Trigger warning
Does everything get easier. 17 years on and I'm still trying to figure out if it does
When I was 7 things in my life were turned up side down. The boy down the Rd started to do things to me every type of sexual thing. I never told anyone for 3 years. I told my mum when I was 10 that's when I learnt about sex and realized I had done it. She never believed me it was pushed aside and I never spoke about it again to I was 21.
When I was 13 I started to get bullied I ended up getting and eating disorder and had 42 hours to live. I still wish that I did die in those hours that I was on life support. I then became a self halmer and did it every day to I was 19. I still do it every now and then. I did it last night and this morning.
I meet my partner now ex when I was 19. Things were great to he tuned out to be a psycopath. He had me locked in our house he had smashed my keys my phone my eye my heart and soul. He had cut off my friends and family. He tried to then take the last thing that I had left. My daughter I was carrying. I was rushed to hospital and today she is a beautiful surviving 2 year old.
On my 21st birthday he raped me. I will never forget the feeling that I felt at the time. And today I feel that feeling again.
I've been seeing a new psycologets she very good. But it's all so hard to talk about. I was so caught up in charging him taking restraining orders out that I missed my pregnancy I never got to focus on it as I was doing everything I could to protect her when she came into the world. When she was born I was still in court. We have never bonded and it's taring me appart. Why cant I feel any thing for her when I faught so hard to keep her salf and alive.
Its only just hitting me that my 24 years of life has just been hell its just been full of me being so hurt and feeling worthless. I feel like I shouldn't belong in this world any more.
My birthday is coming up in 4 days but it's not my birthday any more it's just the day that I was raped.
I can't breath I don't know if I can keep moving forward I feel numb I feel dead inside.
Has any one been though anything like this. Does it get better is there any other ways to cope than just shoving pills down your throat.
I just wish someone would understand the pain someone to understand what I've been through. I just want to be able to feel loved and whole again and to be able to be the mum that my little girl deserves.
2 Replies
Love, you're being way too harsh on yourself. You've suffered some massive trauma, give yourself some slack.
I'm sure you're the best mum you can be, have a chat to your maternal health nurse about some ways to improve on your relationship with your daughter.
There is so much to live for, her being the main factor :)
It's such a shame your mum didn't support you in the way you needed or protect you like she should have. Make it your purpose to never allow these things to happen to your sweet baby girl.
You have experienced great Traumatic Stress.
There are many things you can do to find ways to heal. Support groups, different psychologists, meditation, journaling, self help books, Prayer, Spiritual mentors, positive affirmations.
I highly recommend Healing foods for Depression Chapter 14 -Medical Mediums first book.
There are over 19 foods that are highly beneficial to depression. Fruit, herbs, vitamins etc that can help repair the brain and nervous system. Support adrenal glands and so on.