I just need someone to talk to I guess but at the same time I couldn't handle a response.
I have post natal depression. But my son is now 13 months. I suffered when he was younger (5 months) but I can feel it creeping back in. I'm okay when he is with me, but when he visits his father (every second weekend) I get an insane lonely feeling, I feel isolated no matter how surrounded by people I am. I try to pick fights with people more, I feel like I should be angry at people more even though I don't actually want to be angry.
I'm seeing a psych and everytime I bring up my struggles she says something like "I coucil women who's 2 year old are in chemotherapy". I understand that I don't have serious worries in my life like that, for the most part my son is healthy and happy but I don't feel like she gets to disregard my feelings just because I could be in a worse situation.
My ex is currently furious at me for not wanting our family to get back together and calls me selfish for wanting our son to come from a split family. I feel guilty everyday that I couldn't say in that relationship for my son. Every single day. But the emotionally and phsychologcal abuse was far too much. And I was so close to relapsing (4 years clean) before I left but I couldn't look at my son and do that to him. So I may be selfish and childish but I am doing the best that I can and I don't feel like anyone sees that. My mother always comments on my weight that I'm gaining too much (I'm a 10-12 and 5ft.9") my ex's family always say things to my son and my own family about how I should be in rehab because I'm still a drug addict. I haven't touched a drug in 4 years but that's all they see me as. A worthless, selfish drug addict who is the mother of their son/grandchild/ nephew.
Mums I don't know what to do. I'm trying my very best but I feel like it's all in vein ????
6 Replies
First step, you need to find a new psychologist!!! So back to your GP. Your psychologist is a DickHEAD!
It might be a good idea for your GP to review your medication too. If you don't feel you can explain to your GP get them to read what you wrote.
What an arsehole psyc!!!
Back to your GP and ask for a referral for a new psyc,
I'd possibly even ask to be referred to a psychiatrist,so much better,
Take care xx
I know I'm a bit of a freak (because everyone likes to tell me so) but I actually feel less lonely listening to lonely-type music. Think the entire "Into the Wild" soundtrack, a few Bernard Fanning tracks, a bit of Black Label Society, some Pantera. Songs about loneliness, pain, anxiety, anti-social tendencies, rage. Freak I know, but the way I see it, at some point someone else felt this and penned a song about it and that it itself creates a bond which calms me. Knowing I'm not the first and won't be the last to feel this way takes the edge off. Give it a go, it'll either work for you or it won't.
As the others have said, definitely get onto a new Psychologist. Try a few until you find someone you're comfortable with. There's no one-size-fits-all-fix. I got by with no meds and a Psychologist, my best friend needed hard core pills and a Psychiatrist. The one I saw for childhood sexual abuse, fucking hell, I could have killed it, bitch cried more than I did every week! Small town though and I didn't want to drive to the city so I stuck it out, learned all her text book shit and worked it out for myself, learned to rely on myself and support myself so when there are times that no-one else is in my corner, well fuck it, I'm in my corner. A lot of my self confidence and zero-fucks to give attitude comes from that time in my life. I came out the other side in a good place, eventually. I proved to myself I had it in me to make it out the other side and you can too, you have to put the work in because it's not easy but you can get there.
Ex, smecks. He can be as previously, currently and futurely (Geez, is that even a word?) furious as he wants, those zero-fucks given again. I'm sure you'd rather your son comes from a broken home because his mum values herself enough to not put up with anyone's shit instead of living in a broken home where the role models are 100% fucked up and fucking him up at the same time. Go you, putting him and you before a cranky asshole. Don't relapse over these people! 4 years, what a massive achievement! They might not appreciate how hard it is but some of us do, we know every single day there is that fucking mountain to climb to get to the end of another day and every fucking day you're climbing it. We get it, even if your circle of family don't. I have a friend who has the same struggle with her family as she was the "junkie one". Family can be the most judgemental of all people, I have nothing to do with most of mine because I just don't have it in me to put up with their negativity and drama. If you have to cut them out or reduce their influence in your life, do it. You're not a selfish, childish, worthless drug-addict mum, you're a battle scarred strong woman who is just a little bit lost at the moment but will be the life long protector of your child regardless of a fuckwit ex and unsupportive family.
I haven't even read through your entire post yet and already you need to get rid of your psych, that is beyond unacceptable! Screw that. Perhaps saying it once to give a little perspective maybe but repeatedly is not OK. You need to feel heard and supported in this relationship with your psych. Not judged.
Now that I have read through the rest:
As for everyone else? Ignore them. I am sure your mum is coming from a place of love but you have bigger fish to fry right now obviously. Perhaps have a chat to her and let her know that you are aware that she doesn't approve of your weight but that for right now you have other stuff going on and you need her support not her judgement.
As for your ex he is going to want you back where he can control you, you don't need that, you made a healthy choice especially given the anise. Stick with it. It isn't a selfish choice it is the right one. It is better to be from a broken home than to be IN a broken home.
His family are irrelevant. They are small minded bitter little people. Who are saying nasty things in order to make themselves feel better. You obviously love your little guy. Focus on him and on yourself. They are not your concern. They will keep talking but unfortunately there is little you can do aside from ignore it and focus on being the best person you can be. The added benefit is proving they are liars and idiots because it will be obvious to everyone else that they are liars. Congratulations on being clean for 4 years that is a huge acccomplishment!
I am sorry that you are struggling.
Ditch that stupid psychologist, that is fucking ridiculous to say that to you! I have had a 2 yo on chemo, and let me tell, there is so much more support that comes from every direction when you have a kid with cancer, not so much with a kid with autism and me with PND over the years...
You are a strong young woman, good on you for following your path, living your truth, that is far better for your child, than having a miserable mum who would likely relapse because of a toxic marriage and toxic relos who have too much to say.
Once you find a good therapist, you will feel better, stronger, wiser. Follow your heart, you're doing the right thing
Just wanted to add my voice to say you should be so proud of yourself for staying clean for 4 years and knowing you had to leave the relationship because you were at risk and seeing it through. You sound like an awesome Mama who has had some really really hard times. I'm so sorry you've gone thorough that. I hope you find some kind support from a new professional who can see any woman who has left an abusive relationship, separated with a young child etc is going to have some heart ache. Big hugs to you! Hope you find ways to feel better when your little one isn't with you. Your kid is lucky to have you. Xx