HELP
My daughter is in her early 20's and has very mild Aspergers. In her case it effects general social skills. To most people she comes across as a bit quirky or odd but not like there is anything wrong with her at all and that is how she has been raised. Our problem is over the last few years her refusal to abide by basic social guidelines has lead to her being fired from every job she has had and we don't know what to do anymore to help her.
She moved out with a friend two years ago which didn't last long because she refused to do any household jobs and her lack of hygiene became an issue (she rarely brushes her teeth and will put off showering for days at a time when I'm not there to make her). When she came home she wanted to continue the behaviour which was not acceptable. She has two younger siblings who tend to copy her behaviour. Her brother in particular will treat me the same way he sees her behaving and currently thinks finishing high school means being able to play online all day, every day. Not to mention she wants to sit and talk to them about things well beyond their years. (She has a problem differentiating between how to speak to people, for example she will speak to her 10 year old brother the same way she speaks to her friends and about the same topics. She will backchat her boss the same way she speaks to a friend she is having a disagreement with). She has tried to blame me for her how strained things are when she is living at home but has been asked to leave two other family members homes who offered to have her to take the strain off us for the same reasons. She is about to move home again and I feel sick at the idea. This is not how you're meant to feel about your own child!!!!! 😥 Before she first moved out I was prescribed antidepressants and every time she comes back I find myself having to go back to them. I'm concerned about the effect she is having on her siblings. Her father is at his wits end and none of us can find a solution.
She looses job after job and always for the same reasons and the things she had learned about appropriate behaviour in different situations she seems to feel shouldn't apply to her any more.
What do I do??????? There was a whole range of services to help her before she was 18 but then nothing! She has some friends but they can only take her in small doses. From the outside she seems like a normal kids with a few quirks but for anyone who spends time with her she is intolerable. She has often had people refuse to work with her.
Do I let her move home again and watch the terrible affect she has on her brother and sister and her Dad and I? Do I tell her that enough is enough and put her on the street because there is no one else in the family willing to try any more? I don't know what to do. I desperately want to find a way to help her but we've tried everything we can and nothing works any more. I've looked and looked for services or programs that could help but there is nothing. She either isn't considered affected enough by her autism or she is too old. We have even considered getting an additional loan on the house and buying some sort of granny flat but we simply can't afford it. I will always love my girl but I feel like if something doesn't change the damage between us will be irreparable. I want to help her but I don't know how and she doesn't want to try. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. We've been to psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health programs, medication, school assistants, no medication, cutting out different foods......... We don't live in or near a city.
What do I do????? What can I do that I haven't already tried???? She won't try. It's everyone else with the problem.
I'm genuinely at the end of my rope. How do you manage issues like these once they are adults?
6 Replies
Honestly as someone with Aspergers, She needs consequences for her actions.
But the rules need to start low and then increase as she masters the original rules. Almost like you'd do with a child learning how to do there chores. Go back to parenting basics.
Does she have an online support group for those with ASD?
Eg she is allowed to have access to the internet IF she brushes her teeth. Once that's mastered she is allowed internet after a shower and brushing a teeth.
I get it, I'm raising an adult son on the spectrum myself. Sometimes I have to re-parent on particular issues. At the moment we are reparenting on eating with a knife and fork.
I'd stop referring or thinking of her as mildly Aspergers. She isn't mildly Aspergers. I'd also look into disability payments for her. Currently she isn't able to work. Expecting her to work is unrealistic. She doesn't have the social skills. She might be able to manage part time work in a job where she is left to do her thing.
The transition from school to work can be incredibly difficult for some with Aspergers and autism and a lot of us have breakdowns around that time.
I'd continue to try psychology, and psychiatry. You don't ever stop doing them, they are ongoing. I'm in my 40s and still work regularly with one.
I'd also look at the resources (books etc.) available from the Hearts and Minds clinic and also look up Jeanette Perkins au and her resources. Jeanette is an autistic advocate.
Brilliantly said!
I think youre underestimating what a high support needs child you have. Youre doing a wonderful job raising her, she is very demanding and she needs that care and support. Its so hard on you, but she actually cant do it alone, she needs you.
I think its time to start finding a longer term plan for her. A caravan or granny flat space in someones place, yourself or someone you know.
Could she study online or does she have any passions she could volunteer at?
Try to help her find her place in the world and also connect with other parents in this situation, needingto care for your kids into their adult life must be incredibly stressful on you -find others to help and support you and give you ideas.
Another great response
Firstly, there's no such thing as mild. And she's certainly not coping, so nothing mild going on there.
Perhaps read up on autism and aspergers, particularly in young women.
You don't ever stop seeking help and support.
Join a support group.
See a psychologist.
Take her to get an up dated assessment and follow up treatment
Apply for the NDIS if it's in your area, or start preparing for it
Look into disability support payment thru Centrelink and specialized employment seeker services
Go back to basics, have set house rules, visual cues, task/chore list and consequences. I live with my aspy teens and we sat down as housemates (we moved house recently) and went thru a list of chores/responsibilities and we delegated accordingly. Everyone contributed to the conversation, and everyone contributes to the running of the household in some way. My 20 yo undiagnosed aspy daughter comes home from uni for 2 weeks at a time and throws us all out, so I'm introducing the new rules to her slowly. She's not coping well and is seeing a counselor. I've suggested an ASD assessment but I can't push it. It's tough watching them struggle.
The more you understand and accept your daughter as having autism and all that entails, the more she will as well. But it would be less stressful for you and the family if she has a professional explain it all to her.
Some family counseling might be helpful too, but you and dad need a safe space to vent/cry/rage as well.
It all takes times, and a lot is trial and error
I don't have any advice but i know what you're going through. My sister is exactly the same as your daughter.
If you want some advice from a sibling who has grown up in a similar home, then don't stress, myself and my other sister know about our older sister and how sometimes she can be intolerable (especially with the hygiene and not cleaning thing), but we know that she is a little different and we just try our hardest to help her and accept her for who she is. Somethings you can't change, you just have to manage. The only suggestion i can give is speak with your daughter, tell her how her actions are affecting you. Tell her what you expect from here, make her have a routine that you monitor, i know it's annoying but sometimes its the only thing that helps.
Speak with your other children, let them know about how their older sister is different, they'll come to understand.
How you described your daughter sounds so much like my sister its shocking!
We are in the same boat about employment and social interaction.
We aren't lucky enough to have a fantastic mother like you to help us, but we manage.
Don't abandon her and put her on the streets, just be tough but open and honest.
Good luck!!