Firstly I'd just like to say how overwhelming it was to read all the beautiful responses I received in such a vulnerable time ❤️
We decided to not abort and continue with the pregnancy. I went into spontaneous labour at 33 weeks VBAC'd my 4pd 2oz baby boy. He was also breech and only 16 months after my first cesarean.
He was with us for two hours before he passed peacefully on his own terms and we were lucky enough to spend the next two days with him in hospital getting to know our beautiful boy.
We are both devastated but at the same time we are at peace with the decision we made.
I cannot thank you all enough for the pure and genuine support ❤️
Original post:
I have very unfortunately been put in a position where a late term abortion is the best option for our baby. I am currently 21 weeks gestation.
Originally we said that this would never be an option for us but the further along I have got in the pregnancy the more apparent all of the complications have become.
Because we said this would never be an option we never asked of the process in which this is performed. We are terrified and heart broken. We are also struggling with an emence amount of guilt.
We currently know our baby's heart has two complications called Pulmonary Atrecia (no lung valve) and VSD (ventricular septal defect). To add to that our baby has scoliosis of the spine (bend in spine), the fibular bone in both legs have not formed, feet are incorrectly attatched (bending ineards as if you were walking on your outer ankle) and six toes on each foot (not the worst thing the happen). Also, there is an issue with the penis (can't remember what it was called) that can directly relate to he absence of an anus (the anus is not viewable on ultrasound).
Also I have had a previous cesarean and was informed that at this stage in pregnancy I would be offered an induction abortion. Can this affect my scar and future pregnancies? What would be the chance of needing a cesarean for an abortion because I would like to avoid this. I was aiming for a VBAC.
I would like to know any information on late term abortions, how to manage the feelings of guilt, how many regret their decisions whichever way you chose and any other information you feel would help me?
Thankyou for reading through. I know it's long and I've kept it as short as possible. The emotions surrounding this are immeasurable and we are hurting so please be as gentle as possible.
16 Replies
I'm very sorry you both are going through this. I can only imagine what an emotional toll this will be taking on you. You really need to talk to your doctor about your medical enquires. They are the best source to get your answers from. Next I am in queensland and there is a wonderful not for profit organisation called children by choice. They offer counselling, guidance and information in this area. If you are in another state it would be worth while connecting with a similar service to assist you through this process.
I just want to send you a big hug. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Speak to your doctor, as its an extremely emotional time, perhaps write your questions down and get all the information you need. Xxx
Oh mumma... I'm so sorry. I don't know you but I'm reading this on my lunch break at working and tearing up. I'm sorry I can't help but I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and your whole family. I hope that some wise women here and medical profession will be able to offer you the right kind of help and advice.
I'm sorry about the guilt...please try to get counselling as quickly as possible for all involved. This is an unimaginable road to go down on, but as you said at the start, this is the best option for your baby. Again, I'm so so sorry.
I'm not sure whether this is an option...and I'm sorry, I really don't want this to come across as careless or insensitive...may be ask if you could call upon services of Heartfelt? This is a not for profit organization (all services are free) of professional photographers, who could take delicate photos of the bubba as keepsakes/memories.
I'm sorry I have no medical advice, but sending you lots of love, what a heartbreaking situation xxxxx
I am so sorry. I hope someone has the answers you're looking for.
I had this procedure at 21 weeks. It is a 2 day procedure on the first day they insert rods so that you dilate. I didn't feel anything. The next day you have the termination. It was a sad time but luckily I didn't feel much after. Good luck and only you and your partner have to come to terms with your decision.
Im sorry this is happening to you. My angel baby April was diagnosed with left heart syndrome and the possibility of being born with brain damage was very high. We terminated the pregnancy at 23wks geststion. You give birth naturally and spend as long as you like with bubs. Take photos etc. The hospitsl should be able to walk you througj the process. My only regrett is not going full term...but then i suppose i didnt habe to deal with all the when are you due questions etc.
Look after you x
You have another option. You don't have to put yourself through this just because the medical profession Has offered this option. You can have your VBAC at term. You can birth your beautiful baby & have him on your chest skin to skin. If his condition truly is not compatible with life & he will not survive once he is born (or you've made the decision not to put him through invasive life saving procedures because it will only cause him pain & it won't save him) then that may be the outcome but at the very least you can hold him until he peacefully passes away. Then you & your partner can spend time with him, take photos (there's an organisation called heartfelt that can do professional pics for you) & if you want to you can have him in a cooled cot in the room with you so your friends & family can visit. You don't have to induce labour at 21 weeks if you don't want to. Ultimately that means your baby will be born so premature that he can't live. If you deliver at term you're not aborting him, you're birthing him & preventing his suffering. I don't envy your decision. It's absolutely devastating but don't let them decide what's best for you. As another poster said she regrets going full term because she doesn't know what the true result would have been. Obviously going to term will also be difficult as you know there are complications but you don't have to do this now. You can wait until he comes on his own. You can give yourself time to work it out.
This is definitely an option for us. The only thing we worry about is that by carrying to full term the final decision is taken out of our hands. It will be up to a senior doctor to make the decision on whether to try and save our baby or not. I also worry that if the baby is born alive that emotionally I will not cope if they do not try to save him. I can only imagine begging for him to be ok and being so helpless.
Is continuing with the pregnancy an option? I am def pro choice re abortion, but am wondering if it makes it any easier if you aren't making such a heart wrenching decision at this time. Allow nature to take its course?
