I've been talking with a guy I met online, I've met up with him, the thing is I'm a single mum with 100% care of my 7 year old daughter so it's hard to get some free time, he wants to come and hang out in the evening some nights once she's in bed, she doesn't like the idea of mummy having a boyfriend and she cries and hides and won't talk to me about it so I feel like I can't ever have him come around incase she was to wake up, she would freak out and I don't want to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable in her home. I could have him come around on weekends during the day but she's bound to do the same thing. Any ideas on helping her cope with the fact that mummy will one day have a boyfriend. Thank you
5 Replies
As some one who was once been just like your 7 year old daughter, I'd say warm her up and take your time.
I always felt like my mum rushed things. In hind sight, she probably didn't because she probably was talking to this guy ages before she ever told me. But she would always tell me about him and then next minute he would be hanging around or coming over the next day and that used to make me uncomfortable.
Warn her that you might get a boyfriend sometime soon. Give her a week. Tell her you've been talking to a really lovely guy. Give her another week or two, and then tell her this guy wants to meet her and that he is really nice but that she can have a couple of weeks to come around to the idea but that you want to know what she thinks of him because YOU think he is really great and you like him.
I think the most important thing is that she feels like she has some control. She's probably going to feel very protective and/or jealous. But give her some control, warning before she meets him and then maybe give her choices of how she'd like to meet him (does she want to go for milkshakes or meet at her fav park?)...
My mum was alway very matter-of-fact and would say things like "it's time I started doing something for me. I am always on my own and I've been on my own so long because of you kids..." or "this is my time to start putting me first" or "I'm doing this for me" and that always made me feel like shit, like I always held her back from the things she wanted and like I was a burden, yet I couldn't help but feel VERY protective and it was always very hard on my mental health whenever she'd have a new boyfriend..
I will add, I think you can be matter-of-fact in some areas. Like if she protests you actually having the boyfriend, you can tell her that's not her choice and that you have made your decision but to give her her own options regarding him. She might even decide she doesn't want to meet him, which you can say is fine but you will continue to see him. You've got choices and she's got choices.
I think youhave three options. Have him over secretly or let her know youre having a friend over later that she doesnt meet or let her know youre having a boyfriend over that she does meet.
i do understand its hard but i would wait longer than one meeting before having him over to yours, youre a single mum thats an easy target you dont know what people are like.
As a single mum myself. I'd need at least a month or two of seeing him before I invited him to my house with my child there, asleep or otherwise.
One date and some chatting on the phone or internet doesn't equal a guy I should bring into my home around my child asleep or otherwise.
Your daughter is anxious for a reason. Why? Help her with it.
I am a step-mum and my step-daughter was VERY cautious of me at first. She burst into tears the first time we met and ran into her room. And then if my (now husband) would ever kiss me she would glare at him and climb onto his lap and demand kisses from him too (obviously not on the lips). She is now 9, my husband and I have been married for 2 years and she and I are the best of friends; she picks riding in my car over driving with her Dad, and we spend hours baking or doing craft. It honestly only took about 2 weeks of hanging out for her to be ok with me. I made sure I made every bit of time about her and not about her Dad, and her Dad made sure she understood that I was important too. I think if the person you see puts your daughter first, she will adjust better, but she also needs to learn that if this guy is going to be around for the long haul, that your relationship with him is important too.