Poor yourself a glass of wine and bare with me lovelies.
So in August my partner and I are going away for 3days to my little sister's wedding. We have organised for my MIL to come to our place (that took some convincing) while we're gone. We are leaving Saturday, wedding Sunday and driving home Monday(8hr drive). I think it'll be easier for her staying at our house as all 3 of our kids will be comfortable here (2yo, 5yo and 10yo with Aspergers) and I won't have to worry about making sure we've packed everything for school etc.
This will be my first time away from all 3 kids ever. My 10yo has had a few sleep overs at friends, my 5yo has had a couple nights away and my 2yo has never spent the night away so that in itself is causing me some stress being away from them.
But the thing stressing me out the most is the fact that mater 5 hates my MIL(literally his words not mine). When he was 3 and a half, we left him and my older son at my MIL while my partner and I went out for dinner. On the way there he was putting his fingers down his throat trying to make himself sick so he wouldn't have to go, when we left her house he screamed and cried for an hour until he fell asleep and since then it's only been in emergencies I've had her watch the kids. She never does anything with my kids. We had a BBQ the other week and she sat there the whole time. I spent 2hours kicking balls, pushing swings, making smores, playing hide and seek and she did nothing to interact with my kids (even after I tried to include her). All her other grandkids live interstate, and when she has her yearly visits she takes them to the park, ice cream, builds cubby houses, yet my kids are literally a 5minute drive away and she doesn't do anything.
I've tried and tried talking to my partner about it, (even before my sister set a date) and told him I'm over it. I've even gotten to the point that on the weekend I told my partner that if I/the kids aren't comfortable with her staying while we go away, than he'll be staying and I'll go by myself. How can I get it into both of their heads she needs to spend time with our kids?
7 Replies
I think you need to make a different plan. Your partner can't change his mother. You can't make your partner change his mother.
Its not normal for a child to put there hands down there throat to avoid another person. That to me would be end of story.
If there's one thing I've learned through this parenting gig, it's that you cannot force a grandparents (or anyone really) to be active participants in your kids lives.
If it's going to be that distressing to leave them with your Mil, go alone! Have a blast celebrating your sisters wedding. Let hubby stay home, I'm sure your sister would understand his absence.
If you're not satisfied with the level of supervision or interaction, even general care don't leave them with her.
I had to leave my 3 with my mil once, I came home to my 3 babies on the lawn with smoke pouring out the front door.
It probably sounds a bit dramatic to some but don't leave your kids with someone you're not comfortable with (be it family or not) or someone the kids aren't comfortable with.
You'll never relax otherwise.
If that were me I wouldn't be leaving them with her and if you have no one else that you trust to look after them then I would definitely get hubby to stay behind.
I can't of disagree with the others, I actually think this might be what you all need to make a serious change in the family relationships. It sounds like you're a very active and involved mother which could be why she doesn't get up and play because she sees you as been wanting to do it, if that makes sense? Although I love my sisters kids her enthusiastic involvement with them actually makes me want to sit back and just let them play. You not been there might relax her a bit, and having them alone for 3 days might give her time to bond with them and form more of an attachment. I think the fact she agrees to doing this for you speaks volumes, even if she is hesitant and not verbalising her excitement, I believe if she truly didn't want to she wouldn't as it's a big ask, so I could see her easily been able to decline and just say she wouldn't be used to it etc. as for your son not liking her, I used to hate my grandparents! I don't think that's as abnormal as you think! If they don't bond much with her then all they see her as is an old smelly person that eats weird food, watches lame shows and is quiet and boring! I used to make myself sick when I was a toddler to get out of things too, I wasn't abused, I just didn't want to go, and it was also about not wanting my mother to leave me. I think it's going to be hard for your MIL and for your kids, but sometimes the benefits outweigh the hard moments in life. Just think if they make it through this weekend you could have a completely different situation from here on! You're kids needs to learn to be away from you for a few days too, they will find it hard with anyone not just your MIL. I think if you cancel with her now it will just make things worse, why don't you see if you have anyone else that could come take them somewhere for a few hours to break it up? Or give your MIL some cash to go take them to get ice cream or to see a movie!
My youngest developed a strong dislike to my mil, he would cry to come home on days I was at work, the oldest loved going over there. Turns out she played favorites with my boys, the oldest being the favorite and the youngest getting abused. He got smacked when he screamed, even though the older brother was the cause (taking toys, picking on him), the last straw was me finding everything out and my boys both admitting that my youngest had an accident, at 4 years old, and she took his dirty underwear and wiped shit on him, "to teach him a lesson", her words not mine. She's no longer allowed around my boys alone, emergency or not. I just wish I would've paid attention to the signs earlier so he wouldn't have had to go through that!!
My MIL lives 5 min away & spends no time with our kids - when she does visit there isn't alot of interaction with the kids. She was like this a mother - not alot of hugs, cuddles, play time etc. I would never leave my kids alone with her as she doesn't want to be. Find a new plan - surely your sister can understand this ?
That's a big ask for someone on their own, and in someone else's house.
We went to a wedding in Fiji for 4 days, leaving 2 kids 5 and 2 and no one family member could do the whole time, so we split it amongst mil, bil and my mum. My youngest was a handful, later dx with autism.
In your case, how relaxed will you be, do you think you'll be able to enjoy yourself while away, knowing it's a bloody long drive to get back quickly? If you take the kids, is there someone who can mind them for the night? Or is it best to go on your own, that way you can be fully absorbed in wedding stuff? Are you in the wedding? What does hubby want to do?
I would not be leaving them with someone they don't feel connected to or loved by. I'm wondering if the annual grandkids are her daughters kids? Also, it's easier to put on a show for a short period of time....
We flew interstate for a relative's wedding, took our 3 teen/tweens who weren't invited to the wedding. We rented a huge house near the wedding venue, filled it with us 5 and family members attending the wedding, and a friend came n stayed for the weekend to mind the kids that night.
We all had a fabulous weekend!