To all the single mums out there - how to you do it while staying sane, not killing the kids, not losing your job (or your mind)?? I've recently split with my ex and dad of my two kids and am struggling big time. Still trying to deal with the split - I found out he'd been cheating on me for the past few years, was a huge shock - and trying to be the best mum I can be to the kids but am yelling a lot and starting to feel anxious about everything. Like if this is how I feel now after only six months, how the hell am I going to survive? š I don't have any family close by so the day to day stuff falls to me. Honestly some days I feel like the weight of that responsibility is about to crush me. Please tell me things will get better once the kids get older (currently 6yo and 18mo). Needing to hear positive stories from mums who've made it through to the other side, TIA X
6 Replies
It will get better. Especially as the baby grows up.
Not trying to guilt you, but you do need to be their Calm. If you sTrt yelling and letting your mental health rule the house, it will affect them and then you will have two highly emotional highly strung little ones to deal with it just makes everything harder.
So 1. Keep yourself in check. Get into a psych or get on meds if thats what you need. Because your house needs to be a haven right now.
2. Take the pressure off yourself. Remove the expectation and make life easier wherever you can. Forget dinners. Beans on toast is fine. Soup. Eggs. No cooking, no cleaning. Get shopping delivered. Get takeaway. Pay a cleaner if youre over your head and too tired to do it.
3. Bend the rules. Keep rigid where they need you - in morning routines,hygiene, getting out of the house etc but be flexible too, go for an ice cream, buy a frozen coke just because. Treat them, and yourself a little more.
4. Relax and enjoy them. Find a playgroup or a gym, something you can enjoy doing together. Find these little things to fill your week and help you build your new network and you will then also enjoy your down time at home. Make extra large bubble baths, make a cubby in the lounge for them to find. Those silly things that thrill children. And most of all be kind to yourself youre doing your best and Im sure if we asked your kids theyd say you're doing amazing.
I was like this at first when I split with my ex. But then I started to see the good parts...like I didn't need to clean after him or cook him a fancy meal when I was tired and only wanted to do a microwave lasagna. I could parent however I wanted and do the housework when I felt like it, I didn't feel like a slave anymore. Eventually things just started falling back into place and I got myself in a good routine. I have since re-partnered and I actually miss some of the things that was easier being a single mum.
As a single mum I can say this is the hardest bit! It gets so very much better. It takes a long time to recover from a bad break-up and relationship and when you are in the eye of the storm you don't have the luxury to heal.
Be kind to yourself. You are still hurting, getting into a routine and sorting sh*t out. It gets much much easier as time goes on.
Nine years ago I became a single parent to 3 kids aged 5, 3 and 1. Itās a tough gig and the kids can take over your whole life if you let them. My advice would be find something that is just for you, thatās all about you. I joined the gym and everyday Iād take my oldest to school then go to the gym, Iād put my little ones in the crĆØche and, as horrible and selfish as it sounds, Iād forget about them for an hour or two. They were happy and safe at school or the crĆØche. I made friends, I got fit and I got my head straight.
When I split with my kids dad Iād been a stay at home Mum for 5 years and the split forced me to take control and make changes in my life. I went back to uni and now earn twice as much as my ex! And the best thing is I now feel like no matter what life throws me, I got this!
It definitely gets easier. My ex husband left when one child was 6 months and the other almost 3. That was just over 5 years ago! Kids do get easier as they get older, they can look after and care for themselves to a degree. Don't be too hard on yourself! Do the best you can, which is more than enough!
I did answer on the fb post, but Iāll answer here too.
I have 4 kids & fled DV. Kids were between 1 & 10 when I left.
I moved to the other side of the country thinking I had support. That all fell apart with in weeks of being here & I now have very little to do with that family member. All the rest of my family & friends were back on the other side of the country. I struggled. I struggled a lot.
But I got involved in the community. Started playing sport & meeting other people. It took a while because I had very little self esteem & felt I didnāt fit anywhere.
By my 3rd year here I was feeling much more comfortable & sociable.
My youngest is now 7. All my kids are at school, Iām at work & ive just bought a house. I still speak to my friends back home at least once a week (they were my saviour in that first 3 years), but now I have some great friends here, who are very supportive & if I ever need it can have my kids for me.
Kids are also old enough to be more independent now, which changes things dramatically.
You just need patience & support in those younger years to get you through.
You got this x