How have people gone about leaving their partner? Mine is a decent guy and I love him but we've recently had a baby and he's just not cut out to be a dad. I have said maybe as she gets older he will interact with her more but I just can't see it happening. He refers to her as it, will not hold her unless forced, never changes or feeds her and still expects me to do everything I did before. We don't have joint accounts and I don't currently work but I can't see it getting better. He does have aspergers but I refuse to let that be an excuse. I just don't know how to leave him, I would have to move to a small town five hours away to be near my family for support and affordability but to pack up and move is so daunting when he owns almost everything we have and I'd be relying on centerlink. He's really not a bad person just not ready to be a full time dad and I don't think he ever will be.
****UPDATE*****
The first half of this post seems to have come across wrong and many of the ladies responding on fb have taken what was written in a way I did not mean it. .
When I said I refused to let it be an excuse that he has extra needs I mean I have been trying to convince him to establish a relationship with our child as much as possible..
This includes using techniques suggested by his psychologist and his own family.
When I first wrote this I was tired and exhausted something a lot of you have somehow forgotten or chosen to not take into consideration.
Leaving has never been my first choice, I love him and I would not have chosen to have a child with him if I didn't think we we're able to do it together.
However his behaviour towards our daughter has not been something I would accept off anyone towards a child. .
That said I have subsequently read him the riot act in the last week and am pleased to say he is attempting to bond and parent more.
I'd just like to say a huge thank you to the mama's who were kind and supportive, a little kindness certainly goes a very long way.
And to the women who called me mean and heartless ect, I sincerely hope you're never stuck trying to make a hard decision that you could be vilified for. You're very much entitled to your opinion but maybe next time think before you post something so cruel and horrible.
7 Replies
Is he afraid to? Is this something so far out of his realm of normal that he has no idea and is scared he's going to fuck it up? Does he actually want to be a great dad but doesn't know how? These are the first questions I'd be asking. If he wants to these are all skills that can be learned. He'd have to want it and put in the effort.
Has anyone shown him how to hold, feed, change the baby? Is it hard for people with aspergers to develop emotional loving relationships, does it take longer for them to adjust to change? (I'm not 100% what it is) Try be patient with him and encourage him to do the care with you.
Also have you told him outright his not ready or do you use a lot of negative talk toward him ? He may be afraid to try help because his worried he will F* it up and then you will get angry at him.
Try counselling before you decide to leave for good.
Then if all else fails then move back closer to your family and slowly start your life again.
As someone who has Aspergers we tend to head in two directions with parenting. We either are superb parents who read all the books, buy all the things and tick all the parenting boxes because we treat parenting as a massive to do list. Or we don't get it at all and struggle.
I tend to be on the box ticking, obsessive parent. I am very capable of forming emotional relationships and bonding with people. Not all people with Aspergers or autism struggle with this.
A lot of his attitude to parenting, just like with all people will come from his parents attitude. So if his parents set up there lives that the women raised the babies, that what he will expect his life to be to.
People with Aspergers can and do change, IF they want to. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago and I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago, because I want to move forward, I want to see other peoples point of view and I want to make changes to make all my relationships more fulfilling. If he doesn't want that then he won't change. If he likes you doing ALL the parenting he won't change.
i also don't think Aspergers should be an excuse. I think you need to have some open conversations with him about wether he wants to learn to be hands on or wether he really wants you to do it all.
You have a couple of options to leave. Firstly if your family are prepared to put you up for awhile until you get some Centrelink payments coming in etc that is an option. It's definitely the easiest was to split. Otherwise if he is really a nice guy you could legally 'seperate under the same roof' which would give you some Centrelink payments so you can save up to leave.
I understand its hard for him but if youve tried and feel youve exhausted every effort or exhausted yourself, then my next advice wouls be to see a lawyer because leaving your child with him for custody wont be easy if he wants that. Best to cover yourself and prepare for that now the best you can. Then move to your town. Rent, share, find a granny flat, stay with family until you get on your feet. The biggest lump you really need is a bond, you can furnish your place slowly from gumtree and secondhand sales.
And take what you need from his, obviously it depends how long you lived there as to how much, but you have a baby you dont walk away with nothing unless you choose to.
You deserve to enjoy this time with your baby, and you deserve at least for it not to be any harder than it has to be. All the best.
I agree, speak with someone about all aspects because if he wants to he can also stop you from moving his child 5 hours away regardless of how little he is involved with bubs. All the best.
If you want out, then don't use his Aspergers as an excuse.
Relationships take work, extra work is required if ASD is involved. There's plenty of support and information out there, if you want it. Your child potentially will have ASD as well, how will you manage that, how would you like others in her life to be around her?
My ex has it aswell. He shuts down when he's stressed and completely zones out. So any shit that hit the fan would all be on me. If you have no other issues honestly you should work on it. Sit him down and talk about it. Often they can seem quite selfish and greedy but it's just because the condition makes it hard for them to read social cues. When I first had our son my ex just sat in the hospital room on his chair or slept while I was trying to eat and calm a crying baby. In a situation like that you woild expect someone to jump up and help. But their minds don't seem to work in that way. You need to force yourself to ask for help instead of expecting it as he won't know when he needs to help.