Mr 13 is refusing to go to school. Please help.
It's been going on 3 months of inconsistency of him attending school for a day or two, then refusing to go to the remaining. Last week he went twice, this week nothing.
I feel I have done all that I can think of;
- Sat down with him and to figure out what the issues are.
- Met up with the student counsellor & physiologist at the school. Thought we had progress.
- His principle excluded his attendance for two classes. Which turned out to be the problem.
- Spent multiple one on one times with him
- He says he's not being bullied and has a good circle of friends
- Involved extended family for additional support.
- Countless conversations with the school for additional help and assistance.
- Organised for him to help out around the school with the Chaplin in the mornings.
- He also has mild anxiety to which he sees a private physiologist once a week.
And so much more. I'm now at that stage of considering home schooling him, as he's only in year 7 and he's continuing to not attend school.
What works against me is, I'm a single mum working FT. We cannot afford for me to quit work or work PT, it's not an option, I wish it was. I love my son and I'm so upset he doesn't see the big issue of him not attending school. And it will drastically exclude him and make his adulthood much harder to get ahead in life.
I awake at the early hours of the morning, before I leave I make sure he's awake and give him breakfast. By the time I get to work I call him to make sure he's caught his bus, only to find out he isn't even dressed and or still in bed. Other times I get a text from the school informing me he hasn't shown up. His only excuse is "he's tired", he goes to bed no later than 8pm and I awake him after 6am that morning.
I'm in the process looking for work close to home. It's not looking hopeful. I have no option to change my work hours. They're are exhausting, but that's our means of survival.
What else can I do? He doesn't see the issue and he's throwing away his education. He's a smart kid (not being bias), he truly is. I know he'll regret this, but it may be too little too late, and will have to do things the long and harder way. Not a life I wished upon him.
I've considered boarding school. But on a single income it would take a good 70% of my earnings. Homeschooling is what I'm now considering.
So my question is two things:
- has anyone gone through this and what do you suggest? How do I get my child to school and continue to go on a regular basis.
- Have you homeschooled your child and worked full time? How has this been done? What kind of support is available and so on.
Thank you. Apologise for the novel
Edit: I have taken away all gaming devices, internet is locked when I leave, he has a mobile but no internet on it and or games just for contact. I've made him aware of the consequences of not attending school; child services will be involed etc. he misses out on fun stuff; catching up with friends, activities etc. despite having a good circle of friends he doesn't go out/sleep over their homes. He has become introverted to the point of just associating with himself, me and his cousins.
He's pretty much at home. Doing his scheduled chores that I do not pay him to do.
9 Replies
Have you thought about telling him if he doesn't go to school then he won't be able to leave the house unless he's with you and won't be allowed socialise with his mates outside of school time. No extra curricular activities. Take any gaming devices to work with you. Don't leave anything behind have a house phone and take his mobile phone with you so he can't browse Facebook/play games etc you need to take a stand and make the idea of staying at home the worst possible one and that school is actually the way ahead. Don't give up but maybe you can change your work hours so you're home until he goes to school.
I agree with taking away all devices and changing the wifi password.
Is there a family member he respects (grandfather, uncle, auntie) who could do to your house in the mornings to make sure he goes to school?
Hes still very young and he can't just not go to school. Is he still wanting to socialise with friends out side of school?
I would get him a mental health assessment with his GP and also take him to a peadiatrician just to rule out any underlying issues. You'd be amazed at what is missed and raises its head in the teen years.
Home schooling needs to be an absolute last resort.
Does he understand the consequences of not going to school. Like, you can loose government payments, child protective services can get involved etc?
Is he wanting to socialise outside of school hours? If not that would be a huge red flag for me.
As above, he needs a professional mental health and pediatric assessment. You've almost word for word describes my brother at 13, he too was always very bright and coped well in primary school with socially and academically, but when high school came around he started acting out and wagging. He was diagnosed with ADHD that year, it was missed until that time because he didn't exhibit the 'typical' symptoms and was declared a 'typical' boy.
That said, mainstream school doesn't work for everyone. Kids like your son and my brother are lost in the system quite often.
Also, you're going to get a lot of people telling you he's just lazy and self entitled and he needs punishment. I don't think this is the case, when kids flat out refuse school like this there is almost always something going on, from quite serious things to things we as adults might think are really trivial but a big deal to them regardless, he may not even have the capacity to articulate the problem or his feelings about it!
The key is working out what that something is and go from there!
I am wondering if he has depression? There doesn’t need to be a cause for depression, it can tackle down anyone. SO that would be my first step.
And I agree with above about taking away technology and taking it to work, changing wifi.
I also think he is still very young to be taking himself off to school, especially if he is feeling depressed. Most teens need that push, and it sounds incredibly hard being a single mum and having to leave before he does but maybe you could change hours or get someone else to come around to make sure he is getting organised and jumping on the bus
Join your local homeschool groups and suss it out.
It is very hard financially for a single mum as well as getting a break and finding somewhere that does care for schoolage kids.
For 13 year olds there are lots of groups and clubs but again is he going to refuse them?
There is distance ed where he attends online, would that suit him and you?
I guess finding the right place for him is also finding what he needs and getting to the bottom of why hes refusing school.
Could a different style of education suit more. An indepe ndent or steiner school?
Im allfor meeting the childs needs, but as a single working mum too, be careful you dont finaniclaly strain yourself too, your choice has to be sustainable to work.
My son is tbe same - he has ASD & major anxiety & this year has been hell. Im also considering the home school option for him. You are doing a great job - are the school being supportive ? Maybe a good idea to see GP just in case of anxiety or depression. Good luck
You need to bring him closer, not send him away. Adolescent years are tough. Teens need their parents just as much as toddlers do, yet it’s when we leave them to fend more for themselves.
Forget the shaming of ‘he’ll regret it later’. There is obviously more going on. You need to made some hard decisions. I am a single parent of special need teens. I have homeschooled one of them before. I make sacrifices. This wasn’t the life I wanted, but I accept it, and do the best I can for my kids, by being here for them. It won’t be forever, but your kid needs you now!!