Please only respond with an answer not a judgement, I judge myself harshly enough.
I have three children to my ex partner. We had a very long abusive relationship. I was young & felt I couldn't get out, so shamefully I turned to a friend and we had a short affair.
I can't be sure, but one of my children is so different from the rest, she looks different, acts different and I have my suspicions that she is the result of my affair.
But she is now 11. I think it's important to know for sure, more for her growing up because she is increasingly saying she feels 'different' to the other kids. My ex however is such a horrible person & I know that if I ask him for a test he will go to the ends of the earth to ruin me and possibly take it out on our kids too... but is it right to ask the other man who has been unaware for 11 years that he may have a daughter when there is also a possibility that she isn't his?
I'm so conflicted about what to do next, I don't want to effect anyone negatively but I know in the end my actions will hurt someone either way.
6 Replies
If your going to get a DNA test to check can you not just compare your youngest child's DNA with one of your other 2 kids?
Use your other children's DNA to match your youngest, they'll be able to see the genetic difference
as the others have said, you'll be able to compare if your child has the same father as siblings through the children's DNA.
I think the most important person to think about here is your daughter. Does she know there's a possibility that her biological dad could be someone else? If so, is there a desire to find out and would she want to build a relationship with this man should he be her father? Would this man be willing to even be a part of her life? If not, that kind of rejection can be hard to cope with as an adult, much more so at the tender age of eleven!
Having the DNA tests wouldn't be my first priority at this point, have a talk to your daughter. If she feels like she wants to know and fully understands the complexities of this situation and of course ensuring she actually consents. And if you think she's mature enough to handle it, that's when I'd start looking into the DNA tests.
Also, I wish you all the best. This must be difficult for you too. Some counselling could be really beneficial for you as well xx
I think you need to seriously question whether it is worth finding out just yet. How will this affect your daughter if she did find out that she has a different dad, and what if this other dad didn't want a relationship with her? That would seriously hurt her at such a precious time in her life. If it messed up his current relationship (pending he had one) would he resent her/you and not have any contact at all?
I'd personally do it later in life when she is of an age that she could understand this much better and can make her own decision of wanting to know and being prepared for possible rejection IF they outcome is what you are thinking it could be.
Also, I wouldn't want my kids to see me in that way and know that I did that (I am not judging at all, but your kids may not understand).
My son's father did a home test when we broke up. I think it was a hair test. He didn't tell me until 2 weeks later. He doubted me but i knew it was his. He just wasn't ready to be a dad & was trying to find a away out. In saying that he has his son regularly & wouldn't change a thing lol