This is gonna sound long winded so apologies... so my ex brought up my son from birth (now 5) and was in the process of adoption before he cheated. Because of the separation they wouldn't allow the adoption. So anyway my youngest was born just after we separated (now nearly 2) and he is obviously his dad. my eldest called him dad after we discussed 3 years ago, because of the adoption application it was time to allow it. We explained to him he's not his dad while going through the process and now we've separated he can call him what he likes. And he is very close with him. Although understands he is not his dad and seems to call him his name when with me and dad when he's with him. He's currently lashing out st me and blaming me for us being separate and stating he wants to go and live with him. I suppose my question is how do people deal with separations with step children. I'm getting a lot of horrible opinions from various family of both sides and not sure what to do for the best. I.e. Should he still be calling him dad or should we correct him? Should he be sleeping over with his brother or should there not be contact? One day he might have 3 dads etc. I'm worried what any decision could have on him long term. And don't know what to do for the best.. tia xx
14 Replies
Can't he just keep being Dad? If both are ok with it I don't see the problem with him calling him Dad or having sleepovers. Whoever is voicing their opinions on it needs to mind their business.
For all intents and purposes he is his dad, perhaps not biologically but in every other sense he is. Your separation doesn't need to change that! This whole "you can call him Dad but he's not your Dad, now we're not together so you shouldn't call him Dad anymore" thing just confused me lol, imagine how confusing it is to him!
Let your son decide, presumably your partner is remaining active in the kids lives, so let him call your ex what he wants and don't make a big deal out of it either way. It already sounds like he's had a few adult ideas put in his head. It's in his best interests to let him be a kid.
So its been two years, how has the ex played it? In the end it will be up to him if hes happy to take them both and treat them equally or treat them as son and step son thats all good. If hes stepped up and doesnt look like wavering by now then continue their relationship.
I’d have a lot of respect for your ex if I were you. So many step parents say “I’m not their real parent so I don’t want anything to do with them any more” after seperation.
No, I think if your son has chosen his step dad to be his dad and step dad is happy to still be dad then he won’t have 3 fathers unless it is forced upon him.
And I will say it again - your ex is one hell of a man!
He cheated while she was pregnant, he's not that wonderful
agree, mid adoption that nulled the whole thing. Hard to respect that.
He’s not a wonderful partner, I agree. But this man is still accepting a child that is not his, that he could be an arsehole and put through hell, instead he is being a man and raising a child that isn’t his regardless of being with the mother.
So yeah, maybe he was a complete dick to the child’s mother, but correct me if I’m wrong, a lot of biological fathers can’t even step up and keep a relationship with a child so when a step parent does it, regardless of why the couple split, hell yes I think it’s a big thing to do. But sorry ladies, I didn’t realise that him cheating made him have to step up and still love, protect and honour a child’s wishes, I thought that was his choice 🤷♀️
So yeah, my opinion, he’s still one hell of a man, considering my sons father can’t even find 5 minutes for him I’d probably kill for him to have a step dad that loves him unconditionally, even if he was a pig to me.
“I’d have a lot of respect for your ex if I were you. So many step parents say “I’m not their real parent so I don’t want anything to do with them any more” after seperation.”
I think it’s quite clear that it doesn’t say “respect your ex for cheating”, it’s simple to decipher that it means respect him because he’s still raising a child that he doesn’t have to.
Its not that cut and dry to separate partner and parent when you look at what he did to their family home.
Yes its good now that he still chooses to parent the child. I just wouldnt expect the mum to be quite so thrilled considering.
No, I’m not saying it’s easy. But I fought for 3 years for my sons biological father to have something to do with my son after he slept with my best friend, I don’t want anything to do with him, but I wanted my son to have two parents that loved him.
So yeah, this woman shouldn’t love and adore him, but I think after 2 years of her ex (who just happened to cheat) stepping up and still loving her son and treating his step child and real child equally that he does deserve some respect because he had the opportunity to not only really hurt the mother, but he had the chance to hurt a kid and he chose not to.
I also think the mother deserves respect for not cutting that contact even after what he put her through.
In my opinion there are a lot of people who are very shitty partners out there and yes he would be one, but that doesn’t automatically mean they can’t be an amazing parent.
Three dads?? Just no!! If you repartner, please don’t add another “dad” to the mix. Partners aren’t instant dads, your ex partner has fathered him from birth and is all he knows, so if he is happy to keep having him with his brother, I would continue as business as usual. That’s his dad, end of story.
It's not about what anyone other than your son thinks. And he loves him as a father.
This bloke has been one of your child's primary carers since birth!
He would be extremely attached to him. The seperation is between you and this bloke, not your little boy.
Of course he should continue to call him dad and have contact with him and spend time with him, just like his little brother.
It takes more than sharing DNA to be a parent. If your ex has been your child's father then why wouldn't you continue that relationship? He doesn't have any legal rights to him (correct me if I'm wrong) but if he's a positive role in your son's life then yes, one day he'll have three dads. Kids are pretty resilient and families come in all shapes and sizes.