give the back story. A few weeks ago I got my period early. It's been like clockwork for the last 8ish years so I was surprised but thought nothing of it. Period pain was normal on the first 2 days but on the third day I woke in excruciating pain to the point of being in tears and not being able to move but again thought nothing of it.
5 days after my period finished I woke again in the same pain, tried to go toilet but nothing happened so I went back to bed. I woke again 2 hours later and I was bleeding.
I panicked, rang my GP and made an appointment for that day, rang my partner in tears and rang my boss.
I went to the GP. She did smear and swab tests. Then said let's do a pregnancy test just in case. It came back positive.
She rang the hospital saying she thought it was an ectopic pregnancy. While still with my GP I rang my partner in tears. I told him I'm pregnant and something's wrong.
He came home from work straight away and we went to the hospital. Nothing could be seen on the ultrasound. Then my bloods came back saying my HCG was only 260. The doctor said that it still had a possibility of being a viable pregnancy.
2 days later I returned to the hospital for another blood test to try get some answers. They took blood, and my HCG had dropped to 140 so it was confirmed I was miscarrying.
For those two days that we didn't know it was a rollercoaster of emotions.
I felt inadequate as a woman, I couldn't even get pregnant and do that right. I felt like I had been betrayed by my body and that I had let my partner down. Then I would let myself get excited at the possibility of a baby.
Having a miscarriage confirmed was devastating.
I don't know how to move on from this.
Since I stopped bleeding my partner and I have had sex twice. I have told him that he must use condoms because there is a massive risk with getting pregnant too soon after a miscarriage and I cannot take contraceptives.
The first time we had sex, I literally cried. Not because it hurt, but it felt wrong and like it was the final closure to this devastating time.
My partner and I weren't trying for a baby, but we also weren't trying not to have a baby. If it happened it happened. But he has now told me he really wants us to try to have a baby. I am absolutely terrified that my body will do this again. I don't know if I can cope with it.
I'm in my late 20's so also know that the biological clock is ticking.
How do I move past this loss and feeling of utter betrayal?
4 Replies
Sorry for your loss.
What you are feeling is very normal. It's totally normal to grieve, to feel hurt and to have a range of emotions you won't be expecting. You need some time to recover emotionally. I would start that process by speaking to your GP. Your GP can help you with things like facts and figures. The amount of women who have miscarriages is surprisingly high. Knowing this can help you feel like you are not alone, they can also help you know about what the chances are of this happening.
You are only in your late 20s you have plenty of time up your sleeves and you don't need to rush out and get pregnant straight away unless you want to. Your partner and yourself may have very different reactions to what has happened. His reaction might be to get pregnant ASAP and you might feel the opposite. That is ok. But you both need to acknowledge that you are both grieving and you might need to do that differently so he might need to give you time.
Your GP can also refer you to things like counselling this can really help you both talk about your feelings and really hear each other and understand from the others perspective.
I'm sorry for your loss, it's never easy and definitely take the time to grieve.
I think the most important part to remember about miscarriages is that they normally are not preventable. Nothing you or your partner did could have prevented it. It also doesn't mean either of you are a failure. It just means that when the baby was starting to develop, your body recognised that the embryo would not be able to live sufficiently so terminated the pregnancy early on.
Definitely find some support groups to comfort you and if you are both prepared, jump back on board and try/not try again. <3 <3
My first pregnancy was a surprise, like you we were not trying but not really not trying either. Sadly it ended in a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I too went through that roller-coaster of emotions but over a period of 6 weeks, I feel for you going through all that in such a short space of time. Similarly to your situation it was this loss that cemented our decision to start a family. I fell pregnant 3 months later and didn't dare feel anything for the first 13 weeks just in case the same thing happened. Happily it didn't and nearly 1 year to the day of having the miscarriage i had our first daughter. I went on to have 2 more children and was always cautious in the first 13 weeks because of that experience. I never had another miscarriage. I hope my story helps give you hope and I wish you the very best x
Time my sweetheart. Time, good support, taking care of you and just going through the range of emotions that comes with such a loss is what gets you to the other side and in a better head space. It is okay to feel what you are feeling. I have been in this hole of despair and it sucks. It sucks so bad and you think you will never get out but you eventually find your way. You start to see why this has happened and that nothing you could have done would have prevented it and that you are most certainly not a failure <3 You start to see rationally and not emotionally. It still hurts but you understand that it happened for a reason. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you the very best x