My partner and I have been together 2 and a half years and about 8 months into the relationship he cheated on me and the woman got pregnant. I didn't find out until a month before he was born and we worked through the really hard time in our relationship. I am fortunate enough to have a beautiful 13 month old stepson. The mother is continually difficult to deal with and constantly uses the son as ammunition against my partner and I and were really trying to stay involved and positive. Can anyone give advise on how to best deal with the situation?
Trying to deal with the difficult mistress who had a child
Trying to deal with the difficult mistress who had a child
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
13 Replies
Wow you didnt find out? He hid it from you? Do you think its possible the other woman was also fed a load ofbullsit and lies but shes been left holding the baby? And has to send the baby there, to a coward of a guy that lied, cheated, manipulated then jumped ship and probably showed the worst traits to her, and the woman who now completely forgives him but calls her the mistress. That might contribute to a hard coparenting relationship. Its all dirty and to have a child involved in it, it would be devastating for her. I dont think theres an easy solution but time and gentle respect.
He didn't really let it sink in properly until he told me. He's a wonderful man who made a mistake, I've made mistakes, not on that level, but I think everyone's going to make them. It's how you move on from those mistakes that's important. He made it clear there was no future with her from he beginning. I appreciate the feedback, I'm just at point of absolute frustration.
Did he have a one night stand or an affair? That matters because of feelings, and also making it clear to her there is no future. Was that at 8months pregnant? Im not trying to say hes a bad guy but logic tells me when a woman has gone out of her way at some point to inform him in order to allow him to act as a dad, then makes it hard, then somethings happened, shes been burnt and I am probably biased but I would put money on it that she has due cause rather than she doesn't.
Have you spoken to her about the whole thing, cleared the air and see if your stories are the same?
If hes left her at 8months and youve decided to be with him then, well now you two saying 'we're just trying to be positive' would really grate you. At this stage it should be just him trying to parent.
I don't think this poster is asking if she should have stayed... clearly she wanted to and she has bonded with the child. It is more based on how to handle parenting with the mother not cooperating etc.
I dont know how you read that into it, you completely missed the point. Its not about the op!! The point is being understanding towards the other womans situation. She has her own story and you probably dont know most of it. She is your boyfriends ex and he will always have a relationship with her now, he really needs to build a good one based on honesty and respect. Then he'll know why the mother has issues/concerns etc and he can listen and work them out.
I agree, maybe she's not at a point of sweeping it all under the carpet like the op, maybe she has been burnt in a mega way by a cheating arsehole and isn't ready to play happy coparenting families. Maybe she didn't know she was the other woman? Sounds very toxic, don't know many women who would be all sunshine and rainbows about this (except the op who calls getting another woman pregnant when in a relationship a "mistake"). You're naive op, if you think this is going to be all lovely, it's not a normal coparenting relationship, it's a toxic, deceitful mess that your partner created. Urghhhhh...he's disgraceful and I doubt very much you know the full story or even know the real him.
Also its been 13 months now, has anything happened in that time? You might not know whats gone on, but did you see the coparenting relationship working out at any point in that time?
Has he tried to rebuild a relationship with her and show her some respect and kindness? Is he still doing the 'I choose you 100% now, shes dead to me' act for your benefit?
Was she ever happy for him to be involved and trying to make his visits work?
Do you have any clues about it at all? Whats annoyed her? Is he unreliable, contactable, is he available and interested, does he listen to her and follow through on routines, bottles, milk, sleep, sun, safety, etc? Is he (and are you) respectful about her and her parenting?
I agree, so much we don't know, such pertinent questions.. Labelling her difficult is very easy, but looking at the situation and finding out why is so very important.
You just have to rise above it
Sorry I know this seems stupid!
It's what I keep telling myself so it doesn't seem stupid to me at all. It's kind of a vent I guess
Did any of you read it wrong or something because it reads that they were already in a relationship and at the 8 month mark he cheated on her (doesn't say how long for) and the woman he cheated with got pregnant. i don't condone that someone should cheat and get away with it but it sounds like they've worked through it all but are finding it hard to deal with the mother using the child against them.
To the original poster- I would suggest you all sit down and have a talk about what's best for your stepson and go from there. Like you said stay positive and make sure you both stay involved so you don't lose out on time with him.
So if he hadn't impregnated her, you wouldn't have found out about him cheating on you?
He needs to deal with the mess he made. Why are you getting involved with the child's mother? Maybe that's what's pissing her off. I wouldn't want to deal with my ex's gf in regard to my children. Perhaps in time, once I could see she was good to my kids, and they liked her, AND my heart had healed, then I'd look at building a relationship with her.
Don't be angry at this woman. It's your guy who put you in this mess, by putting his (unprotected) dick in someone else....
Have some compassion and understanding toward her. Who knows what crap he's been spinning to both of you...