So many babies/children have defied the odds, have lived better lives than what was predicted... I honestly don't know... go with what is in your heart
Love and strength to you xx
I was in a similar situation. My doctor offered professional counseling services, at first I didn't accept but as days went on I realized that I needed help. She helped me realize that whatever choice I made on behalf of my child was the best choice I could make given my circumstances and that any choice I made did not change how much I loved and will continue to love my child. I ended up not having the procedure. My body was already going into pre-term labor on it's own and I was still very much in denial. It was very late into the pregnancy and I was not emotionally or mentally prepared. (Nobody is ) My partner was not supportive either, he was in shock, and I decided to give birth as naturally as possible and be able to meet my child. It was the worst feeling but it was also the best having my baby for a few minutes. I think this was the best choice for me because I didn't really think straight at the time and almost let the doctors decide for me. I was very lost but I was glad that I stuck through and was able to peacefully give my daughter a proper burial and celebration of life, no matter how short. I didn't want to worry about what I should have done. I won't lie, seeing her struggling for life was hard but this is why this decision is yours. Look into your heart, I am sure that you have an idea of what you feel would be best for you. Whatever you decide I wish you nothing but the best, I will send hugs your way. Blessings for you. Know that you are strong, you are capable of overcoming this. We will never forget but we will carry on stronger than ever before. <3
You're very rave for making that decision. I have had a follow up appointment to discuss my options and at the moment I am trying to choose which option I think will effect my mental state the least. I'm very torn between the abruptness of my injection to stop our baby's heart and the panic I think I'll feel if I carry to term and watch my baby struggling to survive.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was pregnant 1 year ago and our baby had a defect in which every specialist we spoke to described as "incompatible with life" so we made the heartbreaking decision to terminate. I was 16 weeks - not as far as you so i had a few more options. The emotion some days is heavy, but I have a fantastic psychologist and have gotten to a much better mindset since. It truely, truely takes time. For months I thought i was dealing (i wasn't) until 1 day I just fell apart, but because of that day i sought the help i needed (I highly recommend a psychologist when you feel ready - your doctor can refer you). It's a long process and in my situation we made our decision based on what we could both physically and mentally prepare and cope with at that time. This is a decision that you will live with so you need to feel comfortable. There are days I look back and regret floods me, but I feel confident that we made the decision that was right for us at the time. I too sought opinions of others but ultimately it's a decision only you (and your partner) can make. It's shit and it's hard but trust yourself and go with your gut. Also I'm not a medical professional but I don't think a Csection would be necessary in your case unless you went to full term. Writing down questions to ask is a good idea because you forget once you're sitting in their office and you need all the info you can get/handle to make an informed decision.
Thank you for sharing. I have been seeing a psychologist to originally deal with the trauma from my first birth. I was a lot like you in that one day I just realised I wasn't coping anymore. I would like to say it's helped with both situations but I think it will be a struggle until we make a decision, follow it and grieve. I was subconsciously hoping I would find a way out that would have little or no emotional impact but I'm coming to terms with the fact that this is unrealistic. There is no easy way out and no matter what we choose there will be suffering.
I'm so sorry you are faced with possibly the world's most difficult decision. If it's OK, I'd like to share my story with you, just to let you know I understand.
When pregnant with our third, I was diagnosed very early on with a subchorionic hematoma. Essentially I had a massive blood clot in my uterus that would frequently bleed, threatening a miscarriage. Like you, abortion was never ever on our radar, I couldn't understand how anyone could possibly do that.
On one of my many trips to the emergency department, we had juts learned that the bleeding had entered the amniotic sac. Obviously this would have dire consequences for the health of our son. We were informed that if the pregnancy continued, our boy would be born with many and varied complications. Still, I refused to give up on him. I wanted to give him a chance.
A few minutes later our hearts shattered as my husband and I watched a mother carrying her very disabled son through the emergency department. He was the sickest child I've ever seen. In that moment we saw not only our future, but our son's as well. My husband and I looked at each other and just knew. We made our decision based on the fact that we simply couldn't bring our child into the world to live a life of suffering. And we also considered the implications for our other two children.
I was sent home for the emergency department with an appointment time to see my gynecologist the next day for another ultrasound to see how he was doing and to make a final decision with her.
During that night, I woke at around 2am and felt completely different. A sense of stillness and emptiness.
We attended our appointment the next day and were not at all surprised that our little man had taken the decision out of our hands for us. He had gone, his little heart beat had stopped. I was silly enough to ask my gyny why. She told me in a gentle way what had physically happened to him but I'll spare you the details. I was scheduled for D and C the next day.
The reason I'm telling you all this (not something I've ever shared in detail before) is because I want you to know that I understand, although it was taken out of our hands in the end, what it's like to have to make such a painful decision, especially when it goes against your normal beliefs. And I understand what the guilt feels like. I also understand the desire to let them go rather than bring them into a world of suffering.
Please know that you are certainly far from alone, sadly there have been way too many people in this horrible position. Having said all that, it is a decision that only you and your partner can make and one that you can make peace with no matter which way you choose. Best wishes for whatever is to come.
I appreciate this immensely! Thankyou for sharing your story. We had hoped for nature to take its course so we didn't have to make a decision but he's still happy in there. I hope that you can feel some solace in that your heart ache has helped me with mine ❤️