I am in my 30's, married with 4 beautiful children who are my whole world. But I am haunted by my past and childhood experiences. I can't stand to be around my Mum or Dad and I start to feel
Stressed, anxious and crazy.
My parents have never been affectionate or supportive and they were always more concerned with their selves than my siblings and I. We grew up in a dirty, unhappy home. I don't have many happy family memories. Dad used to be quite violent and it was usually at mums request. "Just wait until your father gets home". They let a pedophile live with us ... no guessing what happened there. I dropped out of school very young as I was told I needed to get a job because they couldn't pay my way anymore. They dropped my 16 yo sibling off at a factory to work full time for $200pw and quit school. Then there were the suicide attempts that weren't really attempts, but being told when you are 8 that your parent is going to shoot themselves and then not seeing them for 2 days is not good. They literally made one bad decision after the other that we have had to try to try to heal from. We are okay and have sorted our loves out to a degree, but both still find it difficult to think of our upbringing and it's still very raw for both of us. I left my parents with my children for an hour and came back to crying, upset kids after they were yelled and screamed at over nothing. I feel awful for not wanting to be around them as I know life is short and they're the only parents I am ever going to have. But I really start to feel vulnerable and slightly crazy whenever I am around them. I would like nothing more than to have a loving extended family but I do not think that would be possible after all that has happened. I feel mostly happy and fine whenever there is distance between us. But then I feel immense guilt for feeling that way. Anyone ever been in a similar situation?
Childhood trauma and family issues
Childhood trauma and family issues
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt, Health & Wellbeing
7 Replies
You are not obliged to keep toxic people in your life just because they're family.
I know you want to have a loving, supportive relationship with them but I really think that ship has sailed.
I think you should definitely consider counselling, they'll help you work through all of these issues.
P.s. I'm so sorry you had to endure that growing up xx
It's the same feelings that keep women from abusive relationships returning to abusive exes.
You are conditioned to feel guilty for not seeing them, despite there atrocious behaviour.
You and your siblings really do need to stop contact with them. There is no way in hell you should leave your kids with them.
It's hard cutting contact but a psychologist can really help you move through this.
I don't think you can heal from these experiences (well feel a bit better about them, I don't think you can 100 percent "get over it") until you stop contact with your parents. It's such a sad situation, but they are most definitely a trigger for you. Guilt, it's the thing we all feel when we are in abusive relationships, it's the worst, but you have nothing to feel guilty about for stopping contact with them, you are protecting yourself, something they never did It might not be forever, you might get treatment, set up healthy boundaries and see them once a month or work out a plan with your therapist, good luck, you and your sister deserve some peace in your life.
Oh honey, it's perfectly okay to feel like this. It's a side effect of shitty upbringings and societies expectations. It sucks so much though. My parents were disgustingly abusive and as a result I have extreme ptsd and will not see them unless it's on my terms. Their home is filthy and I have had to relearn how to keep a house nice after growing up in that environment. I won't have them near my child unless I am present at all time as well as my partner as they make me feel like I'm crazy for not trusting them. Set boundaries and stick to them as much as you can. Talk to the rest of your family about how you're feeling and explain that you want your children to grow up loved and that means that your parents are not going to be overly involved in your lives as you feel that they are not able to care about anyone other themselves. Stay firm with your decision. It's hard but I would die if I found out my parents had done even half the stuff to my child they did to me and my sister.
Much love babe, and be strong x
It seems weird to me that you would leave your kids with these people?
Have they reformed their ways? Are they regretfull of how they treated you when you were a child?
If not then maybe you have eggagerated the situation a bit cause otherwise I don't know why you would leave your kids with someone like that?
How can you not comprehend that the IM just wants to feel loved and cared for by her parents, doesn't mean she's exaggerating. They're still her parents. The only parents she'll ever have, and it's hard to get to that point of letting go, it can take years
No fucking way would I leave my kids with those people! Nor would I be around them. I am sorry they were such shithouse parents. You do not have to maintain a relationship with your abusers. Don't listen to idiots who tell you otherwise, they didn't live your life did they? It's called self preservation, and if seeing them is triggering you then no way no how!
i grew up without a dad (he died when I was little) and I have never ever told someone they should appreciate their father, spend time with their father, unless they want to, only because he's a good loving kind person, not purely because he's your dad and somewhere deep down he loves you, in his weird way, or he had a hard life, bla bla, excuses, excuses
Take care of you first and foremost, and protect your kids. Google 'toxic relationships with parents', Jeff Brown talks about it on his FB page, he makes a lot of sense