Hi Ladies,
I am wanting to know what are everyone’s thoughts are on withholding of presents for children.
For some background information I have been separated from my bub’s father for 5/6 years. We now live interstate for the last 2.
Last year my little disclosed information to me that immediately stopped me sending bubs interstate for access with her father and family.
I’ve learned recently that they’re withholding presents for her until she visits.... I’m more annoyed because they have told her. They want to ‘share the joy’.
It has already been a year now with no visit.
Now I’m a little annoyed... we unfortunately have to go through the court process which may take a very long time. I may add, I haven’t completely cut access, I’ve stated that anyone is welcome to visit here where I know bubs is safe..... but that is unreasonable apparently.
what is this teaching her? I feel it makes her sad and feel worthless. It makes me feel like I’m a bad mum when all I’m trying to do is keep her safe. I feel like it’s
baiting her and planting the seed for me to look bad.
Her father used to do this when she was little, buy expensive things and clothes but they weren’t allowed at my house with her. Only at his.
Is the gift for the child or for the parents ego and status??
I know previously I’ve sent bubs presents when she was away for special occasions. I couldn’t imagine how she would feel not getting something and not feeling loved. For me it’s about how she feels not me watching her open it...
The whole process could take years and I won’t budge on my Little’s safety again. So what happens in the mean time?
She misses out....
What does everyone think?
Should I even be upset 😕
TIA ladies x
9 Replies
Wow the court process will take years to decide if he has visits or not?
Well then I would also ask that he doesnt make promises to her that are not happening 1. Definitely and 2. Soon, within a week or two.
Its fine for him to keep his gifts at his house but hes using her ans manipulating her if hes telling her about them but shes not going there any time soon.
To be honest, I think your overreacting and totally unreasonable regarding presents. As for stopping visits i have no opinion as you havent mentioned details. Majority of seperated parents I know buy and leave presents at their own place. They either combine the childs birthdays or they each do their own thing. They usually have 2 Christmases. He has a right to see his child and if you are the one that moved he couldve made you return. If he is the 1 that moved the onus is on him for visits. Sounds like court is the right option here sorry to say.
So what exactly happened for you to stop visits? How old is she?
It is a tough one because I have children that don't live with me and I only give them their presents when they're with me. It's just the way I do it and I like having a late birthday celebration to go with it.
There are some parents out there that are only treated as an ATM and gift giver, and ignored and treated with disrespect if they don't happily oblige. They might be trying to avoid this.
I think it's very reasonable that her father would want to share that moment with her. Clearly he misses her. Can't comment on anything else though as I don't know why you aren't letting her have a relationship with her dad.
Ladies I am the poster...
Some background info. My bub’s father knew I was leaving to go interstate and allowed/ agreed.
So NO he can not make us return.
We had a plan to send her back on school holidays but this has now come to a stand still. Before these discloserures I was pushing as much access as possible. I was also the one paying for it!
He also doesn’t pay a cent child support and dodges the system at any cost.
My Bub age 7 disclosed sexual abuse that occurred whilst In dads care. Dad is not the abuser however doesn’t believe his daughter and because of this I haven’t allowed her back. He still hangs out socially with the abuser!!!
Him and his family think it’s a big joke and our Little’s safety clearly isn’t a priority. It’s currently under police investigation.
OK. So very fair withholding access. And as a child from divorce I would want to receive presents in the mail. As a parent I would want to give it in person to build the bond with my child. Perhaps you speak to dad about her missing him and have him send a letter in the mail with some coloring in books or something small and arrange for her to open them via video chat with him
To be honest Hun, him sending or not sending gifts seems like the least of your worries at this point.
You can't control his or his families actions or their motivations behind it, so all you can do is help your daughter deal with it and let her know it's not her fault.
If this is affecting her self esteem and self worth that much, I think you should be getting her to see a child phsycologist. I'd be getting her to see one anyway given what she's been through (if she's not seeing one already of course).
I'm confused as to your reason to withhold access is because of the presents, when there seems to be a bigger issue?? Like wtf someone abused her?
Your reasoning is over superficial materials rather than abuse? Get your priorities together.
That's awful to happen to your child! As for gifts, it is up to you as her mum to teach her that her value is not found in the gifts she receives, they are a bonus to her already being wonderful. Gifts can add value but they shouldn't be the sum of a persons value. Is she really 'missing out'? I think it's good to flip the narrative such as, it's no big deal if you don't have the gift yet, it is up to them to choose when they give their gifts, focus on helping your daughter to choose a positive outlook that it's a bonus when she gets them. If you teach her from a place of truth not fear (she misses out) she will be strong, yet appreciative when she does get them. You asked at the end 'should I even be upset' which to me seems that you are aware that this is possibly more about your feelings more than hers. Yes they are not putting the child first, yes that hurts, but it's going to be more helpful to avoid playing into the behaviour with being hurt and trying to control something you can not change. You're better not to engage with their manipulative behaviour! Gifts are nothing in comparison to her physical, emotional and mental safety. You are awesome for putting her safety first.