I don’t know what Im really asking…..but I need help. My marriage is over – has been for years – but we stayed together for the sake of the kids. We are preparing the house to sell. I have four children – 14 and under. My kids have great friends and a great life in our country town. The issue is I want to leave. I need to get away and start again. My head needs to be in a better place – and I feel so smothered in this town. I know in my heart taking the kids away (about 4 hrs away ) from their father is wrong. He has done nothing wrong – he loves his kids as much as I do. And I know the older kids would be devastated taking them away from their friends.
I don’t know what to do. Is it better to take them and give them a new start on the coast – and hope they settle – with visits back “home” every second weekend? Or is it even conceivable to be the one who walks away – and be the parent who gets them every second weekend and holidays? Do mothers do that for the sake of their kids? It seems so wrong. Everything seems so wrong. I am so lost. And so unhappy.
Is there a way to do it? Because I cant see it…………..
Letting my children down...........
Letting my children down...........
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
4 Replies
I think before you start making these big life altering decisions, you need to get away for a bit and clear your head. Do you have someone you could go and stay with for a few weeks?
As for the kids staying with Dad and you get the visits, if that's what they want and that's what you and your husband want, then it's not wrong - you're doing what's in everyone's best interest. People will have their opinions but who cares what they think?!
I really think you need to talk to your husband and kids about all this first though, just so you can make these decisions together.
I think walking away is enough uprooting for the kids. You can make a fresh start without moving far away. Can you just put up with that town until the kids are old enough to decide what they want? Kids need their mother. I think moving away from them wouldn't be right. Take them with you if you have to but they will soon tire of the 4 hour trip there and back every second weekend. Stay where u are for now. Put up with it until they are old enough to leave if you still need to.
I'm sorry that you are so unhappy and so lost. Have you talked to a counsellor at all about how you are feeling? Surely in that town you would also have friends that would want to love, care and support you as well? Are you moving away or running away? While moving away might be what you need, is it what your children need? I think that your children need to come first. I'm sure they didn't ask to have their parents to divorce? They already have to deal with a mother and father not being together. A family unit being torn apart. That in itself is traumatic enough. Making them start a new life with no friends and no Dad just because your not happy seems selfish and not at all about them. Moving away from them also seems selfish. Sometimes it's not all about us. It's about what's best for our kids. They need their Mum and Dad and stability. I understand that you can't do that as one but you both still have important roles in your children's lives and to me that would be a number 1 priority.
Actually, considering what your kids say they want & basing your life decision on their feelings at the time, is fraught with problems .... The kids are not old enough to be facing such a tough and divisive situation to make a judgement on, their feelings will change frequently & their moods will be up & down, you the IM will probably be just as confused if not more so .... When you decide on one thing & think everyone's on board with it then you will find a couple of nights later that your child is sobbing in bed cos that's NOT what they want now. Then YOU get the guilt trips, the anxiety, the everything, decide you have to move back & make plans to do so, then a week before the removalists come again to now move you back, your eldest decides that no he should've given it more time so stay .... Or your daughter says she was so keen to leave for her & your dske to not get messed up any further from this home situation, to then say how she really doesn't want a broken family & she'll miss not seeing dad so much....
Speaking from experience. Twice I've tried to move from my desperately miserable & abusive situation, and the kids have been all over the place & I've allowed myself to be swayed & accommodating & etc to their ever-changing feelings & needs & have changed my organised plans & foregone my new vision, instead of looking after myself which would actually be better for Them too!
It is extremely hard being in your situation, I dont have a clear-cut answer, but if you look at your situation clearly & unfudgedly (uninfluenced by others, see it for what it is for You and Your life, whilst still being a good mum taking on board how best to do it for your kids) I'm sure you will make it work.