At what point is smacking and yelling "too far" ?
I don't like smacking my kids or yelling. I really hate it and beat myself up over it. I know it is not great but I am working on it.
But my fiance sees no problem with it and seems way too keen to smack and yell and swear. Not non stop or anything but if they do anything wrong he just gets really angry and automatically goes to smacking.
I have talked to him about it and said we both need to work on it and he sees no problem with it at all. Then my eldest did something mean to his brother and my fiance ran at him yelling and swearing and smacked his bum so hard it left a raised red mark for ages. To me this is way far and not okay at all. Even after spending every day, all day with my kids, on their worst days, I don't lose my temper that bad.
I don't know what to do about it. I tried to talk to him and he said he doesn't have a problem and that it is the kids fault for being naughty. It is a cop out and he wont admit he went to far.
Excessive "discipline"
Excessive "discipline"
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour
9 Replies
I don't really have an opinion on smacking either way, generally I think it's not my business but what you've described is abuse!
Emotional abuse (IE, the constant yelling and swearing at them).
And Physical abuse (IE, smacking out of frustration and hard enough to leave a significant mark).
Your fiance sounds like a bully, you really need to get your kids out of this situation because he has no intention of stopping this behavior and growing up this way will have a huge phsycological impact on the kids.
You need to realise this is who he is as a parent and decide id you want your kids raised this way. No way in hell i would put my kids through that, besides the pain, fear and sadness as if that wasnt enough, being ongoing it will change them at their core.
I personally don’t smack, but I know others do and if done appropriately, don’t see it as a huge deal. However, swaring directed at a child, on a regular basis, just no. I sware sometimes in front of my child and hate myself for it, but I would never sware at my child. Psychological, emotional abuse leave marks you can’t see. Being bullied at home, the usual response is either becoming a bully themselves, or withdrawing and not standing up for themselves with others and having no self esteem. Both options are horrible.
I'm not a fan of yelling and smacking. Mainly because kids grow up and a smack on a teenager has zero effect. So I knew early on I needed another plan. My son has been smacked by me though, but I've since found another way. If someone smacks as a punishment I don't leap straight to abuse.
That said, once you are leaning marks it's gone too far and is abuse. It's against the law. You are on notice now, that your partner is abusive and refuses to do something different. You are on notice that he refuses to and can not handle the kids on his own and sees no problem with abusing the kids.
The line is flying off the handle, being scary intimidating abusive, acting as an angry adult instead of as an angry parent.
I think you know his response is all unacceptable you just can't put your finger on the line exactly, to make him understand. But you don't need to make him understand.
You are the child's parent. He should respect that and the fact he abused/scared and harmed/'disciplined' your 4 year old and has no respect for your opinion on it being too far says everything.
Advocate for your child!
I'm against physical discipline in general but this is beyond discipline anyway. He is taking his anger out on his child and it's not on. Any disciplinary action should not be done in the heat of the moment.
It's up to you what you do, but your job is to protect your kids. If my hubby EVER laid a hand on our child in anger he would be on his arse and out the door so fast his head would spin.
My ex was like this towards my 2 sons, not his biological kids. I tried time and time again to get him to realise we needed to parent together. Then he started on our bio kids as well. I started hating him for it. It took my eldest son going to the cops when they visited his school, the cops then rang asking for him to visit the station. He was given a warning. He stopped"parenting my boys but still went too far on our 3 so i kicked him out eventually.
He is showing way too much aggression for it to be an effective method of discipline. If he's not willing to change, it's time for him to leave. You need to protect your children
Good parenting does not require yelling, screaming, or hitting.
Do a parenting course, both of you, if he refuses, you’ve got serious problems